On the eve of more therapy.....

Tomorrow I get to be in a new role. I received physical therapy earlier this year for a fractured sternum. Now tomorrow, Matt and I are taking Ruby for a feeding evaluation with an occupational therapist. We get the opportunity to have someone sit down with us and talk and observe our little one eating, and I am very thankful. Since we started cereal shortly after Ruby turned 4 months old, and the pediatrician gave us the go ahead, I have stressed about Ruby's eating. And since I learned my little one was in fact a little one, around this time last summer, I have stressed about her weight. So while both my husband and my daughter sleep, I am up just kind of thinking, anticipating, praying, hoping.
As you can tell from her pictures, Ruby looks healthy and happy. From a developmental standpoint, no concerns. She is learning to crawl (backwards right now, I love it! she bumps into things and it is so darn cute). She claps her hands. But she is not a solid foods girl. Yet - I should add. When people say, "Oh, there is no way, she'll end up heading off to college on a bottle," there is a small part of me that inwardly dies and wonders, "What if they are wrong?" Irrational, I know, but honest.
So I have played out scenarios in my head, when the kind OT working with us tomorrow gives us her input - she may say I have a strong-willed daughter. She may say that once we start finger foods, Ruby may do much better. She may say that we need to change some things.
But as I am typing, I am realizing one thing she is not going to say, but I have been saying to myself for the last five months, and I will preface it by acknowledging that it is one big fat lie, but when you believe those lies, they sound like truth - "Kathleen, since you are fundamentally flawed, of course you have managed to figure out a way to keep Ruby from getting the nourishment she needs." I know, I already wrote that this statement is a lie, but when it's floating around in my head, or when we sit down together as a family and spend a meal trying to encourage Ruby to open her mouth for a bite of apples, it sounds true. Not easy admitting on a blog (that I am not sure who reads) that I believe at times that I am fundamentally flawed, but I know it affects me and those two sleeping dear ones of mine. Do we all believe that? I don't know - not something I have really asked others before....
And I have also realized for awhile now, that I don't mind telling other people I will pray for them, and I am willing to even pray some pretty outrageous, radical things for others. But when it comes to my own requests to God, be they simple or otherwise, I balk. I don't know how to pray about Ruby learning how to eat. I am afraid to ask God for something and be disappointed because it may lead me to add evidence to another lie that he does not care about me. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. So, on the eve of occupational therapy, I wanted to pray:

Father, thank you that you are a Father - you know what it is like to be a parent. Thank you for being the one who formed Ruby inside me, who perfectly knit her together. Who perfectly knit me together. I acknowledge that you are good. And you are loving. And you do not mind me praying about this evaluation tomorrow, in fact, you are delighted that I want to talk to you. Will you remind me that Ruby is your child? That you hold all things together, and you are making all things new? I have been praying almost daily for her since she was born that she would receive EACH DAY the nourishment she needs to grow strong, so do not let me doubt that you have heard that prayer and are answering it. Forgive me for believing lies that you do not care. Please give our OT insight into how she/we can help Ruby best. Please show me how to introduce foods that my daughter will enjoy eating. Please protect her from choking on the ones that are hard for her to eat right now. And please help me remember that she is her own person, that she may do things in her own time line, that she has been entrusted to us by you, for this time, to care for - ultimately, she is yours. Help me trust you and believe your love for Ruby, and your love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Father's Day

Well, I am a little early on the Father's Day wishes. But in a rare moment of by-myself-ness, I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Matt Totsch. I am debating whether what I will say would be better off in a card, what is my need to share this with any one who may be reading? I'm not totally sure. I guess I just want you to know this about him - I want to publicly acknowledge the gift that is my husband and Ruby's dad. Ruby Totsch is blessed with one incredible daddy. He will make her laugh so hard someday that milk will come out of her nose. He will teach her so much, how to correctly drill a hole in a wall (something that her mom does not know how to do and is banned from attempting:) ; he will teach her that spicy food is delicious; he will teach her not to press control-alt-delete on the computer ten times in a row to get it to unfreeze since this accomplishes nothing; he will teach her how to be generous; and one of my favorites is that he will teach her what it looks like to have faith in the goodness of God. I feel like I need to retype that. One of my favorite things about Matt is how he believes that God is faithful and good, and reminds me of those true things. And Matt himself, in trying to live out his beliefs, is teaching Ruby and me what it looks like to be faithful.
This is a favorite moment from the past year - one week old Ruby decides she does not want to go to sleep for what seemed like hours one early early morning (or late late night).... so Matt lets his daughter fall asleep on him, so his wife can get a break. And makes the most of the situation by continuing in his at-the-time ongoing quest to defeat Angry Birds. That's how I would describe you, Matt, you make the most of every situation. Happy Father's Day!
Love,
Wifey

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson

I have some shout outs today.

Thank you, Jami Nato, for the wonderful pictures of our family including the ones you see here today. www.thenatos.blogspot.com

Above is a picture of one of Matt's favorite things to do with Ruby; we call it "helicoptering." I'm not sure who loves it more, Matt or Ruby. And when I see him do this, or give her a bottle, or cuddle her close even though he is not a cuddler by nature, or think back to when she was first born and we were in the hospital, and he was so proud of her, and happy, and would sing the chorus to "Ruby Soho" to her over and over (thank you, Rancid, for giving my husband a song he could sing unashamedly to his daughter)..... I am reminded of something Marilynne Robinson wrote in her book, Gilead. I can't find the exact quote right now, and the character who spoke it was a man, so hence the paraphrasing to fit my need for words:

I never thought I'd see a [husband] of mine doting on a child of mine.

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson, for putting into words what I feel on a daily basis.

I have been enjoying looking back at old journals lately, when I am about to fall asleep at night. (After all, there was a time in my life when there was no such thing as blogging or even e-mail, and we used to write things down with pen and paper. Can't wait to tell Ruby someday that I used to sit in computer class in middle school and make a little "turtle" move around on the screen. Anyone else remember that?) The journal I am reading right now is from when Matt and I first started dating. I remember not being sure what to think of Matt. By this, I mean - nobody had ever wanted to get to know me the way he did. Nobody had ever treated me as well as he did. Nobody had ever looked to put my best interests first like he did. And I remember being afraid to trust Matt and his interest in me because no one had ever proven trustworthy before. And we have laughed reading about and remembering how I still wasn't totally sure we were actually dating, not realizing that Matt was already starting to consider marriage. I had trouble enjoying my relationship with him at first because I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Not that my husband is perfect, or our relationship has been perfect; not that I was treated very terribly before Matt - forgive me if my simple comparison makes an experience of another seem more painful. But the way Matt came into my life compared to any experience with dating before that can best be explained by my daughter's Bible....

I need to go back first and tell you about this Bible -

A present from our friend Kelsey at one of our baby showers. (That is not my hand - and a shout out to Courtney Perkins, for more wonderful pictures). I like to read this book to Ruby, and I cry sometimes because the way it shares the story of Jesus is beautiful. While I was reading the story in this Bible about the book of Revelation to my daughter (pretty crazy that a children's bible would tackle such stuff; also note that I read it to her more for my enjoyment at this point than hers), I read a statement that again helped me put into words what I think at times. The context is a man named John, a friend of Jesus, writing about the future, a dream that he believed, and I believe will one day come true -

And [John] knew, in some mysterious way that would be hard to explain, that everything was going to be more wonderful for once having been so sad.

And I started crying because I have seen this to be true in my life. My relationship with Matt is more wonderful because there were times before I met him when I was extremely sad and did not believe anyone would ever love me well.

And I even go on to believe that not only is this statement true in this example, but that it will be true in each of our individual experiences of sadness, as horrible as some of them may have been, but also on a universal, history of the world level. I wanted to share these things for some reason because it is easy to forget how special a husband is at times when a sternum has healed, and no major catastrophes are looming. It is also easy to forget when that sternum had not yet healed, and there do seem to be major catastrophes that things are" going to be more wonderful for having been so sad". And there are areas of life where we are waiting still to see this become true.

Thank you, Jesus Storybook Bible, for showing me a little more truth to turn to - to be thankful for what God has done in my life so far, and to by His grace, turn to whenever sadness seems more present than hope.

Empty buildings

I have felt this way for awhile - I don't like empty buildings. I told Matt they make me sad. What I mean is that when I see a row of stores at Prairie Village sitting empty, or the former Wild Oats store on Johnson drive, or a half-filled strip mall out south, while a new one is being built 50 feet away (sorry construction industry), I get sad. I wish we could use what we already have.

I have been hearing good news of friends who are thinking about or even preparing to move down to Kansas City, KS. To homes and streets that need to be filled. I have a few thoughts that go along with this -

1. It makes sense. I love that about God, that He makes sense - that is one of the things that first deepened my desire to know God. Not that He always makes sense, but to me, if He cares for the fatherless and the refugee and the broken, then He would care for Kansas City, KS. And He would want His people to care as well. The church community that we are a part of has clung to a passage in Isaiah 61 as a guide for who Christ is and what He wants to do - that He wants to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom and release from darkness..... to go on with those verses, those very same people who are broken and captive and prisoners (meaning us in our ongoing need to have Jesus carrying out His mission in our own hearts) - we become "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS splendor.... to rebuild the "places long devastated," .... to become "restorers of streets with dwellings." Wow. And our hope and belief is that when He plants us, by His power and His Spirit, He will in turn help others to learn these things about Him.

2. It is humbling to write it here, but I have seen my pride rear itself as I hear stories of people moving. Because it is something Matt and I have considered. And unfortunately, as my friend Kelsey and I have discussed, I have (as do most of us?) this desire to do "something different, something unique" - not to go along with the crowd. Is this part of our generation? It sounds silly but I admit that I have even felt this way as I have heard that the name "Ruby" is not as unique these days as Matt and I thought it would be. But did we really pick it to be different? Or did we pick it because it is a beautiful name for our beautiful daughter? So when I hear of other friends moving to KCK, I confess that I think about what if we were to move there (IF) and people would think we were just following the crowd? So it seems there is some work to be done in my heart:)

3. Which leads me to my last observation - which should probably be my first. All I can say for sure right now is that Matt and I have been feeling like we need to start getting our house ready in case we want to sell it at some point. To my planning, control-loving self, this feels very safe - I can explain to myself that home improvement can take as long as we want, that this may go on for years (probably not, but I'm just trying to make small steps here). We put in new windows that actually open which has been really nice (our former ones didn't). We hope to paint the outside soon - it will be sad to be rid of the orange door of course. We don't know where or when we will move. But we want to be ready. Actually one of us does know where he wants to move - the other one needs some convincing from the Lord. But you might just point me back to my own post today. And the fact that I don't like empty buildings. And my husband loves home improvement projects. And we want to follow God where He is leading us, in His timing.

Newark airport

Matt and Ruby and I got to go visit my mom in New Jersey this past week to celebrate her birthday. Through some weather related events, we got to spend a significant amount of time in the Newark airport on Saturday and Sunday. At one point, we were just hanging out in the food court, passing time, and watching it rain outside. It was pretty fun to sit there the three of us hanging out, with the airplanes going and coming, and being able to just enjoy waiting.

While we were sitting there, a girl who works in this food court sat down to take her lunch break. She looked over at us several times and smiled (I was holding Ruby at this point while she slept and while Matt was off exploring). She commented on the cuteness of our baby. Sometimes I get really shy when strangers start talking to me, especially if it's about Ruby. For some reason though, I wanted to talk with her because she was sitting all by herself eating her lunch. I hate seeing people all by themselves eating (although sometimes they want to be). But in this case, she seemed like she would enjoy just having someone to pass the time with.

We talked about a lot in the space of ten minutes. I learned that she moved from Morocco about four months ago. That she works a 2-10pm shift most days of the week, while her husband works a 5am-2pm shift. That she is paying a crazy amount of money in rent every month because that's what happens in New Jersey. That she wants to go to school for nursing, but is not sure how to manage classes plus working full time.

Then I started learning some more as I feel like she opened up more. She told me how she had met her husband; it was a few days before their wedding that they met, and from my limited understanding it sounded like their fathers had coordinated this. She almost seemed apologetic or even ashamed about this, and I felt so much compassion and almost ashamed in return that she could feel judged by me about her decision. Not to make any kind of statement to stir controversy, or to downplay a woman's rights, or any of that - but I wanted to tell her that I thought it was pretty amazing how she honored her family's customs. That I believe that in marriage, there must at some point be a decision made to love (a book by Gary Smalley by that title really has shaped my thinking about this), and that I believe that seems pretty cool that she and her husband were agreeing to do that from the start. I don't know why, but this conversation has just come back over and over in my mind. To wonder how she thought I perceived her decisions in this area and if she has faced judgment from others regarding her story.

And the other part of our conversation that I cannot let go of is when she asked me - "Is it this hard for everyone?" I think meaning, this living, working, trying to make ends meet, trying to get to know others, trying to figure out life here in the United States - "is it this hard for everyone?" I didn't know what to say. I said I think that for many people it is not easy. But I didn't know what else to say. And her lunch break ended, and I didn't think to ask for her email, or to tell her that I would pray for her. I unfortunately cannot remember how to spell or say her name. But I want to pray for her. Through involvement at Mission Adelante in the last year, my heart has been stirred for people who have moved to our country and now is even more drawn to pray for this girl and her husband learning to live in New Jersey without family nearby or much of a support network. I want to tell you guys about her, and write about our conversation because I don't want to forget about it. I don't want to forget to pray. I am not sure exactly what to pray even. I hope it's OK to tell her story here - I hope that she would not mind it as I think I walked away impacted far more than she may ever have guessed. May the Lord direct our hearts into his love and Christ's perseverance.

Six months and spring.....

Ruby will be six months old on Thursday. What? I almost started tearing up earlier thinking about the day she was born, after learning of my friend Jennifer's new baby girl Rachel Anne who arrived on Friday (which also made cry). Reminded me how amazing to hear the doctor say "It's a girl." How awesome it was to hold my baby for the first time.

Since I've last posted, I have no idea where time has gone, not sure I can remember what we've been up to, let alone recount it here. I am able to say that I completed my own physical therapy last week and am thankful for the experience and thankful to be done:) To think that I make elderly people exercise like that..... makes me feel even wimpier than I already did. But I also know how they feel now that I feel like I am stronger, and can carry my daughter in her car seat ( a major goal post-accident). Today was my first attempt at doing errands with Ruby again. Thankful for the kind Hen House employee who helped us to the car with our groceries (so I can make this! http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/main-courses/chicken-souvlaki-pita-with-tzatziki/?print=1#) super excited to try it - a good friend also recently posted a tzatziki recipe on her blog - maybe it's time to be adventurous?). I just need to ask that there be no judging that I shopped at Hen House today - I didn't like doing it necessarily, but it felt manageable, and some days that is what I need. I wanted to shop somewhere more diverse, more reasonable price-wise, but some days Prairie Village Hen House can be a blessing.

I also had an encounter with the well-meaning voting volunteer lady who told me to just plop that car seat up on the table in front of her where she would watch my daughter for me while I voted. I did so, and stood about ten feet away attempting to focus on voting, while really thinking to myself, "I just left my daughter with a stranger"; it doesn't matter that this is Fairway, KS, and the volunteer looks like someone's sweet grandma, and Ruby was 10 feet away. I then proceeded to speed through voting in order to go rescue my daughter, and I am not really sure I voted for who I meant to vote for - but at least I attempted! I give myself a pat on the back for making the effort.

The cheeks are still here. Ruby, some day are you going to hate that your daddy and I loved your cheeks so much? Because they are one of my favorite things about you. I just have to share. I used to hate when my parents would talk about my enormous baby cheeks - I can understand both sides now.

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings. Almost as much as I love Friday nights. The whole weekend ahead. Matt and I typically trade off who gets up early with Ruby - today was my turn. (The tricky part is when we can't remember whose turn it is to get up, and I turn to Matt half awake and ask "Do you want to help her?" which actually can be interpreted as "I want you to help her." I am trying to get better at this whole communication thing).

Ruby usually falls back asleep pretty quickly, and voila! Time to blog. And drink chai, and wait for my husband to wake up. (I have to clarify the "voila" - it was a little bit tongue in cheek. Also because I love words that sound different than they look). Once Matt wakes up, we usually watch the past week's episode of "Parks and Rec", and I get to hear my husband laugh which he loves to do, and I love to hear. (If you have not watched Parks and Rec before, go to nbc.com, and pull up Season Three. Or if you are blessed with Netflix, I would recommend starting with Season Two, better character development).

I just put Ruby back to bed - another "first" this week, Ruby's first cold. Here's the thing about you, Ruby - you're congested, and coughing, and wake yourself up because you can't breathe very well, and there's mucus everywhere. But you have been happy (for the most part, except when we use the dreaded nose-suction-blue-bulb-what-do-I-call-it-thing on you). So that would make me believe that you must not be too sick. But the part of me that is beginning to feel like I know you really well thinks that you have been blessed with your daddy's optimistic disposition, and that cold or no cold, it's a new day, and you've got things to put in your mouth and bottles to drink and both your parents home and what's not to love about all of that? (I am also realizing that many of the pictures that I post of Ruby are of her in her Bumbo seat.... I will come back to this).



The other thing that I am learning about you Ruby is that you, my love, are a fighter - let me explain. When I do put that dreaded blue-bulb-suctiony thing (in my mind, I am being reminded of the scene in Elf where Buddy calls the mail room delivery tube "very sucky", so I am laughing to myself and thinking that would be a good word to use too). OK - when I put that up to your nose to try to get it clear (sorry for the description if this is gross to hear about my daughter's runny nose), you arch back and complain and make it oh so clear that you want nothing to do with that. And when your daddy has the task of cleaning your nose, or when he is observing me do it, either way, he cheers you on and says, "Yeah, fight it, Ruby" - which is odd that he would say this when it is his turn, but still.... I think he's on to something. I am not sure that I can pin point it, but I think that God has given you a spirit that is not going to be easily squelched. Also something you have inherited from your daddy. I can't wait to get to know this side of you better.

I am learning things too. Or maybe rediscovering them. That I love language and words, and sometimes wish I had been a linguistics major in college. That I love using parentheses to clarify what I am saying, which might make reading some of my paragraphs a little more challenging, but at least you know what I am trying to say. That I love telling you why the pictures I post turn out the way they do - that I want to learn how to take better pictures, or edit them or something. (See Robin in previous post. See dark picture of Ruby up above). Getting back to my Bumbo pictures, it's because when I try to take pictures of Ruby sitting anywhere else, it gets tricky holding her with one hand, and trying to take the picture with the other. Here is Ruby playing with some of the presents my thoughtful college friends sent her/me - yes, there is a peppermint patty in the picture but no I did not let her eat it. Or smoosh it even since I want to eat it. Picture taken with me trying to prop her up with one hand while she leans forward to try to put her mouth on these cherished objects. And I am still thinking about the last six weeks since the accident. And not ready to think about me returning to work on Monday. And you have woken up, I can hear you in your room, and I can't wait to go get you.