Extended time in the Denver airport, a job change and n/v

There is not much barbecue being eaten around here these days.

There is a lot to remember from February this year. An interesting month for sure. We got to go to Denver for a weekend to celebrate Matt's cousin's wedding. On the way back, we had a change of plans. From a 1.5 hour plane ride to KC, we ended up with a 10.5 hour car ride. We still don't know exactly what happened. But it involved 3 waits in line before our not-so-kind ticket agent explained that we had missed the window to check in for our plane. She said that my in-laws could stay with the bags and hope to catch the next flight, and Matt, Ruby and I could try to make it on the 10:16am flight to KC. We did our best. We endured the typical security routine when traveling with a little one (which included stroller, car seat, car seat base, etc.). I tried to console our 16 month old, tired daughter who just wanted to walk around and did not want to be carried around the airport. I cried on the tram ride to the gate, in exhaustion, stress, and not understanding how this was happening. I actually sobbed uncontrollably in front of a car full of people. And Matt did as he always does and handled this all well. And at 10:14am, as we arrived at the gate, the woman behind the podium informed us that we had missed the flight by 8 minutes. She told us to go wait in the customer service line. The customer service representative told us that we would now be placed on stand-by on any future flights that day to KC, with all flights being full, and she reported, even overbooked. She said that if we did not fly out that day, which she did not anticipate we would, we would get to pay $150 a person to fly the next day if we got on a flight. Matt and I did not handle this news well. I no longer plan to fly this airline that had very little help or compassion to offer traveling parents. I have still not figured out exactly what I will take from this experience. Instead of playing the roulette of all-day standby with a little one (does this sound like a good idea to anyone?), my gracious, patient in-laws rented a mini-van and drove with us back to KC. Ruby was sad at times during the trip, but we made it. I will always try to remember this experience when I see other parents traveling with young children.

Thank you for letting me get that out, I needed it.

We also had an eventful situation arise with Matt's job. We found out a few weeks ago that he was being let go from his current job as of March 2nd due to company restructuring and downsizing. He has been at his current job for 5 years, and while all jobs have their challenges, we have been very thankful for this position, for his coworkers and boss, and for how God has provided for us. In an amazing week thereafter, Matt was able to interview, receive a job offer, and accept a position at another company, where he will start Monday March 5th. That's right, no lag time. And while I also feel like I have not exactly figured out what I will take from this, I have thought frequently about the gratitude we have felt the last few weeks.

And finally, and maybe too early to be sharing, maybe not the way I want the information to spread exactly, but it wouldn't be a true blog of what February has been like this year, if I did not include the update that we are expecting our second child (so yes, all of the above events included the factor of me pregnant:) We are excited, we are scared, we are thankful. And as I started with, there has not been much barbecue eaten around here. Because as the title of this post indicates, there has been quite a bit of "n/v" or nausea/vomiting as it is commonly abbreviated medically. I now understand that in my first pregnancy, I was very spoiled to not have to deal with hardly any of that. So this is a new experience for me; and it has kind of overshadowed any other abilities to think past that immediate need of not getting sick. Matt has rocked it, only getting scolded by me for unknowingly making himself a meat sandwich of some kind that I insisted smelled horrible, and required us opening windows to cold February air. Ruby has done well, although I miss feeling like I am keeping up with her. And I am thankful that n/v is a sign of a healthy pregnancy. And I am also thankful that I now know what other women are experiencing when they describe their first trimester. Because although it has not been fun, I am praying that it gives me some sort of ability to sympathize in the future. That when a friend calls me wanting baked potato soup, but unable to go get it for herself, that as my friend Kelsey so willingly did the other week, I will give up my own afternoon plans, load my little one(s) in the car, and help her out because I KNOW.

I think this is what I am beginning to wonder about blogging. I gave up reading blogs for a week in February (mostly), just to kind of take a break. And I realized that instead of comparisons made while reading blogs, that God could use blogs to help develop an ability to comfort. Is that weird? Or putting too much pressure on a blog? I don't think so. Because in reading what other friends are learning, whether in the small or the gigantic, I think I am learning that they deal with similar troubles. That they have similar joys. And that if we are all not going through the exact same thing now, which we are not, down the road, I may be able to have something worthwhile to say to you if your family experiences a job loss. Or you may have something worthwhile to say to me about this n/v. So there you have it. I hope the above is understood to be offered with hands that intend to be kind, non-judgmental and above all, thankful that friends care about our family. Love you guys.

All quiet on this front....

Well sort of, Ruby is talking herself to sleep... or squawking. I think two blog posts in one week last time just did me in:) so maybe that is to explain for the hiatus.... Whatever it may be, just felt like I needed to be quiet for awhile. We are still hoping for our house to be ready in the not-so-distant future to go on the market. Which in its current state after a half morning of playing hard seems fairly unreal. Its been somewhat sleepless around here too - for some reason, I am up for two or three hours at night. And when one of us is up, it seems like everybody joins in. I was thinking about some of the things that I would miss about this house if we move, including watching my husband tip toe like a spy or ballerina (I wanted to just write "ballerina" but thought he would appreciate the inclusion of something a little more manly like a "spy") across our creaky-in-every-spot wood floors at night so as not to wake Ruby - it is an art, my friends.

We were driving the other night, just talking, the three of us, and as I put some Burt's Bees on my wintery lips and added a dab to Ruby's lip to make her smile, I casually mentioned to Matt that I had recently done the exact same thing but instead of Burt's Bees landing on Ruby's lip, it landed on her tongue. Which caused me to wonder if there was a warning label on the Burt's Bees saying to contact poison control if this product was accidentally ingested. But instead of looking for such a label, which would be too sensible, I proceeded to put a dab on my tongue as well to make sure that my daughter was going to be OK. I am not sure where the logic was in this, but even as I type it, I realize that I would do the same thing again. Burt's Bees does taste minty, but not very pleasant in your mouth versus on your mouth, so I wouldn't really recommend trying this. Matt had a good laugh over this, and told me that I should be telling you about this incident in our blog. So I laughed and told him I would. All that to say, I still don't really know what my purpose is in blogging. Some people blog to help them remember things - I think this is a great reason to blog. And some blog to keep friends and family updated. And probably lots of other reasons too. But I am not sure why I blog. And I think more than anything, in a way that I am having trouble explaining, I am feeling like I need to follow this advice from John Eldredge - "You have one life to live, it would be best to live your own."

4 years

(Photo courtesy of Jami Nato - thenatos.blogspot.com

4 years ago, the weather was not unlike today (not quite as warm, but then again I was wearing a strapless dress). I was in between semesters of my 2nd year of PT school. I had known Matt for a little over 14 months. We had dated for 6 of those months, before being engaged for 4 months. We said "I do."

On the side of our fridge hangs a quote by Leo Tolstoy: "The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage, but to bring more love and truth into the world. We marry to assist each other in this task."

I am privileged to be around people every week who have celebrated 50, 60, even 70 years of marriage. When I think of 4 years, it seems so insignificant in comparison. But it is not. It is very significant. Thank you, Matt, for this gift!

Greetings, January

I am sitting here sipping on my hot chocolate that I attempted to make from memory a la Pioneer Woman's recipe. But I was holding Ruby in one arm, and feeling guilty that while I made delicious hot chocolate for myself, I had no intention of sharing it with her. (I know that it would be bad parenting to offer my daughter hot chocolate, but the irrational thought in my head for one minute was related to how wonderful this mug would be, and that she did not get any). So after my tangent, I want to let you know that the hot chocolate that I am sipping on got the wrong quantities because I was distracted and one-arm-ing it, with double the chocolate chips than I was supposed to put in. I couldn't sleep the other night after drinking a cup of this hot chocolate due to all the sugar running through my veins.

I could write all about our holidays. Or I could get a jump on things by writing about our upcoming anniversary on Thursday (but I am HOPING to blog about it on said day - and I am doing as I always do, and not keeping my surprise (or not really a surprise, just a blog post, but I prefer to think that two posts from me in one week would be a surprise!) I perhaps should not have told you that I will blog, because as someone once instructed me, "High standards, low expectations." And telling you I might post again this week could create unrealistic expectations around here:)

I don't have anything too deep or memorable to say this date. Except, "welcome, January." I honestly had been dreading you - thinking back to the last two winters with all the snow and bad weather we had. Remembering last year's car accident. I am instead, if not standing here with open arms, I feel like at least, offering open hands. To January and to 2012. Looking forward to what's ahead.

Hodgepodge

A multitude of things are on my mind, so it's time to share. It's been a while since my last post, which was about our departed (my parents house, not dead) crazy dog, Tiki, who tried to steal my biscuits and gravy before our Kearney trip. One of the Kearney Boyz, Piz, asked if this would be one of those blogs that would become stale and die soon. I assured them that it probably would. Although, my wife, who often surprises me (choosing Tiki as our dog) has proved me wrong. This is good as I thoroughly enjoy reading her post, even though, like many or few of you I do not comment on them. I did, however, promise to post before Christmas, well better late than never is my motto (of which I have many).

Podge 1
You may notice that Kathleen and I use parentheses a lot (we love them). Why? Not really sure, I view them as tiny tangents, rabbit trails (I think it should be rabbit tales (sounds more fun)). Sometimes they give the reader a better understanding of what we are talking about or a way for a fun distraction. Also, they are used frequently in coding (computer programming) for passing variables (values or objects). So I feel more at home when I use them. Do others of you have a favorite symbol(s)? Kathleen is not a fan of the exclamation mark! Which gives me all the more reason to use them for those of you who know how my personality works (pushing the boundaries). Who knew punctuation held such emotion?!

Podge 2
Husbandry and the art of fathertry has become a coveted skill as of late. We are in process of getting our house on the market and I've knocked out most of the things on the list that Kathleen and I put together. However, it hasn't been without stress, anguish and wet socks. My last project, a few days ago, was re-hooking up the plumbing to our kitchen faucet after our granite was installed. Needless to say I soaked our basement with water because I couldn't find plumbers tape, and used plumbers putty instead. At this time my beautiful and understanding wife was camping out at my parents till my dad and I squared up water to our house again. I'm sure that I haven't juggled my tasks and taking care of the Wifey and Ruber as well as I would like, but they have been awesome. Every simple task has taken it's tole and we are of the opinion that spiritual warfare is alive and well in our house and community. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We hope to move to KCK sooner rather than later to more effectively work with Mission Adelante as we minister to our Bhutanese Refugee friends, but it's all in God's timing.

Podge 3
While fear appears to be caused by things around us, it's not, it's very much internal. When I laid in bed as a wee lad and looked in my monster filled closet, I was sure they were real. Now those monsters still exist, but have come out of the closet and meet me in my daily life. One of my friends at work has been a huge help when it comes to solving my IT woes. We get along well as we have similar interests, he loves wood working even more than I do, and has used it to bless others. Once he told me that he had a big decision to make, but he already knew the answer. He was afraid of the pain it would cause. Could he handle it? Was there a another way? So he stayed up all night in anguish. In the end he made the right decision as he always did. I'm glad he did, because really he was the only one who could have gone to the cross for my short-comings, my sins. What if fear had won and Jesus decided to not go to the cross, where we would be? I'm grateful for him, hope I see him tomorrow in myself and the people I encounter as he IS the celebration.

Peace and Love my friends, The Totsch Fam

It's coming on Christmas....

I wanted to share what we've been up to lately; I am sharing it all at once, instead of more frequent little bits. Just how things are these days:) Christmas for the Totsch family this year with a fourteen month old has included some adjustments. We switched from our regular tree to this little beauty who conveniently sits out of reach.

All of our decorations are actually out of reach this year. In this next picture, you'll notice our Advent cards in the background a la Ann Voskamp, hung in the entryway to our kitchen. I also want to point out with a mixture of thankfulness and pride some other things - in preparation for getting our house ready to put on the market hopefully this spring, Matt has been hard at work. New paint in the kitchen, new appliances, a new light over our dining table that was not an easy install. He has been pushing hard to get these things done, and I appreciate his willingness to give time and energy to keep moving us in the direction we believe God is leading.

The Rubster is expanding her vocabulary.... it now consists of "daddy", "mama", "nonni" (grandma), "vovó" (grandma), "ti-ti" (which is "Tiki" which actually applies to many dogs right now), "baby", "go" and probably Ruby's favorite, and pictured here: "no".

Just wanted to post a picture of my little cutie complete with runny nose and happy heart. You will notice the end table in the background does in fact have towels over it. The combination of concrete top and sharp corners was too much for me with a not-so-steady little one. Our friends Andy and Val brought up the suggestion of bubble wrap last night jokingly - I actually don't think it's a bad idea:)

This next picture was taken with camera phone, hence its quality but it contains an important object I don't want to forget. The large pink object on the right side is pink puppy, and he is a girl's best friend. Despite his lack of one ear, he is proving himself to be invaluable both to Ruby and her parents. When we need a distractor, all we have to ask is "Where is pink puppy?" and off she toddles in search of her beloved friend.

Ruby and I had fun on a recent day off when I got to relive a little of my own Christmas memories from growing up with a viewing of "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street." Produced in 1978, I have fond memories of watching this one with my brothers. I was searching for it on Netflix a few weeks ago to be sure it was still around, and I was appalled to see that not only was it not listed at all, but had been replaced by "Elmo saves Christmas." (Ruby does not know about Elmo yet, so maybe in a few years, if he has replaced pink puppy as a favorite, perhaps I will not be so disgusted.) Anyway, I was relieved to find that Target had not forgotten "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street", and we got to have a fun time together viewing it. Matt does not really seem to understand the amazingness of this movie, but indulged me with semi-watching as well. We will be celebrating Totsch-style later this week by watching Muppet Christmas Carol, which I agree with him does not have the cheese-factor of Sesame Street Christmas, but it also doesn't include awesome sideburns or Cookie Monster eating a telephone.


Aside from when our friend Isaac was first born, I do not have a great picture of Isaac and Ruby together. This is as close as I have come. These next two pictures were taken at a party last week to celebrate the end of the trimester for ESL students and the members of the kids and teens clubs and their families, who are part of the community of Bhutanese refugees. It has been two years since we first got to meet some of these families, and we have been very thankful for their friendship.



Ruby pictured here with her Advent calendar. We are, I think, beginning to see a bit of sassiness coming out in our daughter....


Date night: We were intending to use our livingsocial coupon to go to Skies for one last time prior to its closing at the end of November. Skies is where Matt took me on our first date and where he proposed to me, so it's a special place in my heart. Maybe it worked for the best (I might have been a little sad) that we unknowingly tried to go on the night of the Mayor's tree lighting down at Crown Center. The wait list for Skies exceeded the time we thought we could hold off eating, so we had some yummy Fritz's and enjoyed a little Christmas concert afterwards. Thankful to have the opportunity to do this!


(Disclaimer - this last little attachment is beautiful, but it is moving especially to anyone with a heart for adoption, and depending on when you are reading this, or how you are doing, I would hate to send you here without a little heads up). And lastly, I wanted to share a link to a song that my friend included in a recent blog post. My words may fail me to explain why I wanted to share this - when I asked Matt, he said "Why not?" (For which I love him). The song says that "we celebrate His perfect gift of love", and I believe what I have posted above is all part of our attempt to celebrate this perfect gift. But we realize that all is not perfect in the world, nor is all perfect in our own lives or the lives of our friends. May I not ignore that and "yet rejoice in the Lord, and be joyful in God my Savior." The truth and reality of day-to-day life for every person walking this earth in hurt, confusion, heartache or trouble mixed with the truth and reality of our God, who calls himself a Redeemer, a Restorer. Who sets the lonely in families. I am sharing this video because Philippians 4:8 says whatever is "true... right.... lovely", think on these things, and I believe this story to be all of those.
In case I don't blog again for awhile (which given my track record), there is a good chance:) Merry Christmas to you, thanks for being part of our 2011, and a happy and blessed new year.
love,
the Totsch family

Courage

Photo courtesy of Jenae Weinbrenner: www.imijfoto.com

The picture really doesn't have a lot to do with my post today, except that I love it. I love my daughter, I love that she likes to pull the bows out when I put them in.

So sitting down just now after work, feeling a little disheartened by a day when I don't feel like I was a very good PT, I was blessed with a little time to myself since Ruby fell asleep on the way home....

And reading a few friends' blogs, I was struck by the thought that I am so impressed with this idea of "courage" that I am seeing in people's lives all over the place. Courage to adopt. Courage to wait to adopt. Courage to wait for a baby. Courage to be a good mom. Courage to love. Courage to celebrate the holidays.

And I have nothing big to say, other than that I needed to think just now about what my friends are teaching me about having courage. It did my heart good to read and watch and listen and observe. And realize that when I was reading Acts 4 yesterday, the title of the section I was reading was called, "The Believers Pray for Courage." So I think I will too pray for courage for these girls, these friends, these moms, these families choosing to persevere, and to hope. I love seeing their courage. I will pray for courage for myself too. Sometimes, though it may not seem like much to you, I forget that I am, in fact, demonstrating courage - courage every time I drive to work in sub-32 degree weather. Courage to laugh with my daughter when I am a little sad inside. Courage to blog. Courage to keep being real and vulnerable with our community and friends, even when I feel like they will like me less. Courage to tell Matt that I am going to keep trying to figure out this thing of loving him well, when there are days I know how much I have fallen short of it.

I have been trying to think about how to prepare for Christmas, how to celebrate Advent - what I want that to look like for our family, for Ruby. Maybe my focus this year will be thinking about courage. If you feel so inclined, what about reading the story with me of the birth of Jesus with an eye willing to look for courage? Would love to discuss this with anyone who wants to. It usually takes me awhile to sort my thoughts and share them, so that's all I have to say about that for now:) Just thought I would invite you into my own seeking.