What are you waiting for?

A side note that I have been listening to Shaun Groves' Third World Symphony CD repeatedly over the last week and am enjoying it so much..... if you are looking for some new music:)

The little girl will be waking up soon because her naps are short because her ears have been hurting her because of an ear infection. It's funny how those words were somewhat meaningless to me, or at least I was pretty clueless about their impact, until this weekend when they took over our household....

So, I will very quickly tell you what I have been thinking about a lot. I believe that sometimes there are parts of the Bible, verses, or even words, that take on more significance to each of us, and that this is one of the ways God can speak to us. So, some words that I have been thinking about for awhile now, I finally took the chance to look up -

From Hosea 12:6a Message version,

"What are you waiting for?"

From Acts 22:16a Message version,

"What are you waiting for? Get up...."

From Luke 5:25, Message version, when the paralytic is told to get up -

"Without a moment's hesitation, he did it - got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way"

From Romans 8 Message version,

"Get on with your new life"

And to me, when I think about "What are you waiting for?" it reminds me how often I stop myself from doing something because of fear. A silly example - but I am wanting to make this (but maybe a little more fallish)...

http://go.tipjunkie.com/dc/1321/www.cornerhouseblog.com/2011/06/awesome-paper-wreath.html

And I am scared to, since I am not really a crafter. Since I don't own a hot glue gun:) (Pretty easily remedied I think!) Typing it makes it seem even a little more silly, but I think this is just one example in my life. What else am I not doing out of fear? A friend pointed out last week that it might be helpful to ask myself, "What is the worst that could happen?" When I added corn to the soup last night because I hadn't made enough chicken (I don't like not following recipes or improvising....) - you know what, it actually turned out fine. If I say hi to my neighbor that I am intimidated to talk to, what is the worst that could happen? She looks at me blankly? She doesn't say hi back? What would happen if I stopped hitting the brakes on life all the time?

So in small ways, I am trying to start fighting the urge to let fear be in control. I am adding corn to the soup. I am going to buy a hot glue gun. And I am hoping that this will translate into bigger things. Kind of become a habit. Maybe open the door to adventure, possibility and most important to me, seeing God at work? The rest of Romans 8 in the message says "There are things to do and places to go!" Amen.

Wenonga and September

I started an email to friends awhile back by letting them know that when I write the word "September", I am also singing along in my head to Earth, Wind and Fire.... (You can listen as you read if you like). I used to dislike the fall, but something happened in recent years. It is just such a special time of year to me anymore. Lots of memories - among the top, I am thankful for my time at Wenonga. For a year and a half, I had the pleasure of living with some friends in a house on Wenonga, while I was in graduate school. Five years ago, I had started my fall semester of my first year of PT school, and I was in the throes of human anatomy (complete with cadaver lab that had me in tears prior to my first lab - sitting in the hall, crying about trying to make it through that first 4 hour afternoon - amazing how insurmountable that class felt, and now I am sitting here still able to remember what formaldehyde smelled like on my clothes). I don't think I was a very fun person to be around at the time. I distinctly remember having the thought that nobody would want to date me while a graduate student as I felt like there was no time to get to know somebody. My roommates were good to me though, and instead of allowing me to study one Saturday night, insisted I come along with them to the American Royal to hang out with some of their friends. Where I met Matt Totsch. From four girls and two dogs, we became five girls and one dog. I could write about so many memories from that time - a vacuum explosion, raking leaves, Blakely's coffee cake on Saturday mornings, watching the Office together, Gunner insatiably wanting cuddles. These girls graciously celebrated when Matt and I got engaged and then when we got married. Last year, we were celebrating at our good friends Julie and Scott's wedding, with Ruby in my tummy (about a week or two away from entering the world).

I miss them and the blessing it was to live with them. I hold special memories of Crystal practicing aerobics moves in our living room, of Natalie kindly helping me do my hair because I never could, of Sara listening to a story, of Blakely coming to study alongside me, of Megan's generous heart.... Allow some sappiness for a minute, but I would not be the wife and mom I am today without the influence of their friendship. And I thank them for that sweet season in life.

Ramblings....

We have a walker in the house now - a 15 stepper, no guts, no glory, little peanut who thinks she's big stuff when she takes off across the room.... and she is. She keeps revealing little aspects of her personality - the later in the day it gets, the more of a daredevil she becomes. Almost like an overtired happy little track runner, sort of - hands waving wildly up in the air, steps getting faster and faster to get where she intends to go....

I listened to a song a lot when Ruby was first born by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn". It has a part when the lyrics talk about a baby learning to walk - singing about "remember when we walk, sometimes we fall....so fall on Jesus." I have thought about that part of the song often as I've watched this process - because while she's learning to walk, Ruby falls many, many, many times. And she gets up over and over again. Except when she's tired, or the fall was too hard and then she reaches up for one of us.

I looked at my "stats" just now on my blog and felt a mix of emotions - one part of me thought, wow, compared to so-and-so I don't have that many views (honest part). The other part of me laughed because somebody in Alaska has viewed our little blog, and I don't know why, but I just enjoy that.

I have been reading some things lately that have me thinking - a book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts and a friend's blog where she regularly writes her posts about what she is grateful for. And I think God is trying to tell me something as I read these things. But I also think He told me something a long time ago, when I read something written by John and Stasi Eldgredge - "You have one life to live. It would be best to live your own."

It is a very small, simple example and maybe an odd comparison - but watching Ruby fall reminds me of my attempts at blogging. Because in blogging, I am attempting to talk about what I see, what I am learning, where we are going, what I feel like Jesus is saying to me. Sometimes I do it well. Sometimes I make it where I intend to go when I start out. And sometimes I am being myself, and sometimes I am not.

So I come back to remind myself that this blog does not have to be like anyone else's. I am glad somebody from Alaska wandered in here (accidentally? welcome!), but I really enjoyed stumbling across this on Ann Voskamp's site... A Blogger's Prayer. As a physical therapist, they told us in school that we would start watching people walk. That sounds kind of creepy - but that we would notice the differences between how different people take steps to get somewhere. And Ruby is going to have a different way of getting somewhere than me, than Matt, than anyone else out there. A unique gait. I hope that as she is learning this that her mama is learning that it is OK that her gait is unique too. That my walk through life is going to be different than anyone else's. That what I choose to share here can be my own.

I didn't really think out this post when I started it. Which is sort of unlike me. But feels a little daredevil myself. And I may not sit here and reread it ten times to see if I like how it sounds, and check it for typos, and rework it. For today, I am just going to hit "publish" and be glad.

Date Night

I have some things on my mind - I am thinking about a family whose baby was admitted to the hospital. I am thinking about a family member going through a difficult time. I am thinking about how I am not good at knowing how to think of weighty circumstances without letting them be the lens of looking at life. So in light of this, I feel that it is very important to go ahead and tell you about.... our most recent date night. Because sometimes it helps to smile, or laugh, or at least enjoy again a fun memory. And that's what blogging is also about, isn't it?

For our most recent date night, Matt and I were debating what to do... we turned to a favorite place for ideas for what to do on the weekends - http://www.kansascityonthecheap.com/

It seriously has led us to some winners - Symphony in the Park over Labor day weekend, a blues festival in KCK two summers ago that we loved, a hot air balloon festival. And FREE. Well, KC on the cheap did not fail us this time either - we discovered that the Johnson County Fair was going on the same night we were looking for something to do and decided that a trip to Gardner, KS was well worth the effort for the promised (free) fun.

We were not disappointed. In fact, my expectations were surpassed. And I enjoyed again the fact that I am still learning things about my husband. And he is learning things about me. Like the fact that despite my four years of living in small town, Arkansas, I am still a city slicker at heart. Here are some snippets of our conversation as we walked around....

Me: What is that noise?

Matt: Those are pigs (looking slightly humored that I did not identify said sound).

Me: Why is nobody else taking pictures of all of this?

Matt: (No comment - just smiling)

Me: Matt, that sheep looks like he's mad and dangerous, you shouldn't get too close....

Matt:

Me: Maybe I should not have worn ballet flats to the fair (while dodging all matters of things on the ground amidst the gravel, and noticing that many other people in fact have cowboy boots on)

Me: What is a demo derby?

At which point my husband lights up. We walk towards the entrance to the arena to find out that this strange event that I am not familiar with has been sold out. I continue to remain confused what is causing my husband such delight, and would be so worthy of a packed, anticipating crowd. We walk to a little hill overlooking the arena so Matt can show me. In a nearby parking lot, I notice some beater cars getting their engines started.... At which point, Matt explains that this is a demolition derby, not a demonstration derby as I had thought. He tells me that these cars I am watching are about to run into each other. On purpose. To a girl who has been in a car accident, this sounds like a dumb idea. But the "dumb idea" has sold out a crowd. I am seeing grown men crawl under the chain fence to get in to watch the show. I am amazed at little boys cheering as cars go crashing into each other, with their skinny arms raised victoriously into the air, as if this is what life is all about. And I am watching Matt enjoy himself immensely. I think partially because of the derby, but partially because his wife had no idea that such a concept existed.

We had a great time. We walked around. We watched little kids climb onto carnival rides, looking tough and scared at the same time. (I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in The Sandlot when the boys go to get on a similar ride after beating the rival team in town and celebrating with some snuff - thankfully nothing like that occurred this evening, at least that I witnessed).

And we finished off the night with a delicious funnel cake. While waiting in line for one of my favorite summer treats, I got one more moment of "introduction to another life" when for the first time I saw that what I had heard about was true:

There really are such things as fried twinkies, fried oreos, and fried snickers. Thank you, Matt Totsch, for a great date night.

Famine

I have been wondering how to talk about this. I am normally super-late on any world events given our lack of cable television, no newspaper, and the fact that I don't take the time to typically check current events online. As I have been reading our friend Lee Anne's blog, however, I have started to follow more about the famine that is occurring in the Horn of Africa. Something new is going on in my heart. I cared about Joplin. I cared about the earthquake in Haiti. But I wake up in the morning thinking about this famine. I can't explain why - maybe because we sponsor children that live in Ethiopia through Food for the Hungry. And I talk to Matt about it. And I get frustrated that I feel like I can do so little - I can't hop on a plane right now to go offer help. I don't know that our little blog will garner much attention to help spread the word about this crisis. And our financial situation feels so limited, thank you graduate school loans.... but is it?

That's what's getting to me - I feel like there must be something I can do. And I have started to just mull over ideas - smile at them, but I am serious. These ideas run the gamut, and many seem so unlikely - do I have a lemonade stand to raise money? That seems like it would work better if I were in elementary school. Is there anything I can sell to raise money? My wedding dress? The amount I might earn for it, in its un-drycleaned state doesn't seem to be worth the sadness I feel thinking about getting rid of it. Can I change my spending habits to free up money to use in other ways? This is the idea that is getting to me - I think about it often. And I wanted to talk about it here but without it being in a condemning, self-righteous way that would leave others feeling judged or guilty. Especially since I spent a few hours this morning at the Legends buying clothes with the gift card that my kind in-laws gave me for my birthday but I misplaced until this week.... I'll save my memory problems for another post.

I have more questions than I have answers. Could I give up eating meals out? Could I give up my beloved Chai or Dr. Pepper that really are an unnecessary part of my day? How do I think about others starving while I am throwing out food that has gone bad just sitting in our refrigerator?

My brain cannot grapple with how it is healthy and good and part of living life to the full to enjoy a date night out with my husband tonight while it is also healthy and loving and part of sharing in the heart of Jesus to care for orphans and widows in their distress. I cannot reconcile these ideas. I feel like I am ungracefully trying to explain something that I don't understand.

All I know for sure is that my heart is stirred - I know that Jesus feasted with friends (and enemies), but he also said that whatever we do for the least, it is as if we were doing so for Him.

Lord, my life is so out of balance sometimes..... but you know my heart. You know I am not wishing to condemn, myself or others. You know that I truly want to see your kingdom and your will done here in Kansas and in Somalia and in my heart. Lord, clear away the confusion.... show us your ways O Lord, teach us your paths, guide us in your truth and teach us, for you are God, our Savior and our hope is in you all day long.

Also, to maybe be a little more light-hearted to end....

check out the First World Problems rap

The Other Side of the Story

Matt got back from Kearney, and we are (for the most part) more sane again. We were talking about his experience, different aspects of the trip, such as flying, going through security, etc.

We were laughing thinking back to our trip to New Jersey in April....I shared in a post a little bit about our time in the Newark airport. But I did not share the full story. Because it was not funny at the time. Thankfully it is now. After that sweet encounter with the girl from Morocco, and getting to be reminded of life being bigger than my own little world, I quickly jumped back into a much smaller, skewed perspective. The girl went back from her lunch break to work, and I sat there a few minutes, a very few minutes before Matt came up with some news. That our plane to KC that had been delayed several hours was actually cancelled due to weather. That we were instead, supposed to BOOK IT through security (with stroller and car seat and baby and paraphenalia) to a flight to Chicago where we were to stay overnight before getting on another plane early the next day to KC because that was our only option if we wanted to fly out of NJ for the next 5 days (all other flights being booked apparently). So just to review the situation, my peaceful rainy afternoon at the airport with my family now entailed a "Home Alone"-like run through the airport to try to catch a plane to Chicago with our 6 month old, where we did not have lodging (nor was the airline responsible to help us find any), where our luggage would not be (because it was lost in the bowels of the Newark luggage system), where I only had enough diapers and formula in the carryon to last us through the evening, and where I had not planned on going. I know that I can be a little high strung, but these events caused me to lose it. In the security line where many other people were also in similar predicaments. It caused me to cry hysterically. And to act in a childish, frustrated tantrum, mostly out of concern for how we were going to take care of Ruby in these circumstances - maybe slightly justified? I also think these hysterics won me a trip through the new-fangled x-ray machine in the security line, that I only found out later can apparently see through your clothing. It is probably a good thing I only found this out after I had passed through it, or I might have created even more of a scene, which probably would not have helped anything. (The end of the story involved 6 more hours at the airport before being booked on a flight to KC for the next day and getting to stay one extra night with my mom - everything worked out in the end). But thinking back to my tears in the security line caused Matt and I a good chuckle this week. And I told him that I had only told you about half the story that day, as I met the young woman on her lunch break - and we agreed that the other half of the story should not be forgotten either. I am very thankful to the Lord that memories are usually funnier, or gentler, or less unkind to us than the original situation. At the time - not funny. Now - funny.

I also only shared half the story of Matt being gone on the Kearney trip. Because Ruby and I did pretty well most of the weekend with Matt gone. A little lonely. A little bored. But it was Sunday night, after I had posted that I had another moment - on my way home from church, when I had decided that I had earned the right to a lovely Reese's cup concrete from Sheridan's for my hard work over the weekend. And Ruby decided that she was tired of being in her car seat and began to fuss. Strongly. To the point where it was either my daughter's happiness or my sweet tooth that were going to win out. And I believe I made the right mom decision by just going home and foregoing my concrete (which my husband took me for the next night anyway). But I was angry at that specific moment when I had to keep driving instead of heading to Sheridans. A week later, definitely not a big deal. How is it though that in the moment, feelings can be so strong, decisions can feel so enormous? I don't really like admitting the other half of my stories sometimes, especially on our blog. Our friend Jami would strongly applaud the sharing of the other half. Being indecisive, it is hard for me to decide what to share at times, what would be interesting, what we will want to remember some day, what to allow others to see of our lives. I guess what I am praying that I learn right now is something I was reading the other day, that I should behave or make decisions as I would wish I had when I am 80.... which "in the moment" is not always the easiest to do. Working with 80 year olds three days a week makes it a little easier to picture what I hope I turn out like if the Lord chooses to let me see 80. Guess I just wanted to share a little glimpse of my thoughts with you.

Kearney trip

There is an event that happens every year called the Kearney trip. My husband gets together with his college buddies, and they have a blast. I am rounding out my last few hours of the Kearney weekend, Matt is on his way back as we speak. I have enjoyed this time with Ruby - I tried to take pictures of her crawling and standing to share, but she is pretty much on the move most of the time, and it's a little difficult to get a non-blurry picture. So I posted these instead. I am pretty excited for her to see her daddy and vice versa. Because as you can tell from these pictures, they have an awfully good time together. He is pretty gifted when it comes to entertaining her. And me. We sometimes get to meet him for lunch at Chick-fil-a, and it is a highlight of everyone's day. I asked Matt to be serious for one picture, but it just kept getting less so:) I told him that Ruby will not have a "normal" picture of them together when she gets older. He does not seemed too concerned. And I think she will love the pictures just the same, maybe even more.