Date Night

I have some things on my mind - I am thinking about a family whose baby was admitted to the hospital. I am thinking about a family member going through a difficult time. I am thinking about how I am not good at knowing how to think of weighty circumstances without letting them be the lens of looking at life. So in light of this, I feel that it is very important to go ahead and tell you about.... our most recent date night. Because sometimes it helps to smile, or laugh, or at least enjoy again a fun memory. And that's what blogging is also about, isn't it?

For our most recent date night, Matt and I were debating what to do... we turned to a favorite place for ideas for what to do on the weekends - http://www.kansascityonthecheap.com/

It seriously has led us to some winners - Symphony in the Park over Labor day weekend, a blues festival in KCK two summers ago that we loved, a hot air balloon festival. And FREE. Well, KC on the cheap did not fail us this time either - we discovered that the Johnson County Fair was going on the same night we were looking for something to do and decided that a trip to Gardner, KS was well worth the effort for the promised (free) fun.

We were not disappointed. In fact, my expectations were surpassed. And I enjoyed again the fact that I am still learning things about my husband. And he is learning things about me. Like the fact that despite my four years of living in small town, Arkansas, I am still a city slicker at heart. Here are some snippets of our conversation as we walked around....

Me: What is that noise?

Matt: Those are pigs (looking slightly humored that I did not identify said sound).

Me: Why is nobody else taking pictures of all of this?

Matt: (No comment - just smiling)

Me: Matt, that sheep looks like he's mad and dangerous, you shouldn't get too close....

Matt:

Me: Maybe I should not have worn ballet flats to the fair (while dodging all matters of things on the ground amidst the gravel, and noticing that many other people in fact have cowboy boots on)

Me: What is a demo derby?

At which point my husband lights up. We walk towards the entrance to the arena to find out that this strange event that I am not familiar with has been sold out. I continue to remain confused what is causing my husband such delight, and would be so worthy of a packed, anticipating crowd. We walk to a little hill overlooking the arena so Matt can show me. In a nearby parking lot, I notice some beater cars getting their engines started.... At which point, Matt explains that this is a demolition derby, not a demonstration derby as I had thought. He tells me that these cars I am watching are about to run into each other. On purpose. To a girl who has been in a car accident, this sounds like a dumb idea. But the "dumb idea" has sold out a crowd. I am seeing grown men crawl under the chain fence to get in to watch the show. I am amazed at little boys cheering as cars go crashing into each other, with their skinny arms raised victoriously into the air, as if this is what life is all about. And I am watching Matt enjoy himself immensely. I think partially because of the derby, but partially because his wife had no idea that such a concept existed.

We had a great time. We walked around. We watched little kids climb onto carnival rides, looking tough and scared at the same time. (I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in The Sandlot when the boys go to get on a similar ride after beating the rival team in town and celebrating with some snuff - thankfully nothing like that occurred this evening, at least that I witnessed).

And we finished off the night with a delicious funnel cake. While waiting in line for one of my favorite summer treats, I got one more moment of "introduction to another life" when for the first time I saw that what I had heard about was true:

There really are such things as fried twinkies, fried oreos, and fried snickers. Thank you, Matt Totsch, for a great date night.

Famine

I have been wondering how to talk about this. I am normally super-late on any world events given our lack of cable television, no newspaper, and the fact that I don't take the time to typically check current events online. As I have been reading our friend Lee Anne's blog, however, I have started to follow more about the famine that is occurring in the Horn of Africa. Something new is going on in my heart. I cared about Joplin. I cared about the earthquake in Haiti. But I wake up in the morning thinking about this famine. I can't explain why - maybe because we sponsor children that live in Ethiopia through Food for the Hungry. And I talk to Matt about it. And I get frustrated that I feel like I can do so little - I can't hop on a plane right now to go offer help. I don't know that our little blog will garner much attention to help spread the word about this crisis. And our financial situation feels so limited, thank you graduate school loans.... but is it?

That's what's getting to me - I feel like there must be something I can do. And I have started to just mull over ideas - smile at them, but I am serious. These ideas run the gamut, and many seem so unlikely - do I have a lemonade stand to raise money? That seems like it would work better if I were in elementary school. Is there anything I can sell to raise money? My wedding dress? The amount I might earn for it, in its un-drycleaned state doesn't seem to be worth the sadness I feel thinking about getting rid of it. Can I change my spending habits to free up money to use in other ways? This is the idea that is getting to me - I think about it often. And I wanted to talk about it here but without it being in a condemning, self-righteous way that would leave others feeling judged or guilty. Especially since I spent a few hours this morning at the Legends buying clothes with the gift card that my kind in-laws gave me for my birthday but I misplaced until this week.... I'll save my memory problems for another post.

I have more questions than I have answers. Could I give up eating meals out? Could I give up my beloved Chai or Dr. Pepper that really are an unnecessary part of my day? How do I think about others starving while I am throwing out food that has gone bad just sitting in our refrigerator?

My brain cannot grapple with how it is healthy and good and part of living life to the full to enjoy a date night out with my husband tonight while it is also healthy and loving and part of sharing in the heart of Jesus to care for orphans and widows in their distress. I cannot reconcile these ideas. I feel like I am ungracefully trying to explain something that I don't understand.

All I know for sure is that my heart is stirred - I know that Jesus feasted with friends (and enemies), but he also said that whatever we do for the least, it is as if we were doing so for Him.

Lord, my life is so out of balance sometimes..... but you know my heart. You know I am not wishing to condemn, myself or others. You know that I truly want to see your kingdom and your will done here in Kansas and in Somalia and in my heart. Lord, clear away the confusion.... show us your ways O Lord, teach us your paths, guide us in your truth and teach us, for you are God, our Savior and our hope is in you all day long.

Also, to maybe be a little more light-hearted to end....

check out the First World Problems rap

The Other Side of the Story

Matt got back from Kearney, and we are (for the most part) more sane again. We were talking about his experience, different aspects of the trip, such as flying, going through security, etc.

We were laughing thinking back to our trip to New Jersey in April....I shared in a post a little bit about our time in the Newark airport. But I did not share the full story. Because it was not funny at the time. Thankfully it is now. After that sweet encounter with the girl from Morocco, and getting to be reminded of life being bigger than my own little world, I quickly jumped back into a much smaller, skewed perspective. The girl went back from her lunch break to work, and I sat there a few minutes, a very few minutes before Matt came up with some news. That our plane to KC that had been delayed several hours was actually cancelled due to weather. That we were instead, supposed to BOOK IT through security (with stroller and car seat and baby and paraphenalia) to a flight to Chicago where we were to stay overnight before getting on another plane early the next day to KC because that was our only option if we wanted to fly out of NJ for the next 5 days (all other flights being booked apparently). So just to review the situation, my peaceful rainy afternoon at the airport with my family now entailed a "Home Alone"-like run through the airport to try to catch a plane to Chicago with our 6 month old, where we did not have lodging (nor was the airline responsible to help us find any), where our luggage would not be (because it was lost in the bowels of the Newark luggage system), where I only had enough diapers and formula in the carryon to last us through the evening, and where I had not planned on going. I know that I can be a little high strung, but these events caused me to lose it. In the security line where many other people were also in similar predicaments. It caused me to cry hysterically. And to act in a childish, frustrated tantrum, mostly out of concern for how we were going to take care of Ruby in these circumstances - maybe slightly justified? I also think these hysterics won me a trip through the new-fangled x-ray machine in the security line, that I only found out later can apparently see through your clothing. It is probably a good thing I only found this out after I had passed through it, or I might have created even more of a scene, which probably would not have helped anything. (The end of the story involved 6 more hours at the airport before being booked on a flight to KC for the next day and getting to stay one extra night with my mom - everything worked out in the end). But thinking back to my tears in the security line caused Matt and I a good chuckle this week. And I told him that I had only told you about half the story that day, as I met the young woman on her lunch break - and we agreed that the other half of the story should not be forgotten either. I am very thankful to the Lord that memories are usually funnier, or gentler, or less unkind to us than the original situation. At the time - not funny. Now - funny.

I also only shared half the story of Matt being gone on the Kearney trip. Because Ruby and I did pretty well most of the weekend with Matt gone. A little lonely. A little bored. But it was Sunday night, after I had posted that I had another moment - on my way home from church, when I had decided that I had earned the right to a lovely Reese's cup concrete from Sheridan's for my hard work over the weekend. And Ruby decided that she was tired of being in her car seat and began to fuss. Strongly. To the point where it was either my daughter's happiness or my sweet tooth that were going to win out. And I believe I made the right mom decision by just going home and foregoing my concrete (which my husband took me for the next night anyway). But I was angry at that specific moment when I had to keep driving instead of heading to Sheridans. A week later, definitely not a big deal. How is it though that in the moment, feelings can be so strong, decisions can feel so enormous? I don't really like admitting the other half of my stories sometimes, especially on our blog. Our friend Jami would strongly applaud the sharing of the other half. Being indecisive, it is hard for me to decide what to share at times, what would be interesting, what we will want to remember some day, what to allow others to see of our lives. I guess what I am praying that I learn right now is something I was reading the other day, that I should behave or make decisions as I would wish I had when I am 80.... which "in the moment" is not always the easiest to do. Working with 80 year olds three days a week makes it a little easier to picture what I hope I turn out like if the Lord chooses to let me see 80. Guess I just wanted to share a little glimpse of my thoughts with you.

Kearney trip

There is an event that happens every year called the Kearney trip. My husband gets together with his college buddies, and they have a blast. I am rounding out my last few hours of the Kearney weekend, Matt is on his way back as we speak. I have enjoyed this time with Ruby - I tried to take pictures of her crawling and standing to share, but she is pretty much on the move most of the time, and it's a little difficult to get a non-blurry picture. So I posted these instead. I am pretty excited for her to see her daddy and vice versa. Because as you can tell from these pictures, they have an awfully good time together. He is pretty gifted when it comes to entertaining her. And me. We sometimes get to meet him for lunch at Chick-fil-a, and it is a highlight of everyone's day. I asked Matt to be serious for one picture, but it just kept getting less so:) I told him that Ruby will not have a "normal" picture of them together when she gets older. He does not seemed too concerned. And I think she will love the pictures just the same, maybe even more.

Summer so far....

I have been procrastinating blogging. Because the longer I go between posts, the more it overwhelms me to think about what to say. Do I summarize the last month? Or just say what is most relevant to me today? Do I include pictures? Since when did blogging become something to which feelings of obligation, or guilt, or duty were attached? So, since I have a little time while the Rubster sleeps, I felt like what I could handle today was bulleting....

• Ruby's occupational therapy appointment went well. We are on the right track from that standpoint. Still continue to work on figuring out this whole solid food thing for my daughter. And feel pretty clueless at times. But I thank God that Ruby likes Stonyfield Organic Vanilla Whole Fat yogurt. It is the little victories..... Also, her favorite activity right now is cruising around on the furniture, albeit a little unsteadily, and it's pretty darn cute.
• My husband is a treasure. Or a rock star. Or many other nice things I should say about him. He spent 11 hours outside on a Saturday two weeks ago to paint our house. In 90+ degree weather. And did not complain to me. And last night when my snoring (I only snore infrequently, when I am very very tired:) kept him from sleeping, he did not poke me until I woke up (which is what I do to him). I think he tried to wake me, and was unsuccessful because I was sleeping so hard. He simply moved out to the couch to try to get some sleep, poor guy. He allowed me to spend much time and energy preparing for a friend's baby shower this weekend, while he watched the little one. And my favorite thing about him these days, is that he helps me along - by this I mean, that when the comments I am making, or the things I am dwelling on, or the spinning in place starts happening, he gives me that little boost to move on. Sometimes I do not welcome it at the time. But I am so very thankful he loves me enough to do it.
• And lastly, for today, wanted to share about our friends' new adventure: our friends are adopting from Ethiopia and need to raise another $625 in the next week to reach their first goal. They're doing a fundraiser here - http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/07/puzzle-fundraiser-because-were-cool.html - sponsor a puzzle piece for $10 and help bring their small one home!" We love them, and we love their hearts, and we love that once a week Ruby gets to spend the day with Kelsey and Lila while I work, we are so very thankful for the Kautzis.
  

On the eve of more therapy.....

Tomorrow I get to be in a new role. I received physical therapy earlier this year for a fractured sternum. Now tomorrow, Matt and I are taking Ruby for a feeding evaluation with an occupational therapist. We get the opportunity to have someone sit down with us and talk and observe our little one eating, and I am very thankful. Since we started cereal shortly after Ruby turned 4 months old, and the pediatrician gave us the go ahead, I have stressed about Ruby's eating. And since I learned my little one was in fact a little one, around this time last summer, I have stressed about her weight. So while both my husband and my daughter sleep, I am up just kind of thinking, anticipating, praying, hoping.
As you can tell from her pictures, Ruby looks healthy and happy. From a developmental standpoint, no concerns. She is learning to crawl (backwards right now, I love it! she bumps into things and it is so darn cute). She claps her hands. But she is not a solid foods girl. Yet - I should add. When people say, "Oh, there is no way, she'll end up heading off to college on a bottle," there is a small part of me that inwardly dies and wonders, "What if they are wrong?" Irrational, I know, but honest.
So I have played out scenarios in my head, when the kind OT working with us tomorrow gives us her input - she may say I have a strong-willed daughter. She may say that once we start finger foods, Ruby may do much better. She may say that we need to change some things.
But as I am typing, I am realizing one thing she is not going to say, but I have been saying to myself for the last five months, and I will preface it by acknowledging that it is one big fat lie, but when you believe those lies, they sound like truth - "Kathleen, since you are fundamentally flawed, of course you have managed to figure out a way to keep Ruby from getting the nourishment she needs." I know, I already wrote that this statement is a lie, but when it's floating around in my head, or when we sit down together as a family and spend a meal trying to encourage Ruby to open her mouth for a bite of apples, it sounds true. Not easy admitting on a blog (that I am not sure who reads) that I believe at times that I am fundamentally flawed, but I know it affects me and those two sleeping dear ones of mine. Do we all believe that? I don't know - not something I have really asked others before....
And I have also realized for awhile now, that I don't mind telling other people I will pray for them, and I am willing to even pray some pretty outrageous, radical things for others. But when it comes to my own requests to God, be they simple or otherwise, I balk. I don't know how to pray about Ruby learning how to eat. I am afraid to ask God for something and be disappointed because it may lead me to add evidence to another lie that he does not care about me. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. So, on the eve of occupational therapy, I wanted to pray:

Father, thank you that you are a Father - you know what it is like to be a parent. Thank you for being the one who formed Ruby inside me, who perfectly knit her together. Who perfectly knit me together. I acknowledge that you are good. And you are loving. And you do not mind me praying about this evaluation tomorrow, in fact, you are delighted that I want to talk to you. Will you remind me that Ruby is your child? That you hold all things together, and you are making all things new? I have been praying almost daily for her since she was born that she would receive EACH DAY the nourishment she needs to grow strong, so do not let me doubt that you have heard that prayer and are answering it. Forgive me for believing lies that you do not care. Please give our OT insight into how she/we can help Ruby best. Please show me how to introduce foods that my daughter will enjoy eating. Please protect her from choking on the ones that are hard for her to eat right now. And please help me remember that she is her own person, that she may do things in her own time line, that she has been entrusted to us by you, for this time, to care for - ultimately, she is yours. Help me trust you and believe your love for Ruby, and your love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Father's Day

Well, I am a little early on the Father's Day wishes. But in a rare moment of by-myself-ness, I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Matt Totsch. I am debating whether what I will say would be better off in a card, what is my need to share this with any one who may be reading? I'm not totally sure. I guess I just want you to know this about him - I want to publicly acknowledge the gift that is my husband and Ruby's dad. Ruby Totsch is blessed with one incredible daddy. He will make her laugh so hard someday that milk will come out of her nose. He will teach her so much, how to correctly drill a hole in a wall (something that her mom does not know how to do and is banned from attempting:) ; he will teach her that spicy food is delicious; he will teach her not to press control-alt-delete on the computer ten times in a row to get it to unfreeze since this accomplishes nothing; he will teach her how to be generous; and one of my favorites is that he will teach her what it looks like to have faith in the goodness of God. I feel like I need to retype that. One of my favorite things about Matt is how he believes that God is faithful and good, and reminds me of those true things. And Matt himself, in trying to live out his beliefs, is teaching Ruby and me what it looks like to be faithful.
This is a favorite moment from the past year - one week old Ruby decides she does not want to go to sleep for what seemed like hours one early early morning (or late late night).... so Matt lets his daughter fall asleep on him, so his wife can get a break. And makes the most of the situation by continuing in his at-the-time ongoing quest to defeat Angry Birds. That's how I would describe you, Matt, you make the most of every situation. Happy Father's Day!
Love,
Wifey