Thank you, Marilynne Robinson

I have some shout outs today.

Thank you, Jami Nato, for the wonderful pictures of our family including the ones you see here today. www.thenatos.blogspot.com

Above is a picture of one of Matt's favorite things to do with Ruby; we call it "helicoptering." I'm not sure who loves it more, Matt or Ruby. And when I see him do this, or give her a bottle, or cuddle her close even though he is not a cuddler by nature, or think back to when she was first born and we were in the hospital, and he was so proud of her, and happy, and would sing the chorus to "Ruby Soho" to her over and over (thank you, Rancid, for giving my husband a song he could sing unashamedly to his daughter)..... I am reminded of something Marilynne Robinson wrote in her book, Gilead. I can't find the exact quote right now, and the character who spoke it was a man, so hence the paraphrasing to fit my need for words:

I never thought I'd see a [husband] of mine doting on a child of mine.

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson, for putting into words what I feel on a daily basis.

I have been enjoying looking back at old journals lately, when I am about to fall asleep at night. (After all, there was a time in my life when there was no such thing as blogging or even e-mail, and we used to write things down with pen and paper. Can't wait to tell Ruby someday that I used to sit in computer class in middle school and make a little "turtle" move around on the screen. Anyone else remember that?) The journal I am reading right now is from when Matt and I first started dating. I remember not being sure what to think of Matt. By this, I mean - nobody had ever wanted to get to know me the way he did. Nobody had ever treated me as well as he did. Nobody had ever looked to put my best interests first like he did. And I remember being afraid to trust Matt and his interest in me because no one had ever proven trustworthy before. And we have laughed reading about and remembering how I still wasn't totally sure we were actually dating, not realizing that Matt was already starting to consider marriage. I had trouble enjoying my relationship with him at first because I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Not that my husband is perfect, or our relationship has been perfect; not that I was treated very terribly before Matt - forgive me if my simple comparison makes an experience of another seem more painful. But the way Matt came into my life compared to any experience with dating before that can best be explained by my daughter's Bible....

I need to go back first and tell you about this Bible -

A present from our friend Kelsey at one of our baby showers. (That is not my hand - and a shout out to Courtney Perkins, for more wonderful pictures). I like to read this book to Ruby, and I cry sometimes because the way it shares the story of Jesus is beautiful. While I was reading the story in this Bible about the book of Revelation to my daughter (pretty crazy that a children's bible would tackle such stuff; also note that I read it to her more for my enjoyment at this point than hers), I read a statement that again helped me put into words what I think at times. The context is a man named John, a friend of Jesus, writing about the future, a dream that he believed, and I believe will one day come true -

And [John] knew, in some mysterious way that would be hard to explain, that everything was going to be more wonderful for once having been so sad.

And I started crying because I have seen this to be true in my life. My relationship with Matt is more wonderful because there were times before I met him when I was extremely sad and did not believe anyone would ever love me well.

And I even go on to believe that not only is this statement true in this example, but that it will be true in each of our individual experiences of sadness, as horrible as some of them may have been, but also on a universal, history of the world level. I wanted to share these things for some reason because it is easy to forget how special a husband is at times when a sternum has healed, and no major catastrophes are looming. It is also easy to forget when that sternum had not yet healed, and there do seem to be major catastrophes that things are" going to be more wonderful for having been so sad". And there are areas of life where we are waiting still to see this become true.

Thank you, Jesus Storybook Bible, for showing me a little more truth to turn to - to be thankful for what God has done in my life so far, and to by His grace, turn to whenever sadness seems more present than hope.

Empty buildings

I have felt this way for awhile - I don't like empty buildings. I told Matt they make me sad. What I mean is that when I see a row of stores at Prairie Village sitting empty, or the former Wild Oats store on Johnson drive, or a half-filled strip mall out south, while a new one is being built 50 feet away (sorry construction industry), I get sad. I wish we could use what we already have.

I have been hearing good news of friends who are thinking about or even preparing to move down to Kansas City, KS. To homes and streets that need to be filled. I have a few thoughts that go along with this -

1. It makes sense. I love that about God, that He makes sense - that is one of the things that first deepened my desire to know God. Not that He always makes sense, but to me, if He cares for the fatherless and the refugee and the broken, then He would care for Kansas City, KS. And He would want His people to care as well. The church community that we are a part of has clung to a passage in Isaiah 61 as a guide for who Christ is and what He wants to do - that He wants to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom and release from darkness..... to go on with those verses, those very same people who are broken and captive and prisoners (meaning us in our ongoing need to have Jesus carrying out His mission in our own hearts) - we become "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS splendor.... to rebuild the "places long devastated," .... to become "restorers of streets with dwellings." Wow. And our hope and belief is that when He plants us, by His power and His Spirit, He will in turn help others to learn these things about Him.

2. It is humbling to write it here, but I have seen my pride rear itself as I hear stories of people moving. Because it is something Matt and I have considered. And unfortunately, as my friend Kelsey and I have discussed, I have (as do most of us?) this desire to do "something different, something unique" - not to go along with the crowd. Is this part of our generation? It sounds silly but I admit that I have even felt this way as I have heard that the name "Ruby" is not as unique these days as Matt and I thought it would be. But did we really pick it to be different? Or did we pick it because it is a beautiful name for our beautiful daughter? So when I hear of other friends moving to KCK, I confess that I think about what if we were to move there (IF) and people would think we were just following the crowd? So it seems there is some work to be done in my heart:)

3. Which leads me to my last observation - which should probably be my first. All I can say for sure right now is that Matt and I have been feeling like we need to start getting our house ready in case we want to sell it at some point. To my planning, control-loving self, this feels very safe - I can explain to myself that home improvement can take as long as we want, that this may go on for years (probably not, but I'm just trying to make small steps here). We put in new windows that actually open which has been really nice (our former ones didn't). We hope to paint the outside soon - it will be sad to be rid of the orange door of course. We don't know where or when we will move. But we want to be ready. Actually one of us does know where he wants to move - the other one needs some convincing from the Lord. But you might just point me back to my own post today. And the fact that I don't like empty buildings. And my husband loves home improvement projects. And we want to follow God where He is leading us, in His timing.

Newark airport

Matt and Ruby and I got to go visit my mom in New Jersey this past week to celebrate her birthday. Through some weather related events, we got to spend a significant amount of time in the Newark airport on Saturday and Sunday. At one point, we were just hanging out in the food court, passing time, and watching it rain outside. It was pretty fun to sit there the three of us hanging out, with the airplanes going and coming, and being able to just enjoy waiting.

While we were sitting there, a girl who works in this food court sat down to take her lunch break. She looked over at us several times and smiled (I was holding Ruby at this point while she slept and while Matt was off exploring). She commented on the cuteness of our baby. Sometimes I get really shy when strangers start talking to me, especially if it's about Ruby. For some reason though, I wanted to talk with her because she was sitting all by herself eating her lunch. I hate seeing people all by themselves eating (although sometimes they want to be). But in this case, she seemed like she would enjoy just having someone to pass the time with.

We talked about a lot in the space of ten minutes. I learned that she moved from Morocco about four months ago. That she works a 2-10pm shift most days of the week, while her husband works a 5am-2pm shift. That she is paying a crazy amount of money in rent every month because that's what happens in New Jersey. That she wants to go to school for nursing, but is not sure how to manage classes plus working full time.

Then I started learning some more as I feel like she opened up more. She told me how she had met her husband; it was a few days before their wedding that they met, and from my limited understanding it sounded like their fathers had coordinated this. She almost seemed apologetic or even ashamed about this, and I felt so much compassion and almost ashamed in return that she could feel judged by me about her decision. Not to make any kind of statement to stir controversy, or to downplay a woman's rights, or any of that - but I wanted to tell her that I thought it was pretty amazing how she honored her family's customs. That I believe that in marriage, there must at some point be a decision made to love (a book by Gary Smalley by that title really has shaped my thinking about this), and that I believe that seems pretty cool that she and her husband were agreeing to do that from the start. I don't know why, but this conversation has just come back over and over in my mind. To wonder how she thought I perceived her decisions in this area and if she has faced judgment from others regarding her story.

And the other part of our conversation that I cannot let go of is when she asked me - "Is it this hard for everyone?" I think meaning, this living, working, trying to make ends meet, trying to get to know others, trying to figure out life here in the United States - "is it this hard for everyone?" I didn't know what to say. I said I think that for many people it is not easy. But I didn't know what else to say. And her lunch break ended, and I didn't think to ask for her email, or to tell her that I would pray for her. I unfortunately cannot remember how to spell or say her name. But I want to pray for her. Through involvement at Mission Adelante in the last year, my heart has been stirred for people who have moved to our country and now is even more drawn to pray for this girl and her husband learning to live in New Jersey without family nearby or much of a support network. I want to tell you guys about her, and write about our conversation because I don't want to forget about it. I don't want to forget to pray. I am not sure exactly what to pray even. I hope it's OK to tell her story here - I hope that she would not mind it as I think I walked away impacted far more than she may ever have guessed. May the Lord direct our hearts into his love and Christ's perseverance.

Six months and spring.....

Ruby will be six months old on Thursday. What? I almost started tearing up earlier thinking about the day she was born, after learning of my friend Jennifer's new baby girl Rachel Anne who arrived on Friday (which also made cry). Reminded me how amazing to hear the doctor say "It's a girl." How awesome it was to hold my baby for the first time.

Since I've last posted, I have no idea where time has gone, not sure I can remember what we've been up to, let alone recount it here. I am able to say that I completed my own physical therapy last week and am thankful for the experience and thankful to be done:) To think that I make elderly people exercise like that..... makes me feel even wimpier than I already did. But I also know how they feel now that I feel like I am stronger, and can carry my daughter in her car seat ( a major goal post-accident). Today was my first attempt at doing errands with Ruby again. Thankful for the kind Hen House employee who helped us to the car with our groceries (so I can make this! http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/main-courses/chicken-souvlaki-pita-with-tzatziki/?print=1#) super excited to try it - a good friend also recently posted a tzatziki recipe on her blog - maybe it's time to be adventurous?). I just need to ask that there be no judging that I shopped at Hen House today - I didn't like doing it necessarily, but it felt manageable, and some days that is what I need. I wanted to shop somewhere more diverse, more reasonable price-wise, but some days Prairie Village Hen House can be a blessing.

I also had an encounter with the well-meaning voting volunteer lady who told me to just plop that car seat up on the table in front of her where she would watch my daughter for me while I voted. I did so, and stood about ten feet away attempting to focus on voting, while really thinking to myself, "I just left my daughter with a stranger"; it doesn't matter that this is Fairway, KS, and the volunteer looks like someone's sweet grandma, and Ruby was 10 feet away. I then proceeded to speed through voting in order to go rescue my daughter, and I am not really sure I voted for who I meant to vote for - but at least I attempted! I give myself a pat on the back for making the effort.

The cheeks are still here. Ruby, some day are you going to hate that your daddy and I loved your cheeks so much? Because they are one of my favorite things about you. I just have to share. I used to hate when my parents would talk about my enormous baby cheeks - I can understand both sides now.

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings. Almost as much as I love Friday nights. The whole weekend ahead. Matt and I typically trade off who gets up early with Ruby - today was my turn. (The tricky part is when we can't remember whose turn it is to get up, and I turn to Matt half awake and ask "Do you want to help her?" which actually can be interpreted as "I want you to help her." I am trying to get better at this whole communication thing).

Ruby usually falls back asleep pretty quickly, and voila! Time to blog. And drink chai, and wait for my husband to wake up. (I have to clarify the "voila" - it was a little bit tongue in cheek. Also because I love words that sound different than they look). Once Matt wakes up, we usually watch the past week's episode of "Parks and Rec", and I get to hear my husband laugh which he loves to do, and I love to hear. (If you have not watched Parks and Rec before, go to nbc.com, and pull up Season Three. Or if you are blessed with Netflix, I would recommend starting with Season Two, better character development).

I just put Ruby back to bed - another "first" this week, Ruby's first cold. Here's the thing about you, Ruby - you're congested, and coughing, and wake yourself up because you can't breathe very well, and there's mucus everywhere. But you have been happy (for the most part, except when we use the dreaded nose-suction-blue-bulb-what-do-I-call-it-thing on you). So that would make me believe that you must not be too sick. But the part of me that is beginning to feel like I know you really well thinks that you have been blessed with your daddy's optimistic disposition, and that cold or no cold, it's a new day, and you've got things to put in your mouth and bottles to drink and both your parents home and what's not to love about all of that? (I am also realizing that many of the pictures that I post of Ruby are of her in her Bumbo seat.... I will come back to this).



The other thing that I am learning about you Ruby is that you, my love, are a fighter - let me explain. When I do put that dreaded blue-bulb-suctiony thing (in my mind, I am being reminded of the scene in Elf where Buddy calls the mail room delivery tube "very sucky", so I am laughing to myself and thinking that would be a good word to use too). OK - when I put that up to your nose to try to get it clear (sorry for the description if this is gross to hear about my daughter's runny nose), you arch back and complain and make it oh so clear that you want nothing to do with that. And when your daddy has the task of cleaning your nose, or when he is observing me do it, either way, he cheers you on and says, "Yeah, fight it, Ruby" - which is odd that he would say this when it is his turn, but still.... I think he's on to something. I am not sure that I can pin point it, but I think that God has given you a spirit that is not going to be easily squelched. Also something you have inherited from your daddy. I can't wait to get to know this side of you better.

I am learning things too. Or maybe rediscovering them. That I love language and words, and sometimes wish I had been a linguistics major in college. That I love using parentheses to clarify what I am saying, which might make reading some of my paragraphs a little more challenging, but at least you know what I am trying to say. That I love telling you why the pictures I post turn out the way they do - that I want to learn how to take better pictures, or edit them or something. (See Robin in previous post. See dark picture of Ruby up above). Getting back to my Bumbo pictures, it's because when I try to take pictures of Ruby sitting anywhere else, it gets tricky holding her with one hand, and trying to take the picture with the other. Here is Ruby playing with some of the presents my thoughtful college friends sent her/me - yes, there is a peppermint patty in the picture but no I did not let her eat it. Or smoosh it even since I want to eat it. Picture taken with me trying to prop her up with one hand while she leans forward to try to put her mouth on these cherished objects. And I am still thinking about the last six weeks since the accident. And not ready to think about me returning to work on Monday. And you have woken up, I can hear you in your room, and I can't wait to go get you.

Round robin

It has been a blessing to have this extra time around you Ruby the last few weeks while I am healing. (And praise God I am able to carry you again!)

I have recently realized how amazing I think your hands are. You are getting really good at using them. Look at those little chubby dimpled fingers. We read together, and you are starting to like to touch the books (and put them in your mouth). I love watching you open your mouth and start moving towards your target, ready to explore everything - instead of you bringing things up to your mouth, you bend over to bring your mouth to your next object of interest. Often, it is your daddy's nose for some reason.

I love how opinionated you are becoming. And talking (or singing? we can't tell)..... sometimes protesting. Sometimes just reminding us while we are in the car that you are there.

Today is the first day I am attempting to stay home with you by myself and take care of you without help. I still haven't driven since the accident - and sure am not going to try it today with the snow/ice we got last night. But my heart is thankful that I am able to do this today, be here with you. That it is beautiful outside even if we are tired of the snow.

I had told two friends recently that before the accident, I would get pretty lonely staying home with you. Not that you are not a great conversationalist and all, but I missed interacting with other people as well. And I worried that I wasn't doing a good job as a mom. I think I have started to learn two things during this experience - that I need to ask for help as a mom, that we weren't meant to just sit in our houses and tough it out by ourselves in loneliness or anxiety or just not knowing how to start cereal because you are still spitting it out after multiple attempts. So my friend Jami encouraged me to acknowledge the loneliness.

And my friend Kerri inadvertantly encouraged me to add some structure to my days while I am home with you (inadvertant because she does not know that I follow her blog - what Jami would define as blog stalking:).... I used to feel guilty for not constantly giving you my undivided attention, fearing that you would grow up poorly adjusted and feeling unloved and insecure. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but to borrow a Kanakuk-ism, the four square life sounds about right. Based off Jesus' example in the book of Luke, we are to grow in wisdom, stature, favor with God, and favor with man. So I want to spend a little time each day with the Lord. A little time connecting or re-connecting with friends. A little time working out (somehow? - can't wait to start taking you on walks when the weather warms up, Ruby). And to keep filling that brain up - I have been kind of surprised lately some of the physical therapy questions friends have asked that I can't really remember much of an answer for. And exciting in itself - I start PT next week. I make people do exercises every day, but I have never been through the process myself. I feel like God is going to use this whole experience to make me a better therapist.

I guess there's one more thing too that I am learning - for some reason today, I have been really enjoying watching the birds land on the branches outside our house. I know this picture does not do it justice - but this robin is literally as round as a baseball. And it's the end of February. And I would think that at this point in the winter, the robins wouldn't be looking so well-fed. I would expect a little more leanness. So, as always when I see the birds outside, I think about how our heavenly Father knows what we need - how we are not to worry about our life because as God makes sure the birds are taken care of, he will do the same for us.

Rice cereal

We got the go ahead from our pediatrician now that Ruby is four months old to try feedings, so I just wanted to share our first attempt from this weekend. I wasn't sure if we would jump right in or not, but she was sitting in her seat watching me eat my orange yesterday and seemed fairly interested. So we broke out the rice cereal, made it nice and soupy, and got to enjoy another "first" in Ruby's life. I love this picture because of my daughter's sweet little chunky cheeks, hope you do too. Happy Valentine's Day!