Newark airport

Matt and Ruby and I got to go visit my mom in New Jersey this past week to celebrate her birthday. Through some weather related events, we got to spend a significant amount of time in the Newark airport on Saturday and Sunday. At one point, we were just hanging out in the food court, passing time, and watching it rain outside. It was pretty fun to sit there the three of us hanging out, with the airplanes going and coming, and being able to just enjoy waiting.

While we were sitting there, a girl who works in this food court sat down to take her lunch break. She looked over at us several times and smiled (I was holding Ruby at this point while she slept and while Matt was off exploring). She commented on the cuteness of our baby. Sometimes I get really shy when strangers start talking to me, especially if it's about Ruby. For some reason though, I wanted to talk with her because she was sitting all by herself eating her lunch. I hate seeing people all by themselves eating (although sometimes they want to be). But in this case, she seemed like she would enjoy just having someone to pass the time with.

We talked about a lot in the space of ten minutes. I learned that she moved from Morocco about four months ago. That she works a 2-10pm shift most days of the week, while her husband works a 5am-2pm shift. That she is paying a crazy amount of money in rent every month because that's what happens in New Jersey. That she wants to go to school for nursing, but is not sure how to manage classes plus working full time.

Then I started learning some more as I feel like she opened up more. She told me how she had met her husband; it was a few days before their wedding that they met, and from my limited understanding it sounded like their fathers had coordinated this. She almost seemed apologetic or even ashamed about this, and I felt so much compassion and almost ashamed in return that she could feel judged by me about her decision. Not to make any kind of statement to stir controversy, or to downplay a woman's rights, or any of that - but I wanted to tell her that I thought it was pretty amazing how she honored her family's customs. That I believe that in marriage, there must at some point be a decision made to love (a book by Gary Smalley by that title really has shaped my thinking about this), and that I believe that seems pretty cool that she and her husband were agreeing to do that from the start. I don't know why, but this conversation has just come back over and over in my mind. To wonder how she thought I perceived her decisions in this area and if she has faced judgment from others regarding her story.

And the other part of our conversation that I cannot let go of is when she asked me - "Is it this hard for everyone?" I think meaning, this living, working, trying to make ends meet, trying to get to know others, trying to figure out life here in the United States - "is it this hard for everyone?" I didn't know what to say. I said I think that for many people it is not easy. But I didn't know what else to say. And her lunch break ended, and I didn't think to ask for her email, or to tell her that I would pray for her. I unfortunately cannot remember how to spell or say her name. But I want to pray for her. Through involvement at Mission Adelante in the last year, my heart has been stirred for people who have moved to our country and now is even more drawn to pray for this girl and her husband learning to live in New Jersey without family nearby or much of a support network. I want to tell you guys about her, and write about our conversation because I don't want to forget about it. I don't want to forget to pray. I am not sure exactly what to pray even. I hope it's OK to tell her story here - I hope that she would not mind it as I think I walked away impacted far more than she may ever have guessed. May the Lord direct our hearts into his love and Christ's perseverance.

Six months and spring.....

Ruby will be six months old on Thursday. What? I almost started tearing up earlier thinking about the day she was born, after learning of my friend Jennifer's new baby girl Rachel Anne who arrived on Friday (which also made cry). Reminded me how amazing to hear the doctor say "It's a girl." How awesome it was to hold my baby for the first time.

Since I've last posted, I have no idea where time has gone, not sure I can remember what we've been up to, let alone recount it here. I am able to say that I completed my own physical therapy last week and am thankful for the experience and thankful to be done:) To think that I make elderly people exercise like that..... makes me feel even wimpier than I already did. But I also know how they feel now that I feel like I am stronger, and can carry my daughter in her car seat ( a major goal post-accident). Today was my first attempt at doing errands with Ruby again. Thankful for the kind Hen House employee who helped us to the car with our groceries (so I can make this! http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/main-courses/chicken-souvlaki-pita-with-tzatziki/?print=1#) super excited to try it - a good friend also recently posted a tzatziki recipe on her blog - maybe it's time to be adventurous?). I just need to ask that there be no judging that I shopped at Hen House today - I didn't like doing it necessarily, but it felt manageable, and some days that is what I need. I wanted to shop somewhere more diverse, more reasonable price-wise, but some days Prairie Village Hen House can be a blessing.

I also had an encounter with the well-meaning voting volunteer lady who told me to just plop that car seat up on the table in front of her where she would watch my daughter for me while I voted. I did so, and stood about ten feet away attempting to focus on voting, while really thinking to myself, "I just left my daughter with a stranger"; it doesn't matter that this is Fairway, KS, and the volunteer looks like someone's sweet grandma, and Ruby was 10 feet away. I then proceeded to speed through voting in order to go rescue my daughter, and I am not really sure I voted for who I meant to vote for - but at least I attempted! I give myself a pat on the back for making the effort.

The cheeks are still here. Ruby, some day are you going to hate that your daddy and I loved your cheeks so much? Because they are one of my favorite things about you. I just have to share. I used to hate when my parents would talk about my enormous baby cheeks - I can understand both sides now.

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings. Almost as much as I love Friday nights. The whole weekend ahead. Matt and I typically trade off who gets up early with Ruby - today was my turn. (The tricky part is when we can't remember whose turn it is to get up, and I turn to Matt half awake and ask "Do you want to help her?" which actually can be interpreted as "I want you to help her." I am trying to get better at this whole communication thing).

Ruby usually falls back asleep pretty quickly, and voila! Time to blog. And drink chai, and wait for my husband to wake up. (I have to clarify the "voila" - it was a little bit tongue in cheek. Also because I love words that sound different than they look). Once Matt wakes up, we usually watch the past week's episode of "Parks and Rec", and I get to hear my husband laugh which he loves to do, and I love to hear. (If you have not watched Parks and Rec before, go to nbc.com, and pull up Season Three. Or if you are blessed with Netflix, I would recommend starting with Season Two, better character development).

I just put Ruby back to bed - another "first" this week, Ruby's first cold. Here's the thing about you, Ruby - you're congested, and coughing, and wake yourself up because you can't breathe very well, and there's mucus everywhere. But you have been happy (for the most part, except when we use the dreaded nose-suction-blue-bulb-what-do-I-call-it-thing on you). So that would make me believe that you must not be too sick. But the part of me that is beginning to feel like I know you really well thinks that you have been blessed with your daddy's optimistic disposition, and that cold or no cold, it's a new day, and you've got things to put in your mouth and bottles to drink and both your parents home and what's not to love about all of that? (I am also realizing that many of the pictures that I post of Ruby are of her in her Bumbo seat.... I will come back to this).



The other thing that I am learning about you Ruby is that you, my love, are a fighter - let me explain. When I do put that dreaded blue-bulb-suctiony thing (in my mind, I am being reminded of the scene in Elf where Buddy calls the mail room delivery tube "very sucky", so I am laughing to myself and thinking that would be a good word to use too). OK - when I put that up to your nose to try to get it clear (sorry for the description if this is gross to hear about my daughter's runny nose), you arch back and complain and make it oh so clear that you want nothing to do with that. And when your daddy has the task of cleaning your nose, or when he is observing me do it, either way, he cheers you on and says, "Yeah, fight it, Ruby" - which is odd that he would say this when it is his turn, but still.... I think he's on to something. I am not sure that I can pin point it, but I think that God has given you a spirit that is not going to be easily squelched. Also something you have inherited from your daddy. I can't wait to get to know this side of you better.

I am learning things too. Or maybe rediscovering them. That I love language and words, and sometimes wish I had been a linguistics major in college. That I love using parentheses to clarify what I am saying, which might make reading some of my paragraphs a little more challenging, but at least you know what I am trying to say. That I love telling you why the pictures I post turn out the way they do - that I want to learn how to take better pictures, or edit them or something. (See Robin in previous post. See dark picture of Ruby up above). Getting back to my Bumbo pictures, it's because when I try to take pictures of Ruby sitting anywhere else, it gets tricky holding her with one hand, and trying to take the picture with the other. Here is Ruby playing with some of the presents my thoughtful college friends sent her/me - yes, there is a peppermint patty in the picture but no I did not let her eat it. Or smoosh it even since I want to eat it. Picture taken with me trying to prop her up with one hand while she leans forward to try to put her mouth on these cherished objects. And I am still thinking about the last six weeks since the accident. And not ready to think about me returning to work on Monday. And you have woken up, I can hear you in your room, and I can't wait to go get you.

Round robin

It has been a blessing to have this extra time around you Ruby the last few weeks while I am healing. (And praise God I am able to carry you again!)

I have recently realized how amazing I think your hands are. You are getting really good at using them. Look at those little chubby dimpled fingers. We read together, and you are starting to like to touch the books (and put them in your mouth). I love watching you open your mouth and start moving towards your target, ready to explore everything - instead of you bringing things up to your mouth, you bend over to bring your mouth to your next object of interest. Often, it is your daddy's nose for some reason.

I love how opinionated you are becoming. And talking (or singing? we can't tell)..... sometimes protesting. Sometimes just reminding us while we are in the car that you are there.

Today is the first day I am attempting to stay home with you by myself and take care of you without help. I still haven't driven since the accident - and sure am not going to try it today with the snow/ice we got last night. But my heart is thankful that I am able to do this today, be here with you. That it is beautiful outside even if we are tired of the snow.

I had told two friends recently that before the accident, I would get pretty lonely staying home with you. Not that you are not a great conversationalist and all, but I missed interacting with other people as well. And I worried that I wasn't doing a good job as a mom. I think I have started to learn two things during this experience - that I need to ask for help as a mom, that we weren't meant to just sit in our houses and tough it out by ourselves in loneliness or anxiety or just not knowing how to start cereal because you are still spitting it out after multiple attempts. So my friend Jami encouraged me to acknowledge the loneliness.

And my friend Kerri inadvertantly encouraged me to add some structure to my days while I am home with you (inadvertant because she does not know that I follow her blog - what Jami would define as blog stalking:).... I used to feel guilty for not constantly giving you my undivided attention, fearing that you would grow up poorly adjusted and feeling unloved and insecure. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but to borrow a Kanakuk-ism, the four square life sounds about right. Based off Jesus' example in the book of Luke, we are to grow in wisdom, stature, favor with God, and favor with man. So I want to spend a little time each day with the Lord. A little time connecting or re-connecting with friends. A little time working out (somehow? - can't wait to start taking you on walks when the weather warms up, Ruby). And to keep filling that brain up - I have been kind of surprised lately some of the physical therapy questions friends have asked that I can't really remember much of an answer for. And exciting in itself - I start PT next week. I make people do exercises every day, but I have never been through the process myself. I feel like God is going to use this whole experience to make me a better therapist.

I guess there's one more thing too that I am learning - for some reason today, I have been really enjoying watching the birds land on the branches outside our house. I know this picture does not do it justice - but this robin is literally as round as a baseball. And it's the end of February. And I would think that at this point in the winter, the robins wouldn't be looking so well-fed. I would expect a little more leanness. So, as always when I see the birds outside, I think about how our heavenly Father knows what we need - how we are not to worry about our life because as God makes sure the birds are taken care of, he will do the same for us.

Rice cereal

We got the go ahead from our pediatrician now that Ruby is four months old to try feedings, so I just wanted to share our first attempt from this weekend. I wasn't sure if we would jump right in or not, but she was sitting in her seat watching me eat my orange yesterday and seemed fairly interested. So we broke out the rice cereal, made it nice and soupy, and got to enjoy another "first" in Ruby's life. I love this picture because of my daughter's sweet little chunky cheeks, hope you do too. Happy Valentine's Day!

Our Anne Geddes baby

Not being able to hold Ruby lately has afforded me a chance to observe and document her life a little bit differently. A friend loaned us this Bumpo (Bumbo? can't remember) seat which has been a fun way to be at eye-level with my daughter. I love this picture because I consider it my version of an Anne Geddes picture, although my daughter is just near the flowers, as opposed to in the flowers. And you can tell by the surroundings, that we have not taken down all of our Christmas decorations yet (I kind of like having the Nativity scene out; and we may just leave the mistletoe up). I realized this morning that it makes me sad to feel like I am not able to make my home "home-like" right now by being able to straighten up, clean up, do laundry, etc. I am trying to understand that maybe I need a different understanding of making things home-like and being a "good mom" right now.

I have wondered what Ruby thinks of all of this change. It blessed me so much the other night to have her laying next to me on the couch, getting sleepy, listening to me sing to her, holding my hand.... she kind of just snuggled her head up next to me, and it made me one happy momma. I decided one of my jobs right now is to be taking pictures, video, and writing down her stories because those are on my list of "I can do's". So Ruby, I LOVE having you fall asleep next to me, the way you hold tight to our hands until your grip relaxes when you are really sleepy, the way you kick your way out of your swaddle because you don't like being wrapped up (even though you do), the way once your pacifier falls out you still look like your sucking on a pretend pacifier, the way you've been putting your hand on your head while you drink from a bottle, the way your cheeks almost weigh your head down because they are getting so full, and the way you so trustingly and peacefully sleep.

Ruby and the octopus....

(The ellipses continue)

This picture was taken last Thursday on one of my days off while the Rubster, the octopus and I were hanging out. I know it is sort of hard to tell what is so fascinating to Ruby in the picture, but it is in fact an octopus, and she likes to talk to him.

Friday, driving to work, I got in an accident. Without my daughter in the car, or husband, no one else involved, going less than 30 mph (at least, maybe even slower), wearing my seatbelt. But an accident nonetheless. That sent me spinning into first one side and then the other side (concrete) of an overpass. That scared the tar out of me. That set off my airbag. That tightened my seatbelt to the point of fracturing my sternum. That, praise God, only fractured my sternum, and like I said at the start of this paragraph, did not involve anyone else. That some wonderful people stopped quickly to help, to block traffic so I didn't get hit again, to call 911, to talk to me and keep me company until the ambulance arrived (I really did ask someone just to keep talking to me, that was what I needed most at that specific moment when I was cold and stuck in my car and couldn't move, with peanut butter pie all over the passenger seat).

So I have experienced some firsts since that moment in time. I believe that as a church community, we have been learning that such a moment would be defined as a "kairos" moment, or a moment that God will use to change things in my life, and as it turns out, in the lives around me (I will get to that). Among those firsts include my first ride in an ambulance, my first CT scan, my first broken bone. My first experience not being able to hug my husband when I wanted to, not being able to hold my daughter when I wanted to. My first time having my husband help me get in and out of bed, shower, put on socks. My first time having to dump out the milk I had pumped because of the pain killers I am taking. (The pillow on my chest in the picture is more just something I put there out of protection, I am not splinted or anything).

I am still sorting through thoughts and ideas and emotions and prayers, which may take a long time. For now, I can show you a little of what life has been like. God has been showing me what cheerful service looks like through Matt, who does not complain when I wake him up in the middle of the night to help me out of bed so I can use the bathroom. Who you can see here folding laundry for us. And God has been reminding me that He watches over Ruby. He cares for her and provides for her. I am having to think about not all the things I can't do, but all the things I can do, like have my daughter sit next to me on the couch and talk to her, or read to her. And I know everyone thinks their child is wonderful, but I really am amazed watching Ruby adapt to formula, adapt to new people holding her all day, adapt to her little world kind of being topsy turvy right now. I am sort of nervous to tell you all some of what I am learning, because some of what I am learning is how very selfish I am, how much I dislike not feeling in control, how prone I am to worry. But I believe that God will use this in my life to make me, and my husband, and my daughter more like him. More thoughts to come.