You are bringing me to life

In 2012, we joyfully learned we were getting to have our second child (found out a year ago this week).   We soon thereafter found out Matt was being let go from his job due to company downsizing.  Matt was able to start at his new job with no lag time, and later that year we learned that the timing of this could not have been more than perfect in terms of health coverage during my pregnancy.
We attempted to sell our lovely Fairway home in the middle of a hot summer, complete with drought and 100+ degree temps.  We had felt like it was time to move on, both due to its practical size for us as a growing family (if Ruby ever wanted to have her own closet) as well as for where we wanted to put down roots.  Our house did not sell.  We regrouped, and through some good friends of Matt's who run a rental management company, along with my husband's amazingly hard work for over a year and a half from the time we started getting the house ready, we were able to prepare it to rent.  We moved in with my in-laws a month before our second daughter was to be born, with our almost 2 year old Ruby.
And Sybil was born - beautiful, sweet Sybil - a true gift from God.  If ever words were not adequate to express things, I feel so when I write that she is a gift from God.  If I were a little more together, I would have the blog picture updated to reflect the fact that I have two daughters now.  It's been quiet around here blog-wise these first three months of her little life.  I hope I get to go back and tell you more about her.  About what a great big sister Ruby is becoming - when Sybil was crying in the car last night, Ruby kept offering her own blankie, which is a pretty big deal.  About how Sybil grins her toothless grin at her daddy, and how Matt is now the all-star bedtime story reader and back tickler for Ruby.  About how I love having two girls.
Two weeks after Sybil was born, our renter signed a 12 1/2 month rental agreement for our house.  Amen.  A month after Sybil was born, I received a letter from my HR of the company I was working for as a physical therapist that I had not worked quite enough hours in the past year to qualify my leave for FMLA (regulations state that you have to have worked 1250 hours in the past year, and I was short by 24 hours).  Meaning my job was not guaranteed to be there when I started back.  I took the letter to heart and started looking around for a new job.  I have been blessed to work part-time since Ruby was born, 3 days a week, and I loved the team of therapists I worked with.  But in my heart, I was really desiring to cut back my hours even a little more to 2 days a week.  And God provided a new situation where I will work 2 days a week plus one weekend a month, in a hospital that is significantly closer to home.  I started last week, and I can't believe it all actually happened.
In the midst of this, we have been living with my very gracious in-laws.  We originally thought it would just be for 2 or 3 months (or at least I did).  Here we are coming up on 5 months later.  Looking back though, I never would have felt comfortable switching jobs if we didn't have the grace of some wiggle room in our finances.  Our girls have been able to spend wonderful time with their grandparents.  As a new mom of 2, I have had extra hands to help, and we have had understanding, support and loving sacrifices from family as we navigate these first few months of parenting 2 kiddos.  Amazing.
And now today, we are going to look at a home that makes my stomach kind of bubble up with excitement as I think about it.  In Kansas City, KS near our missional community that we are so looking forward to being closer to.  We have been on a hiatus from looking at homes for over a month, with the holidays slowing everything down in the real estate market.  We have no idea what may happen today, or this week, or this month.  I might be blogging from my in-laws' computer this summer still.  But I have a feeling not.  I don't have much to say about this new home, since we don't know much yet, but how great to start feeling an anticipation again.   Since Sybil's birth, I have had a Bebo Norman song stuck in my head - "Show me your Kingdom come, Father, and let your will be done, here in me, as it is in heaven.  I want to run into the deep, and let the deep call out to me; I want to lose myself in your love.  So let it rain down, over me, as I fall down to my knees.  Let the ocean rise to meet me; I need you to bring me to life."  It could have been the warm weather yesterday, but I feel like there is something going on.

Preparation

It is the eve of labor.  Maybe - unless little one shows up tonight.... I thought it was the eve of labor two weeks ago, on a Sunday night, timing contractions every four minutes.  But we returned home.  And it's been good.  To "get prepared."  (I think a week from now if I read those words I will laugh).  But we are somewhat settled for now.  We have (mostly) clean cars.  I am not sure why that was what I felt really needed to happen this weekend, but kudos to the Blue Lagoon car wash on Shawnee Mission Parkway, where you pay one fee and get run through the wash line and then unlimited vacuum time with these crazy great vaccums that I loved.  Me in all my glorious 9 month-ness vacuuming away.  It felt good.

We have talked with Ruby about "sister" coming.  We initially taught her "sister's" name, but then stopped reminding her, when we realized that she was entirely capable of remembering and informing strangers of said name.  We (me) have anxiously watched her these last few weeks adjusting to changes.  We (me) have bought her presents to be given her at the hospital, new shoes, a fridge full of food from Trader Joe's because it seemed necessary to know that she had organic grapes, little clementines, mini cheese cracker sandwiches and one can of black beans while we are at the hospital.  And kudos to Trader Joe's because when the check out lady asked me when I was having this baby, and I told her tomorrow, she whooped and hollered and had one of the other workers give me a bouquet of flowers, and just made me and my girl feel so special.

I have told Matt every night that I think the baby will come that night.  I have told co-workers that I am ready.  But truth is, I am scared.  Of mommy-ing two girls.  Of labor.  Of these early days and weeks and months when life is surreal.  Of Matt and I moving from a powerplay of 2 on 1 to man-to-man defense (I definitely had to google "powerplay" since not only could I not remember the hockey term, but I almost couldn't remember my debit card password at the store today).

I used to babysit one day a week in college for a four-year-old little guy; his mom gave me the best advice when I graduated, as I was about to move part way across the country.  She told me to take the fear I held, and turn it into the belief that this would be an adventure.  Good stuff, Mrs. Frye.  I still think about it 12 years later.

I love October more and more every year, remembering meeting Matt, Ruby's birthday, and now this sweet pea's.  Part of me feels like maybe I shouldn't be blogging all this, since now I may get unwanted texts and phone calls, or since now you KNOW the baby is coming, and like it might put extra pressure on me.  But that's not what this blog is for.  It is where I sit down, when my daughter is sleeping, and put words down because it's the only way for me to process sometimes.

So whether it's next week (ha ha) or month or after Christmas, I can't wait to tell you about the next 24 hours.  And now I am going to go drink a Dr. Pepper because I can, and glory in it, because tomorrow a nurse will tell me that I can't eat until I produce a baby:)

bittersweet

I am sitting on the couch right now watching my belly dance around as the baby moves.... and we are packing up a majority of our things tomorrow, and getting ready to move in with Matt's parents. We want to be settled somewhere before this little one arrives (unless she comes tonight?! Probably not). So Matt and I were talking about some of the things we remember about living here, this little nugget of a home that I am going to miss so much. That the next person who lives here will not know - or just may not understand. The exact pattern of steps you need to take to cause as minimal creaking as possible between Ruby's room and ours at night. The spot in our backyard that housed a yellow jacket nest this summer which my husband waged war on, and WON, tarp, K-state rock, ski face mask and all. The way the sun comes in and shines on the green chair that we sit in and read to Ruby in, and how "Goodnight Moon" is actually referred to as "good morning" around here, and everybody knows what that means, and knows the words by heart at this point. The way a new spider pops out of somewhere every day needing to be taken care of. The way Ruby watches for Matt from the front window at the end of the day as he comes home from work. The way Matt and I live with a greater degree of confidence knowing that Mark, our neighbor two houses down, knows the comings and goings of everything and everybody on our street and is keeping an eye out for us. The way the pear tree in front of our house takes a blessedly long time to color and lose its leaves in the fall. The way I moved in here the night of our wedding, and it has since become our home. The way we brought our sweet girl home from the hospital here. I love this house.

My Salute to the Employees of Jones & Mitchell

Today I wanted to take some time and share our story as well as give tribute to my friends who I worked with at Jones & Mitchell. Enjoy the ride.

5 months and 18 days ago, or Feb 8 (my bro's birthday), I was let go from Jones & Mitchell, much like a beast set free back into the wild. I wasn't ready, but I was. I had spent the last couple years, previous to that point, looking for a job with nothing to show for it expect a bruised ego. Then a couple weeks later I had accepted my position as the Director of IT for an investment firm on the plaza. From that point in time, my health insurance told me that Kathleen's prego-ness was a pre-existing condition and they wouldn't cover her dr visits till after May. Which was dumb, but that's insurance companies for ya.

Ok, so fast forward and rewind to yesterday. Basically the entire Jones & Mitchell staff was given the boot, or at least a moldy old shoe to the rear as that's all they could afford. Currently, Kathleen is due in 2 months and had I also been apart of this group her delivery may not have been covered. Now obviously had we been in that situation, I would have simply asked Kathleen to hold the baby in for extra month, fairly standard stuff. See it's ok to write this up on the webs, because I'm not in striking distance of Kathleen.

All to say, at the time, I didn't understand it, my co-workers didn't understand it, but God knew, he was protecting me/us. I've been following my friends on facebook, viewing the sadness and humor together. And my heart goes out to you. Remember though, you are a beast back in the wild, enjoy it, it may not last long. Roll down your windows and turn up your music to level just above tolerable (or high school loudness) and sing along as loud as possible. Open your door and as your neighbor waves hello, run up to them and yell FREEDOM as loud as William Wallace. Go buy a large pizza and eat the entire thing or until you feel sick. Go watch a movie or read a book you've been eyeing. Spend extra time with family and friends that you normally don't get. You get the point.

A few verses I enjoy/need from time to time.


As bad as you are, you still know how to give good gifts to your children. But your heavenly Father is even more ready to give good things to people who ask.
Matt 7:11

Look at the birds in the sky! They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren’t you worth more than birds?
Matt 6:26


And to those JM's out there requesting Ruby pics because I've been slacking on facebook, here ya be:

This is my current Desktop Background at work

Omaha Zoo, loved it

Just pure cuteness is all

Take care and God speed my JM friends!

Being on the market....

Among other events in life right now, we have our house on the market. What a different time in life - where your home is in a strange state of cleanliness, and you hide your things in odd places in case people want to open your closets or look in your cabinets. Where you are glad when a strange car drives by the house slowly, and live in slight fear that they will call and request to come look inside it in exactly five minutes as you frantically try to pick up crumbs off every surface with your bare hands. Where you want to leave but you don't. (OK, maybe that last one is just me). We are coming up on 7 weeks (I think?) of having our house up for sale. It has been a strangely calm time. We can't make a sale happen. We can't force people to come look in our house. We wait. I am not too sad about it. I have moments of slight panic if I start counting backwards from the baby's due date, but overall we are doing OK with where we are.

We have also begun looking for new places to live. In KCK. Which we also can't force. So far, the perfect home is eluding us. I daydream every now and then of what it will be like. What a perfect fit for us it will be. I feel like I would really like to have a light aqua colored room. Where I sit and read in perfect peace with all this beautiful light coming in the windows. Perhaps my expectations are a little high:)

We found out this week that we are having a girl. So Ruby will have a sister, and I am slightly jealous. I would not trade my brothers, and the fun and joy they gave to my growing up.... But people keep saying what a fun thing having two girls is, and I am believing them.

I apologize for my previous food poisoning stories. A lot to read, I know. But I am also thankful for the memories being written down. And I am wishing I was writing more often in order to help remember all of these little things - like how Ruby pronounces "balloon" with an Italian accent, more like "bay-loon". Like how she will sit in her little doll's stroller sometimes because it is just the right height for her. Like how I tell Matt on an every-other-day basis that I miss Downton Abbey. Like how this pregnancy has been so different, and I have these weird skin rashes that my doctor reassures me are perfectly normal, how I crave intense amounts of sugar, how fast my belly button popped out. How we are going through names again, and Matt has vetoed Pearl, Mabel, and Betty (it's OK - I work in a nursing home, those are names I hear on a regular basis, it's just part of being around older people). It's also OK because I vetoed his suggestion of Ruby 2. (He was not serious.) How we wonder if we should rent our house instead of trying to sell it. How I wonder if I should tell you that is what we are wondering. How I set my Shatto chocolate ice cream out to soften 45 minutes ago so I better go eat it, or I will have to put it back in the freezer for awhile and start all over. Don't worry, I won't forget to break up some Reese's cups into it as well. I am definitely of the firm opinion that ice cream is a vehicle for other yumminess, not the main event itself.

Mallard Island Yacht Club

We got to travel this past weekend to New Jersey for my brother's wedding.... no shenanigans like our Denver trip, probably because we flew Southwest this time.  Even if there had been shenanigans, it was well worth the effort to get there to be part of this fun weekend.  My brother and his beautiful wife did a great job planning the weekend.  The whole deal went down here, at the Mallard Island Yacht Club...

It was probably the most well-planned wedding I have ever been to - and great weather.  Since Ruby was a flower girl, we spent part of the day hanging out with the other girls who were getting ready in the bridal suite, which took up the entire top floor of the building.  Here's one of the amazing views from the window (of where the ceremony took place), as well as one of the amazing views of inside the suite....    

Ruby did a great job - from travel to meeting new relatives and friends to her flower girl duties.  She did get a little overwhelmed halfway up the aisle, but no major tears:)

Matt was a groomsman, and the two of them made a pretty cute pair.

We are so happy for Mike, and so glad to welcome Kina to our family!

The trip had some other highlights, including Ruby's first time at the beach.  Pretty awesome to watch your little one playing in the (real) sand for the first time.

My brother and Kina were very generous to include their wedding party in the stay at the yacht club the night of the wedding - the whole second floor was set up with 10 guest rooms where Matt and I were fortunate to stay while my gracious in-laws took care of Ruby that night (we figured she would need an early night after her flower girl duties).  I made the unfortunate decision right before the ceremony began to have a last-minute snack just to make sure I didn't pass out during the ceremony from pregnancy hunger.... unfortunate in my choice of a sandwich off the tray that had been sitting out for maybe 5 hours?  Mike, if you are reading this, I completely take the blame - I mean, it had mayonnaise, everything.  I should have known better.  So around 1:30 am, it all backfired.  And in the amazing guest room, on our fun night to ourselves, on the marble floor of the bathroom bigger than my kitchen in Fairway, I sat and vomited up all the delicious dinner, and wedding cake and everything.  And I have two reflections from this incident.
1.  I can never give my husband a hard time again for the unplanned food poisonings he has experienced on previous trips we have taken - our honeymoon in Belize when he ate cod at some local hole in the wall, and our trip to Brazil on the night of our first anniversary.
2.  All that reading of  Ann Voskamp's blog must be rubbing off on me - the night after this experience, we had traveled back to North Jersey in order to be close to the airport for our early flight back to Kansas the next day (after Denver, we will hopefully never again make the mistake of cutting it close getting to the plane on time).  I chose a hotel that I thought would be conveniently located right near Newark airport. And it was.  It was also in the flight path so not even the A/C on full blast and the white noise app on our phones up high could block the sound of the jets landing, it smelled strongly of curry, and I made sure that all bolts were on the door and a big heavy suitcase was parked in front of it as well....  it stood in strong contrast to our setting the evening before, let's say.  But I was able to say to Matt and my mother-in-law, that I was thankful that if I had to be sitting on a bathroom floor puking my guts out, that it had happened at the nice, clean, spa-like yacht club versus the Newark Howard Johnson.  So I feel like some of the focus on gratitude is paying off.  Thanks for letting me share some memories.  

Rita Springer

I have thought about posting, started a post, stopped, and here I am - my monthly post:) is overdue (I don't intend for it to be monthly, just how it's going right now).

Ruby is running a fever. And as I am starting to learn - I can't think of much else today. She is sleeping again right now, so I am blogging in order to feel some semblance of attachment to the world. To take my mind off all the "what ifs." To try to refocus a little I guess.

I have been reading this little devotional this spring called, "Jesus Calling." Sarah Young wrote today that we are to trust God in all our circumstances. Maybe a broken record in my life, but I fight this call daily. I was thinking about what I am waiting on right now - I am waiting for my daughter's fever to break. I am waiting for someone to want to come look at our house and buy it. (It has been on the market a week at this time). I am waiting for God to help me become less self-centered. And I was reminded of this verse from somewhere in the Bible that I can't remember and am being too lazy to look up, where it says that we are to "trust Him at ALL TIMES" (emphasis mine).

A woman I admire greatly went through an unbelievable week last week. She is on my heart often these days. She wrote something awhile back that challenged me, when she said that she likes to connect the statements in her life with "and" instead of "but." Her way of indicating trust sort of. Like when I could say that "It's my day off, but it's raining outside." Instead I could say "It is my day off, and it's raining outside."

I am so thankful for the words of others today. In a little devotional. In a friend's blog. In a monthly newsletter I read. In this song that I have been thinking about that I tried to include in my post when I started writing it before I stopped. We sing it in church from time to time - have you heard it? I am loving it these days.... and it is worth mentioning that I am loving soy sauce as well, in my no longer nauseous state.

Rita Springer - perfect on a rainy day.

Extended time in the Denver airport, a job change and n/v

There is not much barbecue being eaten around here these days.

There is a lot to remember from February this year. An interesting month for sure. We got to go to Denver for a weekend to celebrate Matt's cousin's wedding. On the way back, we had a change of plans. From a 1.5 hour plane ride to KC, we ended up with a 10.5 hour car ride. We still don't know exactly what happened. But it involved 3 waits in line before our not-so-kind ticket agent explained that we had missed the window to check in for our plane. She said that my in-laws could stay with the bags and hope to catch the next flight, and Matt, Ruby and I could try to make it on the 10:16am flight to KC. We did our best. We endured the typical security routine when traveling with a little one (which included stroller, car seat, car seat base, etc.). I tried to console our 16 month old, tired daughter who just wanted to walk around and did not want to be carried around the airport. I cried on the tram ride to the gate, in exhaustion, stress, and not understanding how this was happening. I actually sobbed uncontrollably in front of a car full of people. And Matt did as he always does and handled this all well. And at 10:14am, as we arrived at the gate, the woman behind the podium informed us that we had missed the flight by 8 minutes. She told us to go wait in the customer service line. The customer service representative told us that we would now be placed on stand-by on any future flights that day to KC, with all flights being full, and she reported, even overbooked. She said that if we did not fly out that day, which she did not anticipate we would, we would get to pay $150 a person to fly the next day if we got on a flight. Matt and I did not handle this news well. I no longer plan to fly this airline that had very little help or compassion to offer traveling parents. I have still not figured out exactly what I will take from this experience. Instead of playing the roulette of all-day standby with a little one (does this sound like a good idea to anyone?), my gracious, patient in-laws rented a mini-van and drove with us back to KC. Ruby was sad at times during the trip, but we made it. I will always try to remember this experience when I see other parents traveling with young children.

Thank you for letting me get that out, I needed it.

We also had an eventful situation arise with Matt's job. We found out a few weeks ago that he was being let go from his current job as of March 2nd due to company restructuring and downsizing. He has been at his current job for 5 years, and while all jobs have their challenges, we have been very thankful for this position, for his coworkers and boss, and for how God has provided for us. In an amazing week thereafter, Matt was able to interview, receive a job offer, and accept a position at another company, where he will start Monday March 5th. That's right, no lag time. And while I also feel like I have not exactly figured out what I will take from this, I have thought frequently about the gratitude we have felt the last few weeks.

And finally, and maybe too early to be sharing, maybe not the way I want the information to spread exactly, but it wouldn't be a true blog of what February has been like this year, if I did not include the update that we are expecting our second child (so yes, all of the above events included the factor of me pregnant:) We are excited, we are scared, we are thankful. And as I started with, there has not been much barbecue eaten around here. Because as the title of this post indicates, there has been quite a bit of "n/v" or nausea/vomiting as it is commonly abbreviated medically. I now understand that in my first pregnancy, I was very spoiled to not have to deal with hardly any of that. So this is a new experience for me; and it has kind of overshadowed any other abilities to think past that immediate need of not getting sick. Matt has rocked it, only getting scolded by me for unknowingly making himself a meat sandwich of some kind that I insisted smelled horrible, and required us opening windows to cold February air. Ruby has done well, although I miss feeling like I am keeping up with her. And I am thankful that n/v is a sign of a healthy pregnancy. And I am also thankful that I now know what other women are experiencing when they describe their first trimester. Because although it has not been fun, I am praying that it gives me some sort of ability to sympathize in the future. That when a friend calls me wanting baked potato soup, but unable to go get it for herself, that as my friend Kelsey so willingly did the other week, I will give up my own afternoon plans, load my little one(s) in the car, and help her out because I KNOW.

I think this is what I am beginning to wonder about blogging. I gave up reading blogs for a week in February (mostly), just to kind of take a break. And I realized that instead of comparisons made while reading blogs, that God could use blogs to help develop an ability to comfort. Is that weird? Or putting too much pressure on a blog? I don't think so. Because in reading what other friends are learning, whether in the small or the gigantic, I think I am learning that they deal with similar troubles. That they have similar joys. And that if we are all not going through the exact same thing now, which we are not, down the road, I may be able to have something worthwhile to say to you if your family experiences a job loss. Or you may have something worthwhile to say to me about this n/v. So there you have it. I hope the above is understood to be offered with hands that intend to be kind, non-judgmental and above all, thankful that friends care about our family. Love you guys.

All quiet on this front....

Well sort of, Ruby is talking herself to sleep... or squawking. I think two blog posts in one week last time just did me in:) so maybe that is to explain for the hiatus.... Whatever it may be, just felt like I needed to be quiet for awhile. We are still hoping for our house to be ready in the not-so-distant future to go on the market. Which in its current state after a half morning of playing hard seems fairly unreal. Its been somewhat sleepless around here too - for some reason, I am up for two or three hours at night. And when one of us is up, it seems like everybody joins in. I was thinking about some of the things that I would miss about this house if we move, including watching my husband tip toe like a spy or ballerina (I wanted to just write "ballerina" but thought he would appreciate the inclusion of something a little more manly like a "spy") across our creaky-in-every-spot wood floors at night so as not to wake Ruby - it is an art, my friends.

We were driving the other night, just talking, the three of us, and as I put some Burt's Bees on my wintery lips and added a dab to Ruby's lip to make her smile, I casually mentioned to Matt that I had recently done the exact same thing but instead of Burt's Bees landing on Ruby's lip, it landed on her tongue. Which caused me to wonder if there was a warning label on the Burt's Bees saying to contact poison control if this product was accidentally ingested. But instead of looking for such a label, which would be too sensible, I proceeded to put a dab on my tongue as well to make sure that my daughter was going to be OK. I am not sure where the logic was in this, but even as I type it, I realize that I would do the same thing again. Burt's Bees does taste minty, but not very pleasant in your mouth versus on your mouth, so I wouldn't really recommend trying this. Matt had a good laugh over this, and told me that I should be telling you about this incident in our blog. So I laughed and told him I would. All that to say, I still don't really know what my purpose is in blogging. Some people blog to help them remember things - I think this is a great reason to blog. And some blog to keep friends and family updated. And probably lots of other reasons too. But I am not sure why I blog. And I think more than anything, in a way that I am having trouble explaining, I am feeling like I need to follow this advice from John Eldredge - "You have one life to live, it would be best to live your own."

4 years

(Photo courtesy of Jami Nato - thenatos.blogspot.com

4 years ago, the weather was not unlike today (not quite as warm, but then again I was wearing a strapless dress). I was in between semesters of my 2nd year of PT school. I had known Matt for a little over 14 months. We had dated for 6 of those months, before being engaged for 4 months. We said "I do."

On the side of our fridge hangs a quote by Leo Tolstoy: "The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage, but to bring more love and truth into the world. We marry to assist each other in this task."

I am privileged to be around people every week who have celebrated 50, 60, even 70 years of marriage. When I think of 4 years, it seems so insignificant in comparison. But it is not. It is very significant. Thank you, Matt, for this gift!

Greetings, January

I am sitting here sipping on my hot chocolate that I attempted to make from memory a la Pioneer Woman's recipe. But I was holding Ruby in one arm, and feeling guilty that while I made delicious hot chocolate for myself, I had no intention of sharing it with her. (I know that it would be bad parenting to offer my daughter hot chocolate, but the irrational thought in my head for one minute was related to how wonderful this mug would be, and that she did not get any). So after my tangent, I want to let you know that the hot chocolate that I am sipping on got the wrong quantities because I was distracted and one-arm-ing it, with double the chocolate chips than I was supposed to put in. I couldn't sleep the other night after drinking a cup of this hot chocolate due to all the sugar running through my veins.

I could write all about our holidays. Or I could get a jump on things by writing about our upcoming anniversary on Thursday (but I am HOPING to blog about it on said day - and I am doing as I always do, and not keeping my surprise (or not really a surprise, just a blog post, but I prefer to think that two posts from me in one week would be a surprise!) I perhaps should not have told you that I will blog, because as someone once instructed me, "High standards, low expectations." And telling you I might post again this week could create unrealistic expectations around here:)

I don't have anything too deep or memorable to say this date. Except, "welcome, January." I honestly had been dreading you - thinking back to the last two winters with all the snow and bad weather we had. Remembering last year's car accident. I am instead, if not standing here with open arms, I feel like at least, offering open hands. To January and to 2012. Looking forward to what's ahead.

Hodgepodge

A multitude of things are on my mind, so it's time to share. It's been a while since my last post, which was about our departed (my parents house, not dead) crazy dog, Tiki, who tried to steal my biscuits and gravy before our Kearney trip. One of the Kearney Boyz, Piz, asked if this would be one of those blogs that would become stale and die soon. I assured them that it probably would. Although, my wife, who often surprises me (choosing Tiki as our dog) has proved me wrong. This is good as I thoroughly enjoy reading her post, even though, like many or few of you I do not comment on them. I did, however, promise to post before Christmas, well better late than never is my motto (of which I have many).

Podge 1
You may notice that Kathleen and I use parentheses a lot (we love them). Why? Not really sure, I view them as tiny tangents, rabbit trails (I think it should be rabbit tales (sounds more fun)). Sometimes they give the reader a better understanding of what we are talking about or a way for a fun distraction. Also, they are used frequently in coding (computer programming) for passing variables (values or objects). So I feel more at home when I use them. Do others of you have a favorite symbol(s)? Kathleen is not a fan of the exclamation mark! Which gives me all the more reason to use them for those of you who know how my personality works (pushing the boundaries). Who knew punctuation held such emotion?!

Podge 2
Husbandry and the art of fathertry has become a coveted skill as of late. We are in process of getting our house on the market and I've knocked out most of the things on the list that Kathleen and I put together. However, it hasn't been without stress, anguish and wet socks. My last project, a few days ago, was re-hooking up the plumbing to our kitchen faucet after our granite was installed. Needless to say I soaked our basement with water because I couldn't find plumbers tape, and used plumbers putty instead. At this time my beautiful and understanding wife was camping out at my parents till my dad and I squared up water to our house again. I'm sure that I haven't juggled my tasks and taking care of the Wifey and Ruber as well as I would like, but they have been awesome. Every simple task has taken it's tole and we are of the opinion that spiritual warfare is alive and well in our house and community. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We hope to move to KCK sooner rather than later to more effectively work with Mission Adelante as we minister to our Bhutanese Refugee friends, but it's all in God's timing.

Podge 3
While fear appears to be caused by things around us, it's not, it's very much internal. When I laid in bed as a wee lad and looked in my monster filled closet, I was sure they were real. Now those monsters still exist, but have come out of the closet and meet me in my daily life. One of my friends at work has been a huge help when it comes to solving my IT woes. We get along well as we have similar interests, he loves wood working even more than I do, and has used it to bless others. Once he told me that he had a big decision to make, but he already knew the answer. He was afraid of the pain it would cause. Could he handle it? Was there a another way? So he stayed up all night in anguish. In the end he made the right decision as he always did. I'm glad he did, because really he was the only one who could have gone to the cross for my short-comings, my sins. What if fear had won and Jesus decided to not go to the cross, where we would be? I'm grateful for him, hope I see him tomorrow in myself and the people I encounter as he IS the celebration.

Peace and Love my friends, The Totsch Fam

It's coming on Christmas....

I wanted to share what we've been up to lately; I am sharing it all at once, instead of more frequent little bits. Just how things are these days:) Christmas for the Totsch family this year with a fourteen month old has included some adjustments. We switched from our regular tree to this little beauty who conveniently sits out of reach.

All of our decorations are actually out of reach this year. In this next picture, you'll notice our Advent cards in the background a la Ann Voskamp, hung in the entryway to our kitchen. I also want to point out with a mixture of thankfulness and pride some other things - in preparation for getting our house ready to put on the market hopefully this spring, Matt has been hard at work. New paint in the kitchen, new appliances, a new light over our dining table that was not an easy install. He has been pushing hard to get these things done, and I appreciate his willingness to give time and energy to keep moving us in the direction we believe God is leading.

The Rubster is expanding her vocabulary.... it now consists of "daddy", "mama", "nonni" (grandma), "vovó" (grandma), "ti-ti" (which is "Tiki" which actually applies to many dogs right now), "baby", "go" and probably Ruby's favorite, and pictured here: "no".

Just wanted to post a picture of my little cutie complete with runny nose and happy heart. You will notice the end table in the background does in fact have towels over it. The combination of concrete top and sharp corners was too much for me with a not-so-steady little one. Our friends Andy and Val brought up the suggestion of bubble wrap last night jokingly - I actually don't think it's a bad idea:)

This next picture was taken with camera phone, hence its quality but it contains an important object I don't want to forget. The large pink object on the right side is pink puppy, and he is a girl's best friend. Despite his lack of one ear, he is proving himself to be invaluable both to Ruby and her parents. When we need a distractor, all we have to ask is "Where is pink puppy?" and off she toddles in search of her beloved friend.

Ruby and I had fun on a recent day off when I got to relive a little of my own Christmas memories from growing up with a viewing of "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street." Produced in 1978, I have fond memories of watching this one with my brothers. I was searching for it on Netflix a few weeks ago to be sure it was still around, and I was appalled to see that not only was it not listed at all, but had been replaced by "Elmo saves Christmas." (Ruby does not know about Elmo yet, so maybe in a few years, if he has replaced pink puppy as a favorite, perhaps I will not be so disgusted.) Anyway, I was relieved to find that Target had not forgotten "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street", and we got to have a fun time together viewing it. Matt does not really seem to understand the amazingness of this movie, but indulged me with semi-watching as well. We will be celebrating Totsch-style later this week by watching Muppet Christmas Carol, which I agree with him does not have the cheese-factor of Sesame Street Christmas, but it also doesn't include awesome sideburns or Cookie Monster eating a telephone.


Aside from when our friend Isaac was first born, I do not have a great picture of Isaac and Ruby together. This is as close as I have come. These next two pictures were taken at a party last week to celebrate the end of the trimester for ESL students and the members of the kids and teens clubs and their families, who are part of the community of Bhutanese refugees. It has been two years since we first got to meet some of these families, and we have been very thankful for their friendship.



Ruby pictured here with her Advent calendar. We are, I think, beginning to see a bit of sassiness coming out in our daughter....


Date night: We were intending to use our livingsocial coupon to go to Skies for one last time prior to its closing at the end of November. Skies is where Matt took me on our first date and where he proposed to me, so it's a special place in my heart. Maybe it worked for the best (I might have been a little sad) that we unknowingly tried to go on the night of the Mayor's tree lighting down at Crown Center. The wait list for Skies exceeded the time we thought we could hold off eating, so we had some yummy Fritz's and enjoyed a little Christmas concert afterwards. Thankful to have the opportunity to do this!


(Disclaimer - this last little attachment is beautiful, but it is moving especially to anyone with a heart for adoption, and depending on when you are reading this, or how you are doing, I would hate to send you here without a little heads up). And lastly, I wanted to share a link to a song that my friend included in a recent blog post. My words may fail me to explain why I wanted to share this - when I asked Matt, he said "Why not?" (For which I love him). The song says that "we celebrate His perfect gift of love", and I believe what I have posted above is all part of our attempt to celebrate this perfect gift. But we realize that all is not perfect in the world, nor is all perfect in our own lives or the lives of our friends. May I not ignore that and "yet rejoice in the Lord, and be joyful in God my Savior." The truth and reality of day-to-day life for every person walking this earth in hurt, confusion, heartache or trouble mixed with the truth and reality of our God, who calls himself a Redeemer, a Restorer. Who sets the lonely in families. I am sharing this video because Philippians 4:8 says whatever is "true... right.... lovely", think on these things, and I believe this story to be all of those.
In case I don't blog again for awhile (which given my track record), there is a good chance:) Merry Christmas to you, thanks for being part of our 2011, and a happy and blessed new year.
love,
the Totsch family

Courage

Photo courtesy of Jenae Weinbrenner: www.imijfoto.com

The picture really doesn't have a lot to do with my post today, except that I love it. I love my daughter, I love that she likes to pull the bows out when I put them in.

So sitting down just now after work, feeling a little disheartened by a day when I don't feel like I was a very good PT, I was blessed with a little time to myself since Ruby fell asleep on the way home....

And reading a few friends' blogs, I was struck by the thought that I am so impressed with this idea of "courage" that I am seeing in people's lives all over the place. Courage to adopt. Courage to wait to adopt. Courage to wait for a baby. Courage to be a good mom. Courage to love. Courage to celebrate the holidays.

And I have nothing big to say, other than that I needed to think just now about what my friends are teaching me about having courage. It did my heart good to read and watch and listen and observe. And realize that when I was reading Acts 4 yesterday, the title of the section I was reading was called, "The Believers Pray for Courage." So I think I will too pray for courage for these girls, these friends, these moms, these families choosing to persevere, and to hope. I love seeing their courage. I will pray for courage for myself too. Sometimes, though it may not seem like much to you, I forget that I am, in fact, demonstrating courage - courage every time I drive to work in sub-32 degree weather. Courage to laugh with my daughter when I am a little sad inside. Courage to blog. Courage to keep being real and vulnerable with our community and friends, even when I feel like they will like me less. Courage to tell Matt that I am going to keep trying to figure out this thing of loving him well, when there are days I know how much I have fallen short of it.

I have been trying to think about how to prepare for Christmas, how to celebrate Advent - what I want that to look like for our family, for Ruby. Maybe my focus this year will be thinking about courage. If you feel so inclined, what about reading the story with me of the birth of Jesus with an eye willing to look for courage? Would love to discuss this with anyone who wants to. It usually takes me awhile to sort my thoughts and share them, so that's all I have to say about that for now:) Just thought I would invite you into my own seeking.

Being the village....

Thanks for bearing with me on the last post with my crazy font changes and all. And for bearing with me in between the posting - because sometimes thinking about what I want to sit down and say here is incredibly overwhelming.

That's how I roll.

I had intended on putting up some pictures soon of my sweet little girl enjoying the fall with family and friends. I still will (I hope).

But today I hold a full heart that may just kind of spill out here and look a little messy but I think that's OK. If you have not already figured out, the Lord has wired me to have this heart that gets touched pretty easily. More than touched. It is an answer to prayer - I have asked Him to help me "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn." That sounds sort of prideful, I don't mean it to be. And I don't always respond that way to situations that should move me. And sometimes hormones do weird things to the mix, like leave me crying uncontrollably and then I have to tell Matt I don't know why I am crying (and he hugs me in silence without trying to fix it, and it is good). There are many other factors in being created this specific way that I am. But it usually comes down to hoping in some small way that those I care about (whether they know it or not) find peace and comfort and joy in the midst of their circumstances. That they know God's love for them.

All that run on to say, I read my friend's blog this morning, and she linked to this article and I loved it. It's about how to love friends that have adopted, are adopting or want to adopt. And having several friends that have, are, or wanting to adopt made me so glad to read this. And it made me tear up. And made me think how, not to lessen the experience of these adoptive friends in particular, but I have many friends that I want to have a village of their own. And I don't know how to be a part of their village sometimes.

So I pray for a little girl in Ethiopia right now that we are waiting for her parents to receive their referral (part of being the village is that I throw around adoptive terminology without exactly knowing the full meaning, but they know that I get the gist of it, and they are gracious to me:). And I join my friends who are currently in the paperwork stage of things as they fundraise to be able to wait: http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/10/announcing-new-fundraiser-american-girl.html. And I pray for another family who has shared their heart for adoption and openly blogged in a way to help me learn, and make me care more, and be so thankful to watch their journey.

But I also pray for other friends who have shared deep need, and deep hurt and deep desire to trust in other circumstances, and just admit that I want to be like you so much. To be honest about these things. Ever so slowly.

So today my honesty comes out in this form. Lord, teach us, in this crazy world where emails and blogs sometimes mean more than we know, where we don't always have the time or take the time to drop off dinner, and where you want us to know that you have this wild, beating heart for your children that you want us to have too.

Courtesy of Netflix

I am not a movie buff because I have very limited tolerance for action, drama, suspense and so forth. With a too vivid imagination anyway, I have to be careful what I watch, or as Matt jokes, I will casually mention to him at night that I am concerned that Ironman could be in the basement.

So documentaries are a perfect fit for me. With a husband who loves watching movies, documentaries have been our meeting ground this past year. My love for this genre has grown, from initial laughs at Spellbound and Mad Hot Ballroom to increasing social and environmental concern through the likes of The Cove (truly disturbing at times, and yet much more watchable for me than a made-up Hollywood story - although I now am not sure that I will ever be able to visit Sea World again). Especially the first few months of Ruby's life, we watched many documentaries. It was kind of fun to think back as I write this over the ones that have made an influence on me and my family or just simply been a source of enjoyment for us. A brief selection, with their Netflix descriptions.....

1. No Impact Man - this movie kind of got me re-interested in the genre after my initial introduction through the above-mentioned..... In my old age, I am becoming more and more interested in ways that I can personally make changes to become more green. Since my husband refuses to paint our roof white, I valued this movie for the small ideas that it does introduce as well as the bigger ones.

A Fifth Avenue family goes very green when writer Colin Beavan leads his wife, Michelle Conlin, and their baby daughter on a yearlong crusade to make no net impact on the environment in this engaging documentary. Among their activities: eating only locally grown organic food, generating no trash except for compost and using no carbon-fueled transportation.

A personal highlight from the movie - when Colin decides to throw out all of his wife's make-up.

2. A Man Named Pearl - I will just allow Netflix to explain:

Angered by white residents' racist comments that he wouldn't "keep up his yard," Pearl Fryar teaches himself topiary sculpture and becomes the first African American in his Bishopville, S.C., neighborhood to win the coveted "yard of the month" award. This acclaimed documentary traces Fryar's inspiring story, as he grows into a legendary horticulturist, welcoming thousands of tourists eager to catch a glimpse of his stunning works of art.

Part of what I love about this movie aside from Pearl's amazing talents are his faith in God, his relationship with his wife, and his character demonstrating humility and goodwill towards others.

3. Babies - This one must be mentioned for sentimental reasons. We watched this movie about three weeks after Ruby was born. I remember little from this season in life but I do remember Matt and I laughing throughout this film. I also remember Matt using this movie to support his view that babies are much more resilient than we may have initially thought. I am looking forward to watching it again soon in my less sleep deprived state, with all the wisdom that one year of mothering has taught me:)

Documentary filmmaker Thomas Balmes charts the simultaneous early development of four babies from different parts of the world, illustrating what makes human life unique, similar and precious wherever it occurs. Training his camera on newborns Hattie from San Francisco, Ponijao from Namibia, Bayarjargal from Mongolia and Mari from Tokyo, Balmes captures everything from first screaming breaths to first steps.

A personal highlight includes a scene where the mom from Mongolia who just delivered her baby rides off on the back of a motorcycle with her swaddled newborn.

4. Chops - I love documentaries about elementary, middle, high school kids - I think they are wonderful, capturing all kinds of fun in the growing up process. Because we love jazz music, this one was especially fun for us:

In this Tribeca Film Festival selection, filmmaker Bruce Broder trains his camera on a crop of talented young jazz musicians as they play their way through the Essentially Ellington high school jazz band competition. Sponsored by the Jazz at Lincoln Center program, the prestigious contest gives the kids the chance to rub shoulders with legendary trumpeter Wynton Marsalis -- and put their budding improvisational skills to the test.

Plus I love rooting for the underdog.

And finally,

5. Nursery University - We watched this one over the last two nights in parts.

Follow five families through the harrowing process of applying to nursery school in New York City, where hypercompetitive parents and elite institutions have made pricey consultants and toddler tutors part of the admissions process. Marc H. Simon's insightful documentary uses wry humor and drama to examine the increasingly common belief that securing entrance to the "right" preschool classroom is a critical first step to success.

Having seen half the movie on Sunday, I went to church that night and commented to several friends about the ridiculousness of this competitive preschool system, etc. Very judgmental of me, and I repent today. After watching the second half of this documentary last night, I just really loved the movie. As a parent, you cannot help but relate to strangers who are looking out for the best interests of their children. And Netflix rightfully described it as a feel-good movie because it reminded me that most of us out there love our children very much. What a great common bond. And exactly why I love documentaries.

Pottery Barn catalog

So I love the Pottery Barn catalog. It feels a little strange to admit that - I think it goes against the grain of who I visualize myself to be, my beliefs, my views of what is important in life.... maybe that is overthinking things though. Some people do Sudoku before they go to bed. Or watch reality TV. I look at the Pottery Barn catalog.

I would not say I am obsessed with it. Nor do I order much if anything from it. But for some reason, browsing the pages of the catalog is very soothing to me. I think because it is slightly mindless to look at those pages. And comforting. And makes me look forward to the holidays. And helps me fall asleep. And those are OK things. And if Pottery Barn were to offer to redo my house for free, I would not turn them down. I also admire their marketing skills, the words they choose, like offering you "easy," "comfortable," "inspiring," "everyday-use" and "luxury" all in the same page. I was a marketing major in college, and since I have never used that degree for an actual job or even internship, I like to every once in awhile see if I can still pull out my former vocabulary and analysis skills to see through what I am being sold on. But that is a side note.

I had a tough time sleeping last night because I had this weird dream that someone was hunting me down (maybe partially because I did not look at the Pottery Barn catalog before I went to bed). And when I woke from this dream, I began to worry. That Ruby would fall down stairs today and hit her head. This is a very common one (common worry). Especially these days now that she is walking and interested in stairs. I also worry about fires. Or when it was just me and Matt, before Ruby was born, that he would get in a car accident on the way to work. Ironically. Or many other worries. I am a little overtired as I write this from not sleeping well, and may be more free with what I am saying than I would typically be. Which may not be a bad thing.

Just reading my friend Jami's blog now, I was very challenged about this whole worry thing. That if you have read my posts before you may have noticed is an undercurrent in my life. I will even quote her so as not to miss the gist of her thoughts: "i want to change my desire to control things that are not in my control and will never be... it is not for me to think that i am bigger than God and that i know more than Him.

it just isn't.

oh. huh. it doesn't all depend on me...that kinda feels great to know that.

so my favorite quote from the weekend...

At your worst, God gives his best."

And I realized that if I were somehow able to remove worry from my life (a.k.a. feeling a lack of control and not trusting God to give his best), there would be such a large gaping hole of space for other things in my life that it might take a million Pottery Barn catalogs to fill. Or maybe some other more worthwhile things. If worry were to instantaneously disappear from my family, my marriage, and my life, I am not sure what things would be like. This struggle I carry in our marriage affects both of us, affects Ruby - we have rules like I am only allowed to bring up a worry so many times before we are done talking about it. Sounds harsh, but is actually a pretty loving thing to do. Worry is kind of my comfortable place. Am I willing to give up the comfortable for the uncomfortable? I don't know if I will always fight anxiety or if the fight will look different over time.... I do know that I need God to help me. His grace is sufficient. I think I am too chicken to add the link to this post to my facebook page. That's all right. I'm proud I had the guts to write it here tonight.

One year to celebrate

We had a great birthday time with Ruby - a trip to Johnson's farm for pumpkins (complete with my brothers and husband bringing along the reciprocating saw for cutting through pumpkin stems and rotted pumpkins and such), a delicious Ruby-sized cupcake from Dolce bakery (at least I think it was delicious, as Ruby definitely ate the majority of it), and sweet birthday thoughts and wishes from friends and family....

This year has gone fast - I distinctly remember people bringing us dinner when she was about three weeks old and saying that it would go fast, and in my sleep-deprived state, I remember thinking that they were crazy, and that nobody should ever say those words to parents before a baby reaches three months old because they are like cruel taunts to those whose heads only touch the pillow briefly for weeks on end. It is still very interesting to me that God designed things so those first few months hold so little sleep for parents. I would love to hear any suggested theories on why this is so. Our friends were very very right that this year did go fast. And very good to us to bring us meals.

The three years I have been married to Matt have also gone fast. There is a couple that I see at work - I don't know how long they have been married. But he comes and visits her everyday. And sits next to her and pats her arm. And when I mentioned that my daughter had her first ear infection the other week, they both looked knowingly, like they had been in my shoes a time or two. I am sure they could have told me that this year would go fast. I wonder if the many many years they have been married have gone fast too. Sometimes I have to leave the room so I don't start crying when I see them together.

It reminds me of a quote from the start of Sweet Land, one of my favorite movies, and I believe, still streamable on Netflix. (I would like to make a snide comment about Quikster right now, but I have been reading Proverbs and am trying to learn to hold my tongue) Sweet Land helps me visually say what I believe to be the best in marriage. I told you a long time ago that I had some things I was learning from my car accident (and I don't think I am done learning yet) - one of them being that my husband meant his vows. That in sickness and in health, he is committed to me. Which is part of why I cry when I see the couple at work loving each other well after so many years - because I pray for the grace to be able to do that with Matt.

(As a side note, at some point in the near future, I would love to tell you about other movies I enjoy, but they are almost all documentaries because I am a wimp and can't handle much action/adventure when it comes to movies - so depending on your movie tastes, you may or may not want to read that post. Although I hope to compel you to open your mind to documentaries if they are not a favorite.)

Ruby sleeps on right now after her 1 year shots. And I pray to be able to write true things, and things that really are on my heart, and things I am going to want to remember. Things that will honor Matt and Ruby. Things that will help you know what a screw-up I can be lest I deceive you. Things said not to win your approval or more followers, but for the pleasure of God. Another favorite movie quote from Chariots of Fire, where the main character, an Olympian runner explains to his family that "when I run, I feel His [God's] pleasure." Well, when I write, I want to feel His pleasure of what I have to say.

A hope for this coming year is more posting. More pictures and more posting. But we'll see - I am still so slowly getting the hang of this parenting thing.

Happy Birthday Ruby

Famine revisited

I have written about this before... The title of my post is not all that creative, and may not attract any readers. But I have to talk about it again, my hands are shaking a little, and I have been in tears this morning, wanting to effectively and appropriately tell you about the continued famine in the Horn of Africa that falls off my radar at times, but the Lord is graciously reminding me about.

I sat down to open an envelope from an organization we believe in and admire for its mission and methods - Food for the Hungry. And the famine was brought to my attention again. And I asked the Lord "what can I do?" again. And though I have mentioned it here before, I thought I could do something different today.

The reason I was in tears this morning was just thinking about God's ways, that I don't understand - that at times I love, and at times I don't. And there's a lot of sorting through if you decide you want to start understanding God's ways, but instead of asking myself why I am sitting here in a house with a full fridge and a daughter sleeping with a full belly, I thought it would be better for now to just move on to what I can do.

I can tell you about the letter I received - that I believe is an answer to prayer. The U.S. Agency for International Development is providing a matching grant to any money given to Food for the Hungry ..... $1 equals $20!!!!!

So if you chose to give even $5, it would become $100 of aid for the people in Kenya, Ethiopia and Somalia. I am mathematically challenged, but even I can understand that this grant is a huge deal!

And there are many other organizations that are also incredibly worthwhile to donate to - I have mentioned Compassion International before as well. And you may be able to tell me about others - please do so!

And I can ask you if you would simply consider posting some sort of information about the famine on your blog, or tweeting, or facebooking (an acceptable verb? I sort of doubt it). The BBC website is an excellent resource for information about the famine - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-14249733. Be aware that if you do start reading more thoroughly on the site, there are some pictures of the people and children who are malnourished that are painful in fact to see. I don't know if it's weird to ask you to consider posting in your own places. But I am reminding myself - you don't have to read my blog if you don't like this. And you don't have to pass on info if you don't want to. So please don't be offended by the nature of my posting today, but in my home in Kansas, with my napping child, I thought it does not hurt to tell my friends and family what is important to me today. Thanks for letting me share.

I also thought I could ask anyone who likes to pray to consider joining me in praying, when I sit down to eat to lift up a small prayer for the people affected by the drought. My friend Kelsey even taught me about something her dad calls "arrow prayers" - I may miss the gist of it, but just kind of like shooting a thought up in the air about somebody you care about, may not even have specific words to go with it, but just a three time a day reminder to myself that there are people who are in need. I am thankful we can pray to a God who calls himself a Provider. And I am thankful that He asked us, His people, to join Him in sharing what He has generously given us.