Our Anne Geddes baby

Not being able to hold Ruby lately has afforded me a chance to observe and document her life a little bit differently. A friend loaned us this Bumpo (Bumbo? can't remember) seat which has been a fun way to be at eye-level with my daughter. I love this picture because I consider it my version of an Anne Geddes picture, although my daughter is just near the flowers, as opposed to in the flowers. And you can tell by the surroundings, that we have not taken down all of our Christmas decorations yet (I kind of like having the Nativity scene out; and we may just leave the mistletoe up). I realized this morning that it makes me sad to feel like I am not able to make my home "home-like" right now by being able to straighten up, clean up, do laundry, etc. I am trying to understand that maybe I need a different understanding of making things home-like and being a "good mom" right now.

I have wondered what Ruby thinks of all of this change. It blessed me so much the other night to have her laying next to me on the couch, getting sleepy, listening to me sing to her, holding my hand.... she kind of just snuggled her head up next to me, and it made me one happy momma. I decided one of my jobs right now is to be taking pictures, video, and writing down her stories because those are on my list of "I can do's". So Ruby, I LOVE having you fall asleep next to me, the way you hold tight to our hands until your grip relaxes when you are really sleepy, the way you kick your way out of your swaddle because you don't like being wrapped up (even though you do), the way once your pacifier falls out you still look like your sucking on a pretend pacifier, the way you've been putting your hand on your head while you drink from a bottle, the way your cheeks almost weigh your head down because they are getting so full, and the way you so trustingly and peacefully sleep.

Ruby and the octopus....

(The ellipses continue)

This picture was taken last Thursday on one of my days off while the Rubster, the octopus and I were hanging out. I know it is sort of hard to tell what is so fascinating to Ruby in the picture, but it is in fact an octopus, and she likes to talk to him.

Friday, driving to work, I got in an accident. Without my daughter in the car, or husband, no one else involved, going less than 30 mph (at least, maybe even slower), wearing my seatbelt. But an accident nonetheless. That sent me spinning into first one side and then the other side (concrete) of an overpass. That scared the tar out of me. That set off my airbag. That tightened my seatbelt to the point of fracturing my sternum. That, praise God, only fractured my sternum, and like I said at the start of this paragraph, did not involve anyone else. That some wonderful people stopped quickly to help, to block traffic so I didn't get hit again, to call 911, to talk to me and keep me company until the ambulance arrived (I really did ask someone just to keep talking to me, that was what I needed most at that specific moment when I was cold and stuck in my car and couldn't move, with peanut butter pie all over the passenger seat).

So I have experienced some firsts since that moment in time. I believe that as a church community, we have been learning that such a moment would be defined as a "kairos" moment, or a moment that God will use to change things in my life, and as it turns out, in the lives around me (I will get to that). Among those firsts include my first ride in an ambulance, my first CT scan, my first broken bone. My first experience not being able to hug my husband when I wanted to, not being able to hold my daughter when I wanted to. My first time having my husband help me get in and out of bed, shower, put on socks. My first time having to dump out the milk I had pumped because of the pain killers I am taking. (The pillow on my chest in the picture is more just something I put there out of protection, I am not splinted or anything).

I am still sorting through thoughts and ideas and emotions and prayers, which may take a long time. For now, I can show you a little of what life has been like. God has been showing me what cheerful service looks like through Matt, who does not complain when I wake him up in the middle of the night to help me out of bed so I can use the bathroom. Who you can see here folding laundry for us. And God has been reminding me that He watches over Ruby. He cares for her and provides for her. I am having to think about not all the things I can't do, but all the things I can do, like have my daughter sit next to me on the couch and talk to her, or read to her. And I know everyone thinks their child is wonderful, but I really am amazed watching Ruby adapt to formula, adapt to new people holding her all day, adapt to her little world kind of being topsy turvy right now. I am sort of nervous to tell you all some of what I am learning, because some of what I am learning is how very selfish I am, how much I dislike not feeling in control, how prone I am to worry. But I believe that God will use this in my life to make me, and my husband, and my daughter more like him. More thoughts to come.

So I mentioned.....

I had a silent chuckle just now as I realized that the titles of my posts tend more often than not to have points of ellipses in them. I love points of ellipses - you don't have to finish a complete thought. A period at the end of a sentence is a commitment, but points of ellipses leave room for you to change your mind. Matt has been helping me learn to finish my sentences, and I love him for that.

Being home with Ruby usually leaves me lots of time to think - an opportunity and a pit if I am not careful. I mentioned in an earlier post that I am working on NOT getting worked up. I believe when Jesus said to cast all our anxieties on him, that he meant ALL of them, not just some of them.

I always loved where Jesus said that he came to bring us life to the full. Worry is said to be something that can choke out what God is doing in and around us, how he is working. She is snoring right now, a little bean snore, and I love it. And right now, she is in a phase where she really likes to hold on to our hands while she is with us. Lord, may you give the grace so that we do not miss what you are doing.

My daughter, the strong one....

Ruby likes to stand. It is something I credit Matt with teaching her to love - he cheers her on so enthusiastically when she does it, and she gets this big smile on her face..... so proud of herself.

We spent part of the weekend hanging out at Matt's parents' house with his extended family. I walked in to the family room to see what was going on - and there was my small daughter standing on my husband's lap, with both arms fully extended up in the air, looking like she was cheering on the players in the NFL game that they were watching on TV. It delighted me. Not the NFL game, but to see her looking so victorious and happy. It's like she's saying, "I can DO it. I am small, but I am so strong. Don't tell me I can't."

I am going to need to remember that - in fact I need to start learning it even now. Because she is going to come in some day and ask to bounce on the trampoline, or ride her bike to her friend's house, or fly to Europe, or move to another country, and I am not going to want to let her. I fear that I will tell her something that is untrue, that she is too little, or it's too far, or anything other than the truth that I will be the one that is scared.

When I was about 7 months pregnant with Ruby, we realized that the way my belly was measuring was probably going to mean a small baby. Our friend Chris said at one point that this little one might be small in stature, but could be mighty in spirit. Ruby, don't let me tell you otherwise.

Give your entire attention.....

A friend shared this on facebook this morning - "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow." (Matt. 6:34 MSG)

I don't know that I give my entire attention to much of anything - I am not sure I know how to anymore. I want to learn this skill so much - to be able when with my daughter to give her my whole attention, not distracted by wanting to check text messages or what I want to post about....

The "don't get worked up" part of that initial statement is a different matter. That one I have been working on for awhile. Another friend suggested that we think about things that to us seem impossible, and begin to ask God to do that very thing.... To me, not getting worked up would fall in this camp.

Giving my entire attention. Not getting worked up. Looking forward to learning these things.

Little bean

I am sitting here with 1.5 hands typing (1.5 because my sleeping daughter is resting on my left arm leaving me with less movement than normal), watching my husband uninstall our defunct dishwasher - he knows how to do these things - if he doesn't know how to do them, he watches YouTube. He is one gifted man - he has figured out how to rig our infant swing to wall power so that we don't have to use batteries. Take that Fisher Price.

I haven't blogged in a long time - and when I did it used to be about a dog. She has moved on to a better place. Matt being the joker he is told our dog-loving friends that we put her to sleep, but she really just is now living with my in-laws, where she is taken care of extremely well and loved probably more than she deserves.

And now, I will blog about the little person in my arms and what she has meant to us. About what we are learning, about what marriage is like now with her here, and maybe even about what happens when she and Tiki get together. And when Tiki eventually licks her full on in the face which is bound to happen sooner or later but my germ-hating self is hoping can be delayed for as long as possible.

I don't know how frequent my posts will be - seems like friends I have with little ones didn't necessarily get to blog often those first few months. I also don't know if what I say will make sense, or if I will make up words or spell them correctly.... I wish I had a really cool template and lots of pictures up, but that will have to wait for awhile. Because I am learning that my sweet little person being here means I get to adjust my expectations and that certain things aren't as important.

I really want to remember what she and I have spent a lot of time doing these last few months. I write this so that I will remember and be able to tell her, because I am unfortunately forgetting a lot these days, with less sleep and so forth.... but things are already changing, and she is getting bigger, and I will have to start putting her down for her naps before too long. For now, I can sit here and hold her. It's what I've done the last twelve weeks - held her. And prayed. For the little guy who was born a day after Ruby and is getting stronger each day in the NICU - up to 4lbs 9 oz I think now. I've thought of him a lot while I sit here with her. For friends who are seeing their adoption "fail" and continuing to pray for a miracle for them. For my mom who finished her chemo and radiation treatments and for my brother who moved back home to help her. I am so proud of him it hurts.... I don't want to forget what this precious time has been like.

As is true of many things these days, I will end there, with incomplete thoughts because my little bean has woke up, and is ready for my attention. Glad to be back writing.

Sick day

Stayed home from work today because pregnancy + stomach virus = no fun. We got Tiki partially because we thought she might be good company, in such as a situation as today. I'm not saying she's not.... but Tiki is really more of a taker than a giver. And as I reread a previous post from a long time ago, I think that she may in fact be preparing us for kids.

As she prepares us, we continue to try to prepare her - successfully or in vain, we will find out. We bought a baby doll to "test" our dog out, by trying to set the doll on the couch or on the floor to teach Tiki about boundaries (the doll is now sitting on a shelf where she has been neglected for awhile). We found a jogging stroller at a garage sale, and in my belly-beginning-to-show state, I took Tiki and the stroller on a walk to see how she would do walking with something else. I am sure the neighbors might be wondering why I am pushing an empty stroller while encouraging Tiki that she is a "good dog." We even have a plan for where Tiki will spend the night when baby Totsch comes, as Matt's parents have graciously offered to puppy-sit.

For all of our efforts at preparation though, I can't help but wonder..... when we were setting our garage sale finds on the floor, Tiki tried to sneak off with the baby backpack carrier in her mouth to slobber on and chew and whatever else she does (and will I ever learn the terms for all of these baby things?) Is my vision of Tiki peacefully laying at my feet while I rock the baby just wishful thinking? I also have visions of Tiki knocking over our baby during his or her first efforts at walking, or Tiki taking our child's Goldfish snacks out of their hands (I know that "they" is not grammatically correct, but saying "his" or "her" each time gets old after awhile). I don't think this is inspiring confidence in my friends who have little ones to bring their precious charges over to our house - hence why Tiki is relegated to the backyard/back bedroom when friends are over.

And perhaps the ultimate question will be that back bedroom, a.k.a the soon-to-be baby room. The room that Tiki currently goes in and out of to be let outside to the backyard. The door she stands outside "crying" to be let in or out depending on where she is and where we are and where the squirrels and bunnies are. Tiki's holding pen when we need to put her somewhere as in my previous example. The place we put Tiki to dry off after a bath in the winter when it's too cold to put her outside. Slowly starting to be filled with baby things. Surely she can learn, right?