Greetings, January

I am sitting here sipping on my hot chocolate that I attempted to make from memory a la Pioneer Woman's recipe. But I was holding Ruby in one arm, and feeling guilty that while I made delicious hot chocolate for myself, I had no intention of sharing it with her. (I know that it would be bad parenting to offer my daughter hot chocolate, but the irrational thought in my head for one minute was related to how wonderful this mug would be, and that she did not get any). So after my tangent, I want to let you know that the hot chocolate that I am sipping on got the wrong quantities because I was distracted and one-arm-ing it, with double the chocolate chips than I was supposed to put in. I couldn't sleep the other night after drinking a cup of this hot chocolate due to all the sugar running through my veins.

I could write all about our holidays. Or I could get a jump on things by writing about our upcoming anniversary on Thursday (but I am HOPING to blog about it on said day - and I am doing as I always do, and not keeping my surprise (or not really a surprise, just a blog post, but I prefer to think that two posts from me in one week would be a surprise!) I perhaps should not have told you that I will blog, because as someone once instructed me, "High standards, low expectations." And telling you I might post again this week could create unrealistic expectations around here:)

I don't have anything too deep or memorable to say this date. Except, "welcome, January." I honestly had been dreading you - thinking back to the last two winters with all the snow and bad weather we had. Remembering last year's car accident. I am instead, if not standing here with open arms, I feel like at least, offering open hands. To January and to 2012. Looking forward to what's ahead.

Hodgepodge

A multitude of things are on my mind, so it's time to share. It's been a while since my last post, which was about our departed (my parents house, not dead) crazy dog, Tiki, who tried to steal my biscuits and gravy before our Kearney trip. One of the Kearney Boyz, Piz, asked if this would be one of those blogs that would become stale and die soon. I assured them that it probably would. Although, my wife, who often surprises me (choosing Tiki as our dog) has proved me wrong. This is good as I thoroughly enjoy reading her post, even though, like many or few of you I do not comment on them. I did, however, promise to post before Christmas, well better late than never is my motto (of which I have many).

Podge 1
You may notice that Kathleen and I use parentheses a lot (we love them). Why? Not really sure, I view them as tiny tangents, rabbit trails (I think it should be rabbit tales (sounds more fun)). Sometimes they give the reader a better understanding of what we are talking about or a way for a fun distraction. Also, they are used frequently in coding (computer programming) for passing variables (values or objects). So I feel more at home when I use them. Do others of you have a favorite symbol(s)? Kathleen is not a fan of the exclamation mark! Which gives me all the more reason to use them for those of you who know how my personality works (pushing the boundaries). Who knew punctuation held such emotion?!

Podge 2
Husbandry and the art of fathertry has become a coveted skill as of late. We are in process of getting our house on the market and I've knocked out most of the things on the list that Kathleen and I put together. However, it hasn't been without stress, anguish and wet socks. My last project, a few days ago, was re-hooking up the plumbing to our kitchen faucet after our granite was installed. Needless to say I soaked our basement with water because I couldn't find plumbers tape, and used plumbers putty instead. At this time my beautiful and understanding wife was camping out at my parents till my dad and I squared up water to our house again. I'm sure that I haven't juggled my tasks and taking care of the Wifey and Ruber as well as I would like, but they have been awesome. Every simple task has taken it's tole and we are of the opinion that spiritual warfare is alive and well in our house and community. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We hope to move to KCK sooner rather than later to more effectively work with Mission Adelante as we minister to our Bhutanese Refugee friends, but it's all in God's timing.

Podge 3
While fear appears to be caused by things around us, it's not, it's very much internal. When I laid in bed as a wee lad and looked in my monster filled closet, I was sure they were real. Now those monsters still exist, but have come out of the closet and meet me in my daily life. One of my friends at work has been a huge help when it comes to solving my IT woes. We get along well as we have similar interests, he loves wood working even more than I do, and has used it to bless others. Once he told me that he had a big decision to make, but he already knew the answer. He was afraid of the pain it would cause. Could he handle it? Was there a another way? So he stayed up all night in anguish. In the end he made the right decision as he always did. I'm glad he did, because really he was the only one who could have gone to the cross for my short-comings, my sins. What if fear had won and Jesus decided to not go to the cross, where we would be? I'm grateful for him, hope I see him tomorrow in myself and the people I encounter as he IS the celebration.

Peace and Love my friends, The Totsch Fam

It's coming on Christmas....

I wanted to share what we've been up to lately; I am sharing it all at once, instead of more frequent little bits. Just how things are these days:) Christmas for the Totsch family this year with a fourteen month old has included some adjustments. We switched from our regular tree to this little beauty who conveniently sits out of reach.

All of our decorations are actually out of reach this year. In this next picture, you'll notice our Advent cards in the background a la Ann Voskamp, hung in the entryway to our kitchen. I also want to point out with a mixture of thankfulness and pride some other things - in preparation for getting our house ready to put on the market hopefully this spring, Matt has been hard at work. New paint in the kitchen, new appliances, a new light over our dining table that was not an easy install. He has been pushing hard to get these things done, and I appreciate his willingness to give time and energy to keep moving us in the direction we believe God is leading.

The Rubster is expanding her vocabulary.... it now consists of "daddy", "mama", "nonni" (grandma), "vovó" (grandma), "ti-ti" (which is "Tiki" which actually applies to many dogs right now), "baby", "go" and probably Ruby's favorite, and pictured here: "no".

Just wanted to post a picture of my little cutie complete with runny nose and happy heart. You will notice the end table in the background does in fact have towels over it. The combination of concrete top and sharp corners was too much for me with a not-so-steady little one. Our friends Andy and Val brought up the suggestion of bubble wrap last night jokingly - I actually don't think it's a bad idea:)

This next picture was taken with camera phone, hence its quality but it contains an important object I don't want to forget. The large pink object on the right side is pink puppy, and he is a girl's best friend. Despite his lack of one ear, he is proving himself to be invaluable both to Ruby and her parents. When we need a distractor, all we have to ask is "Where is pink puppy?" and off she toddles in search of her beloved friend.

Ruby and I had fun on a recent day off when I got to relive a little of my own Christmas memories from growing up with a viewing of "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street." Produced in 1978, I have fond memories of watching this one with my brothers. I was searching for it on Netflix a few weeks ago to be sure it was still around, and I was appalled to see that not only was it not listed at all, but had been replaced by "Elmo saves Christmas." (Ruby does not know about Elmo yet, so maybe in a few years, if he has replaced pink puppy as a favorite, perhaps I will not be so disgusted.) Anyway, I was relieved to find that Target had not forgotten "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street", and we got to have a fun time together viewing it. Matt does not really seem to understand the amazingness of this movie, but indulged me with semi-watching as well. We will be celebrating Totsch-style later this week by watching Muppet Christmas Carol, which I agree with him does not have the cheese-factor of Sesame Street Christmas, but it also doesn't include awesome sideburns or Cookie Monster eating a telephone.


Aside from when our friend Isaac was first born, I do not have a great picture of Isaac and Ruby together. This is as close as I have come. These next two pictures were taken at a party last week to celebrate the end of the trimester for ESL students and the members of the kids and teens clubs and their families, who are part of the community of Bhutanese refugees. It has been two years since we first got to meet some of these families, and we have been very thankful for their friendship.



Ruby pictured here with her Advent calendar. We are, I think, beginning to see a bit of sassiness coming out in our daughter....


Date night: We were intending to use our livingsocial coupon to go to Skies for one last time prior to its closing at the end of November. Skies is where Matt took me on our first date and where he proposed to me, so it's a special place in my heart. Maybe it worked for the best (I might have been a little sad) that we unknowingly tried to go on the night of the Mayor's tree lighting down at Crown Center. The wait list for Skies exceeded the time we thought we could hold off eating, so we had some yummy Fritz's and enjoyed a little Christmas concert afterwards. Thankful to have the opportunity to do this!


(Disclaimer - this last little attachment is beautiful, but it is moving especially to anyone with a heart for adoption, and depending on when you are reading this, or how you are doing, I would hate to send you here without a little heads up). And lastly, I wanted to share a link to a song that my friend included in a recent blog post. My words may fail me to explain why I wanted to share this - when I asked Matt, he said "Why not?" (For which I love him). The song says that "we celebrate His perfect gift of love", and I believe what I have posted above is all part of our attempt to celebrate this perfect gift. But we realize that all is not perfect in the world, nor is all perfect in our own lives or the lives of our friends. May I not ignore that and "yet rejoice in the Lord, and be joyful in God my Savior." The truth and reality of day-to-day life for every person walking this earth in hurt, confusion, heartache or trouble mixed with the truth and reality of our God, who calls himself a Redeemer, a Restorer. Who sets the lonely in families. I am sharing this video because Philippians 4:8 says whatever is "true... right.... lovely", think on these things, and I believe this story to be all of those.
In case I don't blog again for awhile (which given my track record), there is a good chance:) Merry Christmas to you, thanks for being part of our 2011, and a happy and blessed new year.
love,
the Totsch family

Courage

Photo courtesy of Jenae Weinbrenner: www.imijfoto.com

The picture really doesn't have a lot to do with my post today, except that I love it. I love my daughter, I love that she likes to pull the bows out when I put them in.

So sitting down just now after work, feeling a little disheartened by a day when I don't feel like I was a very good PT, I was blessed with a little time to myself since Ruby fell asleep on the way home....

And reading a few friends' blogs, I was struck by the thought that I am so impressed with this idea of "courage" that I am seeing in people's lives all over the place. Courage to adopt. Courage to wait to adopt. Courage to wait for a baby. Courage to be a good mom. Courage to love. Courage to celebrate the holidays.

And I have nothing big to say, other than that I needed to think just now about what my friends are teaching me about having courage. It did my heart good to read and watch and listen and observe. And realize that when I was reading Acts 4 yesterday, the title of the section I was reading was called, "The Believers Pray for Courage." So I think I will too pray for courage for these girls, these friends, these moms, these families choosing to persevere, and to hope. I love seeing their courage. I will pray for courage for myself too. Sometimes, though it may not seem like much to you, I forget that I am, in fact, demonstrating courage - courage every time I drive to work in sub-32 degree weather. Courage to laugh with my daughter when I am a little sad inside. Courage to blog. Courage to keep being real and vulnerable with our community and friends, even when I feel like they will like me less. Courage to tell Matt that I am going to keep trying to figure out this thing of loving him well, when there are days I know how much I have fallen short of it.

I have been trying to think about how to prepare for Christmas, how to celebrate Advent - what I want that to look like for our family, for Ruby. Maybe my focus this year will be thinking about courage. If you feel so inclined, what about reading the story with me of the birth of Jesus with an eye willing to look for courage? Would love to discuss this with anyone who wants to. It usually takes me awhile to sort my thoughts and share them, so that's all I have to say about that for now:) Just thought I would invite you into my own seeking.

Being the village....

Thanks for bearing with me on the last post with my crazy font changes and all. And for bearing with me in between the posting - because sometimes thinking about what I want to sit down and say here is incredibly overwhelming.

That's how I roll.

I had intended on putting up some pictures soon of my sweet little girl enjoying the fall with family and friends. I still will (I hope).

But today I hold a full heart that may just kind of spill out here and look a little messy but I think that's OK. If you have not already figured out, the Lord has wired me to have this heart that gets touched pretty easily. More than touched. It is an answer to prayer - I have asked Him to help me "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn." That sounds sort of prideful, I don't mean it to be. And I don't always respond that way to situations that should move me. And sometimes hormones do weird things to the mix, like leave me crying uncontrollably and then I have to tell Matt I don't know why I am crying (and he hugs me in silence without trying to fix it, and it is good). There are many other factors in being created this specific way that I am. But it usually comes down to hoping in some small way that those I care about (whether they know it or not) find peace and comfort and joy in the midst of their circumstances. That they know God's love for them.

All that run on to say, I read my friend's blog this morning, and she linked to this article and I loved it. It's about how to love friends that have adopted, are adopting or want to adopt. And having several friends that have, are, or wanting to adopt made me so glad to read this. And it made me tear up. And made me think how, not to lessen the experience of these adoptive friends in particular, but I have many friends that I want to have a village of their own. And I don't know how to be a part of their village sometimes.

So I pray for a little girl in Ethiopia right now that we are waiting for her parents to receive their referral (part of being the village is that I throw around adoptive terminology without exactly knowing the full meaning, but they know that I get the gist of it, and they are gracious to me:). And I join my friends who are currently in the paperwork stage of things as they fundraise to be able to wait: http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/10/announcing-new-fundraiser-american-girl.html. And I pray for another family who has shared their heart for adoption and openly blogged in a way to help me learn, and make me care more, and be so thankful to watch their journey.

But I also pray for other friends who have shared deep need, and deep hurt and deep desire to trust in other circumstances, and just admit that I want to be like you so much. To be honest about these things. Ever so slowly.

So today my honesty comes out in this form. Lord, teach us, in this crazy world where emails and blogs sometimes mean more than we know, where we don't always have the time or take the time to drop off dinner, and where you want us to know that you have this wild, beating heart for your children that you want us to have too.

Courtesy of Netflix

I am not a movie buff because I have very limited tolerance for action, drama, suspense and so forth. With a too vivid imagination anyway, I have to be careful what I watch, or as Matt jokes, I will casually mention to him at night that I am concerned that Ironman could be in the basement.

So documentaries are a perfect fit for me. With a husband who loves watching movies, documentaries have been our meeting ground this past year. My love for this genre has grown, from initial laughs at Spellbound and Mad Hot Ballroom to increasing social and environmental concern through the likes of The Cove (truly disturbing at times, and yet much more watchable for me than a made-up Hollywood story - although I now am not sure that I will ever be able to visit Sea World again). Especially the first few months of Ruby's life, we watched many documentaries. It was kind of fun to think back as I write this over the ones that have made an influence on me and my family or just simply been a source of enjoyment for us. A brief selection, with their Netflix descriptions.....

1. No Impact Man - this movie kind of got me re-interested in the genre after my initial introduction through the above-mentioned..... In my old age, I am becoming more and more interested in ways that I can personally make changes to become more green. Since my husband refuses to paint our roof white, I valued this movie for the small ideas that it does introduce as well as the bigger ones.

A Fifth Avenue family goes very green when writer Colin Beavan leads his wife, Michelle Conlin, and their baby daughter on a yearlong crusade to make no net impact on the environment in this engaging documentary. Among their activities: eating only locally grown organic food, generating no trash except for compost and using no carbon-fueled transportation.

A personal highlight from the movie - when Colin decides to throw out all of his wife's make-up.

2. A Man Named Pearl - I will just allow Netflix to explain:

Angered by white residents' racist comments that he wouldn't "keep up his yard," Pearl Fryar teaches himself topiary sculpture and becomes the first African American in his Bishopville, S.C., neighborhood to win the coveted "yard of the month" award. This acclaimed documentary traces Fryar's inspiring story, as he grows into a legendary horticulturist, welcoming thousands of tourists eager to catch a glimpse of his stunning works of art.

Part of what I love about this movie aside from Pearl's amazing talents are his faith in God, his relationship with his wife, and his character demonstrating humility and goodwill towards others.

3. Babies - This one must be mentioned for sentimental reasons. We watched this movie about three weeks after Ruby was born. I remember little from this season in life but I do remember Matt and I laughing throughout this film. I also remember Matt using this movie to support his view that babies are much more resilient than we may have initially thought. I am looking forward to watching it again soon in my less sleep deprived state, with all the wisdom that one year of mothering has taught me:)

Documentary filmmaker Thomas Balmes charts the simultaneous early development of four babies from different parts of the world, illustrating what makes human life unique, similar and precious wherever it occurs. Training his camera on newborns Hattie from San Francisco, Ponijao from Namibia, Bayarjargal from Mongolia and Mari from Tokyo, Balmes captures everything from first screaming breaths to first steps.

A personal highlight includes a scene where the mom from Mongolia who just delivered her baby rides off on the back of a motorcycle with her swaddled newborn.

4. Chops - I love documentaries about elementary, middle, high school kids - I think they are wonderful, capturing all kinds of fun in the growing up process. Because we love jazz music, this one was especially fun for us:

In this Tribeca Film Festival selection, filmmaker Bruce Broder trains his camera on a crop of talented young jazz musicians as they play their way through the Essentially Ellington high school jazz band competition. Sponsored by the Jazz at Lincoln Center program, the prestigious contest gives the kids the chance to rub shoulders with legendary trumpeter Wynton Marsalis -- and put their budding improvisational skills to the test.

Plus I love rooting for the underdog.

And finally,

5. Nursery University - We watched this one over the last two nights in parts.

Follow five families through the harrowing process of applying to nursery school in New York City, where hypercompetitive parents and elite institutions have made pricey consultants and toddler tutors part of the admissions process. Marc H. Simon's insightful documentary uses wry humor and drama to examine the increasingly common belief that securing entrance to the "right" preschool classroom is a critical first step to success.

Having seen half the movie on Sunday, I went to church that night and commented to several friends about the ridiculousness of this competitive preschool system, etc. Very judgmental of me, and I repent today. After watching the second half of this documentary last night, I just really loved the movie. As a parent, you cannot help but relate to strangers who are looking out for the best interests of their children. And Netflix rightfully described it as a feel-good movie because it reminded me that most of us out there love our children very much. What a great common bond. And exactly why I love documentaries.

Pottery Barn catalog

So I love the Pottery Barn catalog. It feels a little strange to admit that - I think it goes against the grain of who I visualize myself to be, my beliefs, my views of what is important in life.... maybe that is overthinking things though. Some people do Sudoku before they go to bed. Or watch reality TV. I look at the Pottery Barn catalog.

I would not say I am obsessed with it. Nor do I order much if anything from it. But for some reason, browsing the pages of the catalog is very soothing to me. I think because it is slightly mindless to look at those pages. And comforting. And makes me look forward to the holidays. And helps me fall asleep. And those are OK things. And if Pottery Barn were to offer to redo my house for free, I would not turn them down. I also admire their marketing skills, the words they choose, like offering you "easy," "comfortable," "inspiring," "everyday-use" and "luxury" all in the same page. I was a marketing major in college, and since I have never used that degree for an actual job or even internship, I like to every once in awhile see if I can still pull out my former vocabulary and analysis skills to see through what I am being sold on. But that is a side note.

I had a tough time sleeping last night because I had this weird dream that someone was hunting me down (maybe partially because I did not look at the Pottery Barn catalog before I went to bed). And when I woke from this dream, I began to worry. That Ruby would fall down stairs today and hit her head. This is a very common one (common worry). Especially these days now that she is walking and interested in stairs. I also worry about fires. Or when it was just me and Matt, before Ruby was born, that he would get in a car accident on the way to work. Ironically. Or many other worries. I am a little overtired as I write this from not sleeping well, and may be more free with what I am saying than I would typically be. Which may not be a bad thing.

Just reading my friend Jami's blog now, I was very challenged about this whole worry thing. That if you have read my posts before you may have noticed is an undercurrent in my life. I will even quote her so as not to miss the gist of her thoughts: "i want to change my desire to control things that are not in my control and will never be... it is not for me to think that i am bigger than God and that i know more than Him.

it just isn't.

oh. huh. it doesn't all depend on me...that kinda feels great to know that.

so my favorite quote from the weekend...

At your worst, God gives his best."

And I realized that if I were somehow able to remove worry from my life (a.k.a. feeling a lack of control and not trusting God to give his best), there would be such a large gaping hole of space for other things in my life that it might take a million Pottery Barn catalogs to fill. Or maybe some other more worthwhile things. If worry were to instantaneously disappear from my family, my marriage, and my life, I am not sure what things would be like. This struggle I carry in our marriage affects both of us, affects Ruby - we have rules like I am only allowed to bring up a worry so many times before we are done talking about it. Sounds harsh, but is actually a pretty loving thing to do. Worry is kind of my comfortable place. Am I willing to give up the comfortable for the uncomfortable? I don't know if I will always fight anxiety or if the fight will look different over time.... I do know that I need God to help me. His grace is sufficient. I think I am too chicken to add the link to this post to my facebook page. That's all right. I'm proud I had the guts to write it here tonight.