Pottery Barn catalog

So I love the Pottery Barn catalog. It feels a little strange to admit that - I think it goes against the grain of who I visualize myself to be, my beliefs, my views of what is important in life.... maybe that is overthinking things though. Some people do Sudoku before they go to bed. Or watch reality TV. I look at the Pottery Barn catalog.

I would not say I am obsessed with it. Nor do I order much if anything from it. But for some reason, browsing the pages of the catalog is very soothing to me. I think because it is slightly mindless to look at those pages. And comforting. And makes me look forward to the holidays. And helps me fall asleep. And those are OK things. And if Pottery Barn were to offer to redo my house for free, I would not turn them down. I also admire their marketing skills, the words they choose, like offering you "easy," "comfortable," "inspiring," "everyday-use" and "luxury" all in the same page. I was a marketing major in college, and since I have never used that degree for an actual job or even internship, I like to every once in awhile see if I can still pull out my former vocabulary and analysis skills to see through what I am being sold on. But that is a side note.

I had a tough time sleeping last night because I had this weird dream that someone was hunting me down (maybe partially because I did not look at the Pottery Barn catalog before I went to bed). And when I woke from this dream, I began to worry. That Ruby would fall down stairs today and hit her head. This is a very common one (common worry). Especially these days now that she is walking and interested in stairs. I also worry about fires. Or when it was just me and Matt, before Ruby was born, that he would get in a car accident on the way to work. Ironically. Or many other worries. I am a little overtired as I write this from not sleeping well, and may be more free with what I am saying than I would typically be. Which may not be a bad thing.

Just reading my friend Jami's blog now, I was very challenged about this whole worry thing. That if you have read my posts before you may have noticed is an undercurrent in my life. I will even quote her so as not to miss the gist of her thoughts: "i want to change my desire to control things that are not in my control and will never be... it is not for me to think that i am bigger than God and that i know more than Him.

it just isn't.

oh. huh. it doesn't all depend on me...that kinda feels great to know that.

so my favorite quote from the weekend...

At your worst, God gives his best."

And I realized that if I were somehow able to remove worry from my life (a.k.a. feeling a lack of control and not trusting God to give his best), there would be such a large gaping hole of space for other things in my life that it might take a million Pottery Barn catalogs to fill. Or maybe some other more worthwhile things. If worry were to instantaneously disappear from my family, my marriage, and my life, I am not sure what things would be like. This struggle I carry in our marriage affects both of us, affects Ruby - we have rules like I am only allowed to bring up a worry so many times before we are done talking about it. Sounds harsh, but is actually a pretty loving thing to do. Worry is kind of my comfortable place. Am I willing to give up the comfortable for the uncomfortable? I don't know if I will always fight anxiety or if the fight will look different over time.... I do know that I need God to help me. His grace is sufficient. I think I am too chicken to add the link to this post to my facebook page. That's all right. I'm proud I had the guts to write it here tonight.

One year to celebrate

We had a great birthday time with Ruby - a trip to Johnson's farm for pumpkins (complete with my brothers and husband bringing along the reciprocating saw for cutting through pumpkin stems and rotted pumpkins and such), a delicious Ruby-sized cupcake from Dolce bakery (at least I think it was delicious, as Ruby definitely ate the majority of it), and sweet birthday thoughts and wishes from friends and family....

This year has gone fast - I distinctly remember people bringing us dinner when she was about three weeks old and saying that it would go fast, and in my sleep-deprived state, I remember thinking that they were crazy, and that nobody should ever say those words to parents before a baby reaches three months old because they are like cruel taunts to those whose heads only touch the pillow briefly for weeks on end. It is still very interesting to me that God designed things so those first few months hold so little sleep for parents. I would love to hear any suggested theories on why this is so. Our friends were very very right that this year did go fast. And very good to us to bring us meals.

The three years I have been married to Matt have also gone fast. There is a couple that I see at work - I don't know how long they have been married. But he comes and visits her everyday. And sits next to her and pats her arm. And when I mentioned that my daughter had her first ear infection the other week, they both looked knowingly, like they had been in my shoes a time or two. I am sure they could have told me that this year would go fast. I wonder if the many many years they have been married have gone fast too. Sometimes I have to leave the room so I don't start crying when I see them together.

It reminds me of a quote from the start of Sweet Land, one of my favorite movies, and I believe, still streamable on Netflix. (I would like to make a snide comment about Quikster right now, but I have been reading Proverbs and am trying to learn to hold my tongue) Sweet Land helps me visually say what I believe to be the best in marriage. I told you a long time ago that I had some things I was learning from my car accident (and I don't think I am done learning yet) - one of them being that my husband meant his vows. That in sickness and in health, he is committed to me. Which is part of why I cry when I see the couple at work loving each other well after so many years - because I pray for the grace to be able to do that with Matt.

(As a side note, at some point in the near future, I would love to tell you about other movies I enjoy, but they are almost all documentaries because I am a wimp and can't handle much action/adventure when it comes to movies - so depending on your movie tastes, you may or may not want to read that post. Although I hope to compel you to open your mind to documentaries if they are not a favorite.)

Ruby sleeps on right now after her 1 year shots. And I pray to be able to write true things, and things that really are on my heart, and things I am going to want to remember. Things that will honor Matt and Ruby. Things that will help you know what a screw-up I can be lest I deceive you. Things said not to win your approval or more followers, but for the pleasure of God. Another favorite movie quote from Chariots of Fire, where the main character, an Olympian runner explains to his family that "when I run, I feel His [God's] pleasure." Well, when I write, I want to feel His pleasure of what I have to say.

A hope for this coming year is more posting. More pictures and more posting. But we'll see - I am still so slowly getting the hang of this parenting thing.

Happy Birthday Ruby

Famine revisited

I have written about this before... The title of my post is not all that creative, and may not attract any readers. But I have to talk about it again, my hands are shaking a little, and I have been in tears this morning, wanting to effectively and appropriately tell you about the continued famine in the Horn of Africa that falls off my radar at times, but the Lord is graciously reminding me about.

I sat down to open an envelope from an organization we believe in and admire for its mission and methods - Food for the Hungry. And the famine was brought to my attention again. And I asked the Lord "what can I do?" again. And though I have mentioned it here before, I thought I could do something different today.

The reason I was in tears this morning was just thinking about God's ways, that I don't understand - that at times I love, and at times I don't. And there's a lot of sorting through if you decide you want to start understanding God's ways, but instead of asking myself why I am sitting here in a house with a full fridge and a daughter sleeping with a full belly, I thought it would be better for now to just move on to what I can do.

I can tell you about the letter I received - that I believe is an answer to prayer. The U.S. Agency for International Development is providing a matching grant to any money given to Food for the Hungry ..... $1 equals $20!!!!!

So if you chose to give even $5, it would become $100 of aid for the people in Kenya, Ethiopia and Somalia. I am mathematically challenged, but even I can understand that this grant is a huge deal!

And there are many other organizations that are also incredibly worthwhile to donate to - I have mentioned Compassion International before as well. And you may be able to tell me about others - please do so!

And I can ask you if you would simply consider posting some sort of information about the famine on your blog, or tweeting, or facebooking (an acceptable verb? I sort of doubt it). The BBC website is an excellent resource for information about the famine - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-14249733. Be aware that if you do start reading more thoroughly on the site, there are some pictures of the people and children who are malnourished that are painful in fact to see. I don't know if it's weird to ask you to consider posting in your own places. But I am reminding myself - you don't have to read my blog if you don't like this. And you don't have to pass on info if you don't want to. So please don't be offended by the nature of my posting today, but in my home in Kansas, with my napping child, I thought it does not hurt to tell my friends and family what is important to me today. Thanks for letting me share.

I also thought I could ask anyone who likes to pray to consider joining me in praying, when I sit down to eat to lift up a small prayer for the people affected by the drought. My friend Kelsey even taught me about something her dad calls "arrow prayers" - I may miss the gist of it, but just kind of like shooting a thought up in the air about somebody you care about, may not even have specific words to go with it, but just a three time a day reminder to myself that there are people who are in need. I am thankful we can pray to a God who calls himself a Provider. And I am thankful that He asked us, His people, to join Him in sharing what He has generously given us.

What are you waiting for?

A side note that I have been listening to Shaun Groves' Third World Symphony CD repeatedly over the last week and am enjoying it so much..... if you are looking for some new music:)

The little girl will be waking up soon because her naps are short because her ears have been hurting her because of an ear infection. It's funny how those words were somewhat meaningless to me, or at least I was pretty clueless about their impact, until this weekend when they took over our household....

So, I will very quickly tell you what I have been thinking about a lot. I believe that sometimes there are parts of the Bible, verses, or even words, that take on more significance to each of us, and that this is one of the ways God can speak to us. So, some words that I have been thinking about for awhile now, I finally took the chance to look up -

From Hosea 12:6a Message version,

"What are you waiting for?"

From Acts 22:16a Message version,

"What are you waiting for? Get up...."

From Luke 5:25, Message version, when the paralytic is told to get up -

"Without a moment's hesitation, he did it - got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way"

From Romans 8 Message version,

"Get on with your new life"

And to me, when I think about "What are you waiting for?" it reminds me how often I stop myself from doing something because of fear. A silly example - but I am wanting to make this (but maybe a little more fallish)...

http://go.tipjunkie.com/dc/1321/www.cornerhouseblog.com/2011/06/awesome-paper-wreath.html

And I am scared to, since I am not really a crafter. Since I don't own a hot glue gun:) (Pretty easily remedied I think!) Typing it makes it seem even a little more silly, but I think this is just one example in my life. What else am I not doing out of fear? A friend pointed out last week that it might be helpful to ask myself, "What is the worst that could happen?" When I added corn to the soup last night because I hadn't made enough chicken (I don't like not following recipes or improvising....) - you know what, it actually turned out fine. If I say hi to my neighbor that I am intimidated to talk to, what is the worst that could happen? She looks at me blankly? She doesn't say hi back? What would happen if I stopped hitting the brakes on life all the time?

So in small ways, I am trying to start fighting the urge to let fear be in control. I am adding corn to the soup. I am going to buy a hot glue gun. And I am hoping that this will translate into bigger things. Kind of become a habit. Maybe open the door to adventure, possibility and most important to me, seeing God at work? The rest of Romans 8 in the message says "There are things to do and places to go!" Amen.

Wenonga and September

I started an email to friends awhile back by letting them know that when I write the word "September", I am also singing along in my head to Earth, Wind and Fire.... (You can listen as you read if you like). I used to dislike the fall, but something happened in recent years. It is just such a special time of year to me anymore. Lots of memories - among the top, I am thankful for my time at Wenonga. For a year and a half, I had the pleasure of living with some friends in a house on Wenonga, while I was in graduate school. Five years ago, I had started my fall semester of my first year of PT school, and I was in the throes of human anatomy (complete with cadaver lab that had me in tears prior to my first lab - sitting in the hall, crying about trying to make it through that first 4 hour afternoon - amazing how insurmountable that class felt, and now I am sitting here still able to remember what formaldehyde smelled like on my clothes). I don't think I was a very fun person to be around at the time. I distinctly remember having the thought that nobody would want to date me while a graduate student as I felt like there was no time to get to know somebody. My roommates were good to me though, and instead of allowing me to study one Saturday night, insisted I come along with them to the American Royal to hang out with some of their friends. Where I met Matt Totsch. From four girls and two dogs, we became five girls and one dog. I could write about so many memories from that time - a vacuum explosion, raking leaves, Blakely's coffee cake on Saturday mornings, watching the Office together, Gunner insatiably wanting cuddles. These girls graciously celebrated when Matt and I got engaged and then when we got married. Last year, we were celebrating at our good friends Julie and Scott's wedding, with Ruby in my tummy (about a week or two away from entering the world).

I miss them and the blessing it was to live with them. I hold special memories of Crystal practicing aerobics moves in our living room, of Natalie kindly helping me do my hair because I never could, of Sara listening to a story, of Blakely coming to study alongside me, of Megan's generous heart.... Allow some sappiness for a minute, but I would not be the wife and mom I am today without the influence of their friendship. And I thank them for that sweet season in life.

Ramblings....

We have a walker in the house now - a 15 stepper, no guts, no glory, little peanut who thinks she's big stuff when she takes off across the room.... and she is. She keeps revealing little aspects of her personality - the later in the day it gets, the more of a daredevil she becomes. Almost like an overtired happy little track runner, sort of - hands waving wildly up in the air, steps getting faster and faster to get where she intends to go....

I listened to a song a lot when Ruby was first born by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn". It has a part when the lyrics talk about a baby learning to walk - singing about "remember when we walk, sometimes we fall....so fall on Jesus." I have thought about that part of the song often as I've watched this process - because while she's learning to walk, Ruby falls many, many, many times. And she gets up over and over again. Except when she's tired, or the fall was too hard and then she reaches up for one of us.

I looked at my "stats" just now on my blog and felt a mix of emotions - one part of me thought, wow, compared to so-and-so I don't have that many views (honest part). The other part of me laughed because somebody in Alaska has viewed our little blog, and I don't know why, but I just enjoy that.

I have been reading some things lately that have me thinking - a book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts and a friend's blog where she regularly writes her posts about what she is grateful for. And I think God is trying to tell me something as I read these things. But I also think He told me something a long time ago, when I read something written by John and Stasi Eldgredge - "You have one life to live. It would be best to live your own."

It is a very small, simple example and maybe an odd comparison - but watching Ruby fall reminds me of my attempts at blogging. Because in blogging, I am attempting to talk about what I see, what I am learning, where we are going, what I feel like Jesus is saying to me. Sometimes I do it well. Sometimes I make it where I intend to go when I start out. And sometimes I am being myself, and sometimes I am not.

So I come back to remind myself that this blog does not have to be like anyone else's. I am glad somebody from Alaska wandered in here (accidentally? welcome!), but I really enjoyed stumbling across this on Ann Voskamp's site... A Blogger's Prayer. As a physical therapist, they told us in school that we would start watching people walk. That sounds kind of creepy - but that we would notice the differences between how different people take steps to get somewhere. And Ruby is going to have a different way of getting somewhere than me, than Matt, than anyone else out there. A unique gait. I hope that as she is learning this that her mama is learning that it is OK that her gait is unique too. That my walk through life is going to be different than anyone else's. That what I choose to share here can be my own.

I didn't really think out this post when I started it. Which is sort of unlike me. But feels a little daredevil myself. And I may not sit here and reread it ten times to see if I like how it sounds, and check it for typos, and rework it. For today, I am just going to hit "publish" and be glad.