Round robin

It has been a blessing to have this extra time around you Ruby the last few weeks while I am healing. (And praise God I am able to carry you again!)

I have recently realized how amazing I think your hands are. You are getting really good at using them. Look at those little chubby dimpled fingers. We read together, and you are starting to like to touch the books (and put them in your mouth). I love watching you open your mouth and start moving towards your target, ready to explore everything - instead of you bringing things up to your mouth, you bend over to bring your mouth to your next object of interest. Often, it is your daddy's nose for some reason.

I love how opinionated you are becoming. And talking (or singing? we can't tell)..... sometimes protesting. Sometimes just reminding us while we are in the car that you are there.

Today is the first day I am attempting to stay home with you by myself and take care of you without help. I still haven't driven since the accident - and sure am not going to try it today with the snow/ice we got last night. But my heart is thankful that I am able to do this today, be here with you. That it is beautiful outside even if we are tired of the snow.

I had told two friends recently that before the accident, I would get pretty lonely staying home with you. Not that you are not a great conversationalist and all, but I missed interacting with other people as well. And I worried that I wasn't doing a good job as a mom. I think I have started to learn two things during this experience - that I need to ask for help as a mom, that we weren't meant to just sit in our houses and tough it out by ourselves in loneliness or anxiety or just not knowing how to start cereal because you are still spitting it out after multiple attempts. So my friend Jami encouraged me to acknowledge the loneliness.

And my friend Kerri inadvertantly encouraged me to add some structure to my days while I am home with you (inadvertant because she does not know that I follow her blog - what Jami would define as blog stalking:).... I used to feel guilty for not constantly giving you my undivided attention, fearing that you would grow up poorly adjusted and feeling unloved and insecure. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but to borrow a Kanakuk-ism, the four square life sounds about right. Based off Jesus' example in the book of Luke, we are to grow in wisdom, stature, favor with God, and favor with man. So I want to spend a little time each day with the Lord. A little time connecting or re-connecting with friends. A little time working out (somehow? - can't wait to start taking you on walks when the weather warms up, Ruby). And to keep filling that brain up - I have been kind of surprised lately some of the physical therapy questions friends have asked that I can't really remember much of an answer for. And exciting in itself - I start PT next week. I make people do exercises every day, but I have never been through the process myself. I feel like God is going to use this whole experience to make me a better therapist.

I guess there's one more thing too that I am learning - for some reason today, I have been really enjoying watching the birds land on the branches outside our house. I know this picture does not do it justice - but this robin is literally as round as a baseball. And it's the end of February. And I would think that at this point in the winter, the robins wouldn't be looking so well-fed. I would expect a little more leanness. So, as always when I see the birds outside, I think about how our heavenly Father knows what we need - how we are not to worry about our life because as God makes sure the birds are taken care of, he will do the same for us.

Rice cereal

We got the go ahead from our pediatrician now that Ruby is four months old to try feedings, so I just wanted to share our first attempt from this weekend. I wasn't sure if we would jump right in or not, but she was sitting in her seat watching me eat my orange yesterday and seemed fairly interested. So we broke out the rice cereal, made it nice and soupy, and got to enjoy another "first" in Ruby's life. I love this picture because of my daughter's sweet little chunky cheeks, hope you do too. Happy Valentine's Day!

Our Anne Geddes baby

Not being able to hold Ruby lately has afforded me a chance to observe and document her life a little bit differently. A friend loaned us this Bumpo (Bumbo? can't remember) seat which has been a fun way to be at eye-level with my daughter. I love this picture because I consider it my version of an Anne Geddes picture, although my daughter is just near the flowers, as opposed to in the flowers. And you can tell by the surroundings, that we have not taken down all of our Christmas decorations yet (I kind of like having the Nativity scene out; and we may just leave the mistletoe up). I realized this morning that it makes me sad to feel like I am not able to make my home "home-like" right now by being able to straighten up, clean up, do laundry, etc. I am trying to understand that maybe I need a different understanding of making things home-like and being a "good mom" right now.

I have wondered what Ruby thinks of all of this change. It blessed me so much the other night to have her laying next to me on the couch, getting sleepy, listening to me sing to her, holding my hand.... she kind of just snuggled her head up next to me, and it made me one happy momma. I decided one of my jobs right now is to be taking pictures, video, and writing down her stories because those are on my list of "I can do's". So Ruby, I LOVE having you fall asleep next to me, the way you hold tight to our hands until your grip relaxes when you are really sleepy, the way you kick your way out of your swaddle because you don't like being wrapped up (even though you do), the way once your pacifier falls out you still look like your sucking on a pretend pacifier, the way you've been putting your hand on your head while you drink from a bottle, the way your cheeks almost weigh your head down because they are getting so full, and the way you so trustingly and peacefully sleep.

Ruby and the octopus....

(The ellipses continue)

This picture was taken last Thursday on one of my days off while the Rubster, the octopus and I were hanging out. I know it is sort of hard to tell what is so fascinating to Ruby in the picture, but it is in fact an octopus, and she likes to talk to him.

Friday, driving to work, I got in an accident. Without my daughter in the car, or husband, no one else involved, going less than 30 mph (at least, maybe even slower), wearing my seatbelt. But an accident nonetheless. That sent me spinning into first one side and then the other side (concrete) of an overpass. That scared the tar out of me. That set off my airbag. That tightened my seatbelt to the point of fracturing my sternum. That, praise God, only fractured my sternum, and like I said at the start of this paragraph, did not involve anyone else. That some wonderful people stopped quickly to help, to block traffic so I didn't get hit again, to call 911, to talk to me and keep me company until the ambulance arrived (I really did ask someone just to keep talking to me, that was what I needed most at that specific moment when I was cold and stuck in my car and couldn't move, with peanut butter pie all over the passenger seat).

So I have experienced some firsts since that moment in time. I believe that as a church community, we have been learning that such a moment would be defined as a "kairos" moment, or a moment that God will use to change things in my life, and as it turns out, in the lives around me (I will get to that). Among those firsts include my first ride in an ambulance, my first CT scan, my first broken bone. My first experience not being able to hug my husband when I wanted to, not being able to hold my daughter when I wanted to. My first time having my husband help me get in and out of bed, shower, put on socks. My first time having to dump out the milk I had pumped because of the pain killers I am taking. (The pillow on my chest in the picture is more just something I put there out of protection, I am not splinted or anything).

I am still sorting through thoughts and ideas and emotions and prayers, which may take a long time. For now, I can show you a little of what life has been like. God has been showing me what cheerful service looks like through Matt, who does not complain when I wake him up in the middle of the night to help me out of bed so I can use the bathroom. Who you can see here folding laundry for us. And God has been reminding me that He watches over Ruby. He cares for her and provides for her. I am having to think about not all the things I can't do, but all the things I can do, like have my daughter sit next to me on the couch and talk to her, or read to her. And I know everyone thinks their child is wonderful, but I really am amazed watching Ruby adapt to formula, adapt to new people holding her all day, adapt to her little world kind of being topsy turvy right now. I am sort of nervous to tell you all some of what I am learning, because some of what I am learning is how very selfish I am, how much I dislike not feeling in control, how prone I am to worry. But I believe that God will use this in my life to make me, and my husband, and my daughter more like him. More thoughts to come.

So I mentioned.....

I had a silent chuckle just now as I realized that the titles of my posts tend more often than not to have points of ellipses in them. I love points of ellipses - you don't have to finish a complete thought. A period at the end of a sentence is a commitment, but points of ellipses leave room for you to change your mind. Matt has been helping me learn to finish my sentences, and I love him for that.

Being home with Ruby usually leaves me lots of time to think - an opportunity and a pit if I am not careful. I mentioned in an earlier post that I am working on NOT getting worked up. I believe when Jesus said to cast all our anxieties on him, that he meant ALL of them, not just some of them.

I always loved where Jesus said that he came to bring us life to the full. Worry is said to be something that can choke out what God is doing in and around us, how he is working. She is snoring right now, a little bean snore, and I love it. And right now, she is in a phase where she really likes to hold on to our hands while she is with us. Lord, may you give the grace so that we do not miss what you are doing.

My daughter, the strong one....

Ruby likes to stand. It is something I credit Matt with teaching her to love - he cheers her on so enthusiastically when she does it, and she gets this big smile on her face..... so proud of herself.

We spent part of the weekend hanging out at Matt's parents' house with his extended family. I walked in to the family room to see what was going on - and there was my small daughter standing on my husband's lap, with both arms fully extended up in the air, looking like she was cheering on the players in the NFL game that they were watching on TV. It delighted me. Not the NFL game, but to see her looking so victorious and happy. It's like she's saying, "I can DO it. I am small, but I am so strong. Don't tell me I can't."

I am going to need to remember that - in fact I need to start learning it even now. Because she is going to come in some day and ask to bounce on the trampoline, or ride her bike to her friend's house, or fly to Europe, or move to another country, and I am not going to want to let her. I fear that I will tell her something that is untrue, that she is too little, or it's too far, or anything other than the truth that I will be the one that is scared.

When I was about 7 months pregnant with Ruby, we realized that the way my belly was measuring was probably going to mean a small baby. Our friend Chris said at one point that this little one might be small in stature, but could be mighty in spirit. Ruby, don't let me tell you otherwise.

Give your entire attention.....

A friend shared this on facebook this morning - "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow." (Matt. 6:34 MSG)

I don't know that I give my entire attention to much of anything - I am not sure I know how to anymore. I want to learn this skill so much - to be able when with my daughter to give her my whole attention, not distracted by wanting to check text messages or what I want to post about....

The "don't get worked up" part of that initial statement is a different matter. That one I have been working on for awhile. Another friend suggested that we think about things that to us seem impossible, and begin to ask God to do that very thing.... To me, not getting worked up would fall in this camp.

Giving my entire attention. Not getting worked up. Looking forward to learning these things.