Famine

I have been wondering how to talk about this. I am normally super-late on any world events given our lack of cable television, no newspaper, and the fact that I don't take the time to typically check current events online. As I have been reading our friend Lee Anne's blog, however, I have started to follow more about the famine that is occurring in the Horn of Africa. Something new is going on in my heart. I cared about Joplin. I cared about the earthquake in Haiti. But I wake up in the morning thinking about this famine. I can't explain why - maybe because we sponsor children that live in Ethiopia through Food for the Hungry. And I talk to Matt about it. And I get frustrated that I feel like I can do so little - I can't hop on a plane right now to go offer help. I don't know that our little blog will garner much attention to help spread the word about this crisis. And our financial situation feels so limited, thank you graduate school loans.... but is it?

That's what's getting to me - I feel like there must be something I can do. And I have started to just mull over ideas - smile at them, but I am serious. These ideas run the gamut, and many seem so unlikely - do I have a lemonade stand to raise money? That seems like it would work better if I were in elementary school. Is there anything I can sell to raise money? My wedding dress? The amount I might earn for it, in its un-drycleaned state doesn't seem to be worth the sadness I feel thinking about getting rid of it. Can I change my spending habits to free up money to use in other ways? This is the idea that is getting to me - I think about it often. And I wanted to talk about it here but without it being in a condemning, self-righteous way that would leave others feeling judged or guilty. Especially since I spent a few hours this morning at the Legends buying clothes with the gift card that my kind in-laws gave me for my birthday but I misplaced until this week.... I'll save my memory problems for another post.

I have more questions than I have answers. Could I give up eating meals out? Could I give up my beloved Chai or Dr. Pepper that really are an unnecessary part of my day? How do I think about others starving while I am throwing out food that has gone bad just sitting in our refrigerator?

My brain cannot grapple with how it is healthy and good and part of living life to the full to enjoy a date night out with my husband tonight while it is also healthy and loving and part of sharing in the heart of Jesus to care for orphans and widows in their distress. I cannot reconcile these ideas. I feel like I am ungracefully trying to explain something that I don't understand.

All I know for sure is that my heart is stirred - I know that Jesus feasted with friends (and enemies), but he also said that whatever we do for the least, it is as if we were doing so for Him.

Lord, my life is so out of balance sometimes..... but you know my heart. You know I am not wishing to condemn, myself or others. You know that I truly want to see your kingdom and your will done here in Kansas and in Somalia and in my heart. Lord, clear away the confusion.... show us your ways O Lord, teach us your paths, guide us in your truth and teach us, for you are God, our Savior and our hope is in you all day long.

Also, to maybe be a little more light-hearted to end....

check out the First World Problems rap

The Other Side of the Story

Matt got back from Kearney, and we are (for the most part) more sane again. We were talking about his experience, different aspects of the trip, such as flying, going through security, etc.

We were laughing thinking back to our trip to New Jersey in April....I shared in a post a little bit about our time in the Newark airport. But I did not share the full story. Because it was not funny at the time. Thankfully it is now. After that sweet encounter with the girl from Morocco, and getting to be reminded of life being bigger than my own little world, I quickly jumped back into a much smaller, skewed perspective. The girl went back from her lunch break to work, and I sat there a few minutes, a very few minutes before Matt came up with some news. That our plane to KC that had been delayed several hours was actually cancelled due to weather. That we were instead, supposed to BOOK IT through security (with stroller and car seat and baby and paraphenalia) to a flight to Chicago where we were to stay overnight before getting on another plane early the next day to KC because that was our only option if we wanted to fly out of NJ for the next 5 days (all other flights being booked apparently). So just to review the situation, my peaceful rainy afternoon at the airport with my family now entailed a "Home Alone"-like run through the airport to try to catch a plane to Chicago with our 6 month old, where we did not have lodging (nor was the airline responsible to help us find any), where our luggage would not be (because it was lost in the bowels of the Newark luggage system), where I only had enough diapers and formula in the carryon to last us through the evening, and where I had not planned on going. I know that I can be a little high strung, but these events caused me to lose it. In the security line where many other people were also in similar predicaments. It caused me to cry hysterically. And to act in a childish, frustrated tantrum, mostly out of concern for how we were going to take care of Ruby in these circumstances - maybe slightly justified? I also think these hysterics won me a trip through the new-fangled x-ray machine in the security line, that I only found out later can apparently see through your clothing. It is probably a good thing I only found this out after I had passed through it, or I might have created even more of a scene, which probably would not have helped anything. (The end of the story involved 6 more hours at the airport before being booked on a flight to KC for the next day and getting to stay one extra night with my mom - everything worked out in the end). But thinking back to my tears in the security line caused Matt and I a good chuckle this week. And I told him that I had only told you about half the story that day, as I met the young woman on her lunch break - and we agreed that the other half of the story should not be forgotten either. I am very thankful to the Lord that memories are usually funnier, or gentler, or less unkind to us than the original situation. At the time - not funny. Now - funny.

I also only shared half the story of Matt being gone on the Kearney trip. Because Ruby and I did pretty well most of the weekend with Matt gone. A little lonely. A little bored. But it was Sunday night, after I had posted that I had another moment - on my way home from church, when I had decided that I had earned the right to a lovely Reese's cup concrete from Sheridan's for my hard work over the weekend. And Ruby decided that she was tired of being in her car seat and began to fuss. Strongly. To the point where it was either my daughter's happiness or my sweet tooth that were going to win out. And I believe I made the right mom decision by just going home and foregoing my concrete (which my husband took me for the next night anyway). But I was angry at that specific moment when I had to keep driving instead of heading to Sheridans. A week later, definitely not a big deal. How is it though that in the moment, feelings can be so strong, decisions can feel so enormous? I don't really like admitting the other half of my stories sometimes, especially on our blog. Our friend Jami would strongly applaud the sharing of the other half. Being indecisive, it is hard for me to decide what to share at times, what would be interesting, what we will want to remember some day, what to allow others to see of our lives. I guess what I am praying that I learn right now is something I was reading the other day, that I should behave or make decisions as I would wish I had when I am 80.... which "in the moment" is not always the easiest to do. Working with 80 year olds three days a week makes it a little easier to picture what I hope I turn out like if the Lord chooses to let me see 80. Guess I just wanted to share a little glimpse of my thoughts with you.

Kearney trip

There is an event that happens every year called the Kearney trip. My husband gets together with his college buddies, and they have a blast. I am rounding out my last few hours of the Kearney weekend, Matt is on his way back as we speak. I have enjoyed this time with Ruby - I tried to take pictures of her crawling and standing to share, but she is pretty much on the move most of the time, and it's a little difficult to get a non-blurry picture. So I posted these instead. I am pretty excited for her to see her daddy and vice versa. Because as you can tell from these pictures, they have an awfully good time together. He is pretty gifted when it comes to entertaining her. And me. We sometimes get to meet him for lunch at Chick-fil-a, and it is a highlight of everyone's day. I asked Matt to be serious for one picture, but it just kept getting less so:) I told him that Ruby will not have a "normal" picture of them together when she gets older. He does not seemed too concerned. And I think she will love the pictures just the same, maybe even more.

Summer so far....

I have been procrastinating blogging. Because the longer I go between posts, the more it overwhelms me to think about what to say. Do I summarize the last month? Or just say what is most relevant to me today? Do I include pictures? Since when did blogging become something to which feelings of obligation, or guilt, or duty were attached? So, since I have a little time while the Rubster sleeps, I felt like what I could handle today was bulleting....

• Ruby's occupational therapy appointment went well. We are on the right track from that standpoint. Still continue to work on figuring out this whole solid food thing for my daughter. And feel pretty clueless at times. But I thank God that Ruby likes Stonyfield Organic Vanilla Whole Fat yogurt. It is the little victories..... Also, her favorite activity right now is cruising around on the furniture, albeit a little unsteadily, and it's pretty darn cute.
• My husband is a treasure. Or a rock star. Or many other nice things I should say about him. He spent 11 hours outside on a Saturday two weeks ago to paint our house. In 90+ degree weather. And did not complain to me. And last night when my snoring (I only snore infrequently, when I am very very tired:) kept him from sleeping, he did not poke me until I woke up (which is what I do to him). I think he tried to wake me, and was unsuccessful because I was sleeping so hard. He simply moved out to the couch to try to get some sleep, poor guy. He allowed me to spend much time and energy preparing for a friend's baby shower this weekend, while he watched the little one. And my favorite thing about him these days, is that he helps me along - by this I mean, that when the comments I am making, or the things I am dwelling on, or the spinning in place starts happening, he gives me that little boost to move on. Sometimes I do not welcome it at the time. But I am so very thankful he loves me enough to do it.
• And lastly, for today, wanted to share about our friends' new adventure: our friends are adopting from Ethiopia and need to raise another $625 in the next week to reach their first goal. They're doing a fundraiser here - http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/07/puzzle-fundraiser-because-were-cool.html - sponsor a puzzle piece for $10 and help bring their small one home!" We love them, and we love their hearts, and we love that once a week Ruby gets to spend the day with Kelsey and Lila while I work, we are so very thankful for the Kautzis.
  

On the eve of more therapy.....

Tomorrow I get to be in a new role. I received physical therapy earlier this year for a fractured sternum. Now tomorrow, Matt and I are taking Ruby for a feeding evaluation with an occupational therapist. We get the opportunity to have someone sit down with us and talk and observe our little one eating, and I am very thankful. Since we started cereal shortly after Ruby turned 4 months old, and the pediatrician gave us the go ahead, I have stressed about Ruby's eating. And since I learned my little one was in fact a little one, around this time last summer, I have stressed about her weight. So while both my husband and my daughter sleep, I am up just kind of thinking, anticipating, praying, hoping.
As you can tell from her pictures, Ruby looks healthy and happy. From a developmental standpoint, no concerns. She is learning to crawl (backwards right now, I love it! she bumps into things and it is so darn cute). She claps her hands. But she is not a solid foods girl. Yet - I should add. When people say, "Oh, there is no way, she'll end up heading off to college on a bottle," there is a small part of me that inwardly dies and wonders, "What if they are wrong?" Irrational, I know, but honest.
So I have played out scenarios in my head, when the kind OT working with us tomorrow gives us her input - she may say I have a strong-willed daughter. She may say that once we start finger foods, Ruby may do much better. She may say that we need to change some things.
But as I am typing, I am realizing one thing she is not going to say, but I have been saying to myself for the last five months, and I will preface it by acknowledging that it is one big fat lie, but when you believe those lies, they sound like truth - "Kathleen, since you are fundamentally flawed, of course you have managed to figure out a way to keep Ruby from getting the nourishment she needs." I know, I already wrote that this statement is a lie, but when it's floating around in my head, or when we sit down together as a family and spend a meal trying to encourage Ruby to open her mouth for a bite of apples, it sounds true. Not easy admitting on a blog (that I am not sure who reads) that I believe at times that I am fundamentally flawed, but I know it affects me and those two sleeping dear ones of mine. Do we all believe that? I don't know - not something I have really asked others before....
And I have also realized for awhile now, that I don't mind telling other people I will pray for them, and I am willing to even pray some pretty outrageous, radical things for others. But when it comes to my own requests to God, be they simple or otherwise, I balk. I don't know how to pray about Ruby learning how to eat. I am afraid to ask God for something and be disappointed because it may lead me to add evidence to another lie that he does not care about me. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. So, on the eve of occupational therapy, I wanted to pray:

Father, thank you that you are a Father - you know what it is like to be a parent. Thank you for being the one who formed Ruby inside me, who perfectly knit her together. Who perfectly knit me together. I acknowledge that you are good. And you are loving. And you do not mind me praying about this evaluation tomorrow, in fact, you are delighted that I want to talk to you. Will you remind me that Ruby is your child? That you hold all things together, and you are making all things new? I have been praying almost daily for her since she was born that she would receive EACH DAY the nourishment she needs to grow strong, so do not let me doubt that you have heard that prayer and are answering it. Forgive me for believing lies that you do not care. Please give our OT insight into how she/we can help Ruby best. Please show me how to introduce foods that my daughter will enjoy eating. Please protect her from choking on the ones that are hard for her to eat right now. And please help me remember that she is her own person, that she may do things in her own time line, that she has been entrusted to us by you, for this time, to care for - ultimately, she is yours. Help me trust you and believe your love for Ruby, and your love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Father's Day

Well, I am a little early on the Father's Day wishes. But in a rare moment of by-myself-ness, I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Matt Totsch. I am debating whether what I will say would be better off in a card, what is my need to share this with any one who may be reading? I'm not totally sure. I guess I just want you to know this about him - I want to publicly acknowledge the gift that is my husband and Ruby's dad. Ruby Totsch is blessed with one incredible daddy. He will make her laugh so hard someday that milk will come out of her nose. He will teach her so much, how to correctly drill a hole in a wall (something that her mom does not know how to do and is banned from attempting:) ; he will teach her that spicy food is delicious; he will teach her not to press control-alt-delete on the computer ten times in a row to get it to unfreeze since this accomplishes nothing; he will teach her how to be generous; and one of my favorites is that he will teach her what it looks like to have faith in the goodness of God. I feel like I need to retype that. One of my favorite things about Matt is how he believes that God is faithful and good, and reminds me of those true things. And Matt himself, in trying to live out his beliefs, is teaching Ruby and me what it looks like to be faithful.
This is a favorite moment from the past year - one week old Ruby decides she does not want to go to sleep for what seemed like hours one early early morning (or late late night).... so Matt lets his daughter fall asleep on him, so his wife can get a break. And makes the most of the situation by continuing in his at-the-time ongoing quest to defeat Angry Birds. That's how I would describe you, Matt, you make the most of every situation. Happy Father's Day!
Love,
Wifey

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson

I have some shout outs today.

Thank you, Jami Nato, for the wonderful pictures of our family including the ones you see here today. www.thenatos.blogspot.com

Above is a picture of one of Matt's favorite things to do with Ruby; we call it "helicoptering." I'm not sure who loves it more, Matt or Ruby. And when I see him do this, or give her a bottle, or cuddle her close even though he is not a cuddler by nature, or think back to when she was first born and we were in the hospital, and he was so proud of her, and happy, and would sing the chorus to "Ruby Soho" to her over and over (thank you, Rancid, for giving my husband a song he could sing unashamedly to his daughter)..... I am reminded of something Marilynne Robinson wrote in her book, Gilead. I can't find the exact quote right now, and the character who spoke it was a man, so hence the paraphrasing to fit my need for words:

I never thought I'd see a [husband] of mine doting on a child of mine.

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson, for putting into words what I feel on a daily basis.

I have been enjoying looking back at old journals lately, when I am about to fall asleep at night. (After all, there was a time in my life when there was no such thing as blogging or even e-mail, and we used to write things down with pen and paper. Can't wait to tell Ruby someday that I used to sit in computer class in middle school and make a little "turtle" move around on the screen. Anyone else remember that?) The journal I am reading right now is from when Matt and I first started dating. I remember not being sure what to think of Matt. By this, I mean - nobody had ever wanted to get to know me the way he did. Nobody had ever treated me as well as he did. Nobody had ever looked to put my best interests first like he did. And I remember being afraid to trust Matt and his interest in me because no one had ever proven trustworthy before. And we have laughed reading about and remembering how I still wasn't totally sure we were actually dating, not realizing that Matt was already starting to consider marriage. I had trouble enjoying my relationship with him at first because I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Not that my husband is perfect, or our relationship has been perfect; not that I was treated very terribly before Matt - forgive me if my simple comparison makes an experience of another seem more painful. But the way Matt came into my life compared to any experience with dating before that can best be explained by my daughter's Bible....

I need to go back first and tell you about this Bible -

A present from our friend Kelsey at one of our baby showers. (That is not my hand - and a shout out to Courtney Perkins, for more wonderful pictures). I like to read this book to Ruby, and I cry sometimes because the way it shares the story of Jesus is beautiful. While I was reading the story in this Bible about the book of Revelation to my daughter (pretty crazy that a children's bible would tackle such stuff; also note that I read it to her more for my enjoyment at this point than hers), I read a statement that again helped me put into words what I think at times. The context is a man named John, a friend of Jesus, writing about the future, a dream that he believed, and I believe will one day come true -

And [John] knew, in some mysterious way that would be hard to explain, that everything was going to be more wonderful for once having been so sad.

And I started crying because I have seen this to be true in my life. My relationship with Matt is more wonderful because there were times before I met him when I was extremely sad and did not believe anyone would ever love me well.

And I even go on to believe that not only is this statement true in this example, but that it will be true in each of our individual experiences of sadness, as horrible as some of them may have been, but also on a universal, history of the world level. I wanted to share these things for some reason because it is easy to forget how special a husband is at times when a sternum has healed, and no major catastrophes are looming. It is also easy to forget when that sternum had not yet healed, and there do seem to be major catastrophes that things are" going to be more wonderful for having been so sad". And there are areas of life where we are waiting still to see this become true.

Thank you, Jesus Storybook Bible, for showing me a little more truth to turn to - to be thankful for what God has done in my life so far, and to by His grace, turn to whenever sadness seems more present than hope.